Matador Launch "Fat Flugel"

Matador Musical Instruments have announced the launch of their new "Fat Flugel".

Matador Marketing Director Simon Semples told the Bandstand (amongst all other current advertising formats for brass band suppliers), "Whilst a small number of men have found success on flugel it does remain, typically, a woman's instrument. That may be because flugel parts aren't generally very hard, which means less practice required and more time available to sort out the cooking, cleaning and ironing".

"However, a lot of these girls are, shall we say, plumpers. They are big girls with big fingers. Our boffins over in Seville scratched their heads inbetween siestas and came up with a solution!"

The Bandstand understands that the Matador "Fat Flugel" includes a wider valve block, allowing her fat left hand to grip it more comfortably whilst also providing wider spacing for the valves so the fat fingers of her right hand will fit on all three and still be able to move.

But the real key is the wider bore and flared bell. Simon told us, "The wider bore is to take the extra pressure from her engorged diaphragm. That band of muscle can shit an otter after a day eating fast food so you can imagine the power when it pushes the other way. The flared bell is to round off the sound. She will have clogged arteries and congealed fat clinging to her skeleton that will put pressure on her airways. The flared bell will round it all off nicely!"

Details (and the unsavoury issue of the cost of all this shit) are available on their website matadormusic.co.espana that is open weekdays 10am-1pm and again at 6pm-2am to comply with Spanish Working Time Directive legislation.

Greybrick Has Haircut!

Self-styled poser, self-publicist and principal cornet with the Peckham Pelmets Band, Chris Greybrick, has had a haircut! In a shock move a hairdresser shaved his well-known mid-length shiny brown locks right down to the scalp, whilst talking vacuously to him about holidays, handbags and I'm a Celebrity.

But Chris urged his army of young brass band groupies not to worry! "It was all for charity!" he said, "and my famous hair will be back as soon as it grows back to the appropriate length!"

Chris was raising money to increase awareness of Swollen Bollock Syndrome, known as SBS, because that's what it's initials are. Chris said, "There's this young lass I'd love to shag what laiks for the Desborough Airfield Band. Her dad had SBS, it was really sad, he had to walk round for six months with his enlarged podsack strapped in a carrier bag outside of his trousers. Anyway, I thought to myself, what better way to get into her panties than to pull a stunt in support of her dad!"

Freckles To Bring Titian To Life!

12 year old composing sensation Jonny Freckles has announced that he is to bring famous artist Titian back to life!

Freckles, who was abused by his father as a child and now has glaucoma what means that he has to wear amber vision glasses all the time, told the Bandstand, "One day at school a bully took my dinner money and hit me repeatedly in the face because, in his words, I didn't know who Titian was! It was that kind of school, I suppose!"

"I went home in tears with low self-esteem and a sudden penchant to self-harm. Then I thought I could Google Titian on my mum and dad's computer and up my knowledge".

"What I saw before me on Google Images was simply staggering. I saw his portrait of Doge Andrea Gritti and was spellbound. The detail, the brushwork, it was immense. Then Google told me it had taken him from 1546 to 1548 to paint it. Lazy Italians!"

"What I wanted to do, almost immediately, was to bring that painting to life through a brass band score, but hopefully nothing like the three years it took him to paint it. And so I composed the test piece Titian Whispers"

"It's a three movement piece that ticks all the boxes of being selected for a lower section Area contest, mainly because it has three movements. The first movement is entitled Search For Paintbrushes, and it encapsulates Titian's search for the perfect paintbrushes to paint his painting. The middle movement is a slow one called Blank Canvas, reflecting Titian looking at it and not really knowing what to do."

"The third movement is called Here's the Picture cos it has taken him three years but he's been on a life journey and has finally arrived within himself and, crucially, finished the picture!"

Dwindly Moor Band Roundabout Flood Trap!

The recent inclement weather has claimed its first banding victim, the Dwindly Moor Silver Band.

The Band were performing their annual Its Still Only November But They've Been Playing Christmas Carols In Shops For Ages Now So Let's Do Some On The Roundabout Concert on the roundabout at the end of the road near the bandroom.

They were just on their 14th verse of O Come All Ye Faithfull when a deluge of flood water arrived from up the valley and washed the roundabout clean away. The Band were left stranded on the last remaining section of the roundabout.

Band Manager Fryer Hammond said, "Thankfully, I couldn't be there in time due to work commitments or I would of been there stranded with them. We are watching them all from the new riverbank near where the Co-op used to be giving whatever support we can. Last night we managed to throw a line across and very carefully get a bottle of valve oil over to them. They are still playing Christmas Carols but at some point it is inevitable that feminine hygiene issues will crop up".

Hammond asked the Bandstand for help but we can't be bothered. We are more interested in them staying there and slowly starting to eat each other in a brass band carolling cannibalism extravaganza that we report on the website.

It should be a cracking local disaster.

Orangina Bid Au Revoir to UK!

Fresh from their unashamedly misapprehended victory at last weekend's Brass Bands Laikin Championship, the Pointneuf Orangina Band bid a fond farewell to the UK tonight with a farewell concert in Dover Band Club before bidding farewell and rushing to catch their ferry.

The Band replayed their winning programme from the contest, to the delight of the Dover hardcore:-

March: Je Suis Desolee
Overture: Fuck You Agincourt
Je Voudrez Votre Chute-du-Merde [soloist Henry-Paul Lecombre]
Le Titty-Bum-Bum du Jardinaire
Mon Dieu! Votre Cock Framboise est Rancide [soloist Emilie du Pompadou]
Le Grande Orgasme du Napoleon et Josephine's Sister

The Band then hurriedly packed their gear away amongst many a fond farewell and some of that stupid kissing on either cheek when what you really want is to slip a cheeky finger in, before dashing off for their ferry home still clutching their Gallic fingers around the now garlic-flavoured famous old trophy.

One thing is for sure, there is certain of our so-called top entertainment bands what will be glad to see the back of them, and that is certainly for certain!

Birds In Ballgowns Set For Upperthong Civic!

Local entrepeneur and promoter Jackson Rigby has announced that Birds In Ballgowns will perform a concert at Upperthong Civic Hall on Saturday 18th May, 2013 at a starting time yet to be confirmed but probably about 7.30pm.

Rigby told the Bandstand, "I know little of them and have not seen them perform live but there are a few grainy videos on YouTube and they look the business. Not only are they fit but they are women who can obviously play brass instruments!"

"Not only that but they wear ball gowns where you can see their shoulders and a fair bit of their tits. I'm just hoping none of them goes menstrual on the date we've agreed, I have asked them all to check their blob calendars to ensure we don't have any fanny-related fuck ups".

Birds In Ballgowns are well-known for providing light-hearted titillation at upper class orchestral events, but have yet to perform within the working class bear pit of your average brass band audience.

Rigby said, "They want a grand off me for the gig. However, the hall seats 100 so at £20 a ticket I should clear another grand at my end if we fill it. It does however rely on me selling 100 tickets at £20 but look at them. I would, wouldn't you?"

Tickets (priced £20 no concessions) are available from "JacksonRigby.com" or from Betty's Independent Stationers, Fall Lane, Upperthong.

Best of Youth for Tuppery!

The Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band may or may not be starting a youth band to carry the torch of the now famous champion band through into the next generation!

Newly-appointed Band Spin Doctor Emily Faberge said, "What we realised was that after our outstanding victory at the Flingthorpe Open there was an upsurge in interest in the Band. Now that interest is starting to die down I must, as Spin Doctor, find ways of continuing to send you news of developments at this thriving, ambitious and successful organisation!"

"What we have decided is that we may form a youth band, because that always strikes a note of resonance within the banding community. It will rely on sponsorship and funding, I mean, who wants to stand around on a Saturday morning teaching kids these days if there isn't some kind of personal reward involved?"

"But, if we can secure the funding we can get this youth band off the ground. We can give something back! However, without the funding, it will be a non-starter. It has never been more important for the local council to heavily subside this venture and I implore them to act now before it is too late!"

More of Your Registry Letters!

Yes indeed, the Bandstand mailbag is positively busting with letters about the Registry debate and, to be honest, whilst they bore us to death, we can see great potential in creating more site traffic adding hopefully to additional advertising revenue. So here is the latest pick of the bunch:-

"Your correspondent Mr. Garstang of Oswestry clearly feels the need to share his ill-informed opinions with the rest of us! He really does make himself look like a proper working-class oaf. He even spelt Registry wrong! Need I say more?"
John Pompous
Rigoletto

"I had only just got over the Maudsley Mason / Mason Maudsley affair which, let's face it, was a beautifully played out, almost brass banding version of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here 'Cos I'm Old Fashioned sort of bonanza for tired looking websites to attract more interest. Then comes along the great Registry debate. I have no solutions, but what I am prepared to say is that whatever anyone else has been saying on here it is a load of hot air!"
Claude Patronus
Whitstable

"As secretary of a non-contesting band I have no interest whatsoever in the Registry debate. However, what really fucks me off is some of the other non-contesting bands who think nothing of bringing in players who are registered with other bands to help them fulfil an engagement in a public park. It is a frankly shoddy practice and should be stopped. Maybe we should introduce registration for park jobs?! Just a thought".
Mavis Justgoe
Secretary, Cheesegate Nab Band

"Oh, how I would like to be in the shoes of your correpondent Morgan Climbers! He suggests a United Kingdom-wide Registry. May I remind him that Scotland already has a fully-functioning Registry that works perfectly well. Leave us alone while we laugh at the shit England and Wales has got itself into!"
Hector McGoogan
The Give Us Our Freedom Brass Ensemble

"Michael Montsaviour is wrong. The Independent Brass Band Registry of Cornwall was formed in 1884 and not in 1885, as he claimed."
Arty Loach
St Winifreds

"Arty Loach is wrong! The Independent Brass Band Registry of Cornwall was formed in the winter of 1883. I should know, it was my father what created it!"
Carlos Lefevre
Bignoldswade

Radio: Fenton Dooby

The tumultuously obese mouth-breather Fenton Dooby has reinvigorated his brass band radio show on Upperthong FM this coming Sunday at 4pm.

Dooby told th'Bandstand, "I thought Monty Fanshawe was dead, much like the band music he plays on his tired old radio show. To see him back in action has prompted me to relaunch my Sunday afternoon show to finally finish him off once and for all and have me crowned king of the brass band airwaves!"

He will kick start his frankly lazy and can't-be-bothered-wanna-get-into-hospital-radio career with a cracking line up of shit that pensioners will long to listen to whilst the Sunday roast is bubbling along nicely in the oven. It will include:-

March: The Doubtful Dodger [Windermere Colliery Band]
Caveat Invicta [Shrewsbury Gardeners Band]
I Shall Gently Cup Thine Muffins [Fetlock Brass - soloist Seamus Lightowler]
The Statue of Aramathrusta [Formby Five Diamonds Band]
Incredible Genocide [Skanky Mittens and her Big Band]
Keep Tugging Mavis, It'll Go Off Soon [Isle of Skye Brass Band - soloist Morag McCudden]
Oh Lesbian, Can I Turn Thee? [Warburtons Crusty Loaf Band]
Theme From Mars Attacks [Lincoln Lacemakers Band]

Clydesdaleshire Arrange Registry Debate

The Clydesdaleshire Area Contest Committe has arranged a meeting to discuss the ongoing Registry debate and to canvass member bands for their feedback.

Committee Commander-in-Chief Digby Fellowes told the Bandstand, "The meeting will take place at The Church of St. Beckham the Martyr in Cochlichty at 7.30pm next Monday next, which is the 26th November".

"It seems that nobody in the Clydesdaleshire area knows what the fuck is going on with registration, so we have arranged this meeting to give them a chance to discuss the fact that none of them know what the fuck is going on. It will help to make the Area Committee look like we have a bit of an idea of what the fuck is going on, but, to be honest, we don't".

Digby revealed, "Their is a general apathy out there but this issue is fundamental to the survival of brass band contesting, apparently. So far we have a fourth section band from Aubermuchty who are sending a representative, and also people coming from two currently non-contesting brass bands who we believe are only coming along to laugh at the state we have gotten ourselves into".

"I therefore call upon all member bands of the Clydesdaleshire Area to send a representative to this hastily arranged and ill-thought out meeting that should give us all a chance to discuss the one issue that nobody really understands or, indeed, cares about".

Hark At The Racket

 

Monty Fanshawe is back this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. In the aftermath of the Brass Bands Laikin Championship he has vowed a return to traditional brass band fare.

Monty told the Bandstand, "Brass banders, be they audience or player, need the same old shit. It is this tradition of playing tired old music that holds us together as a movement, if you will. So my show this week will be dedicated to the same old music that we, as a movement, always play and listen to!"

Upcoming amongst the tradition, it will exploit:-

March: The Gay Cavalier [Bridgestone Tyre Works Band]
Overture: Claude et Besancon [The Hovis Bread Band]
May I Touch You Midst the Girdle [Fenton Fornicott Band - soloist Minton Platting]
Softly Gently [Torbay Steelworks Band]
Touring the Castle [Carshalton Cartiledges Band]
Rape, Is It a Dirty Word? [Pasadena Ironworks Band - soloist Gemima Gunthwaite]
Stop Norman, My Wife is on Fire [The Band of the Horbury Hussars]

Foreigners Take Brass Bands Laikin Title!

 

This years Brass Bands Laikin Title has been taken by a foreign outfit from across the seas. In a controversial break with tradition the English powerhouses were left wanting as a johnny foreigner waltzed off with £2,500 and the Hector Delacourt Trophy.

 

The atmosphere within the Architectural Carbuncle, Berwick-on-Tweed could not have been more dramatic if we hadn't written it ourselves. Audience and players alike were literally on tenterhooks at the announcement of the results of this contest that nobody really cares about except the bands actually taking part.

 

The question on everybody's lips this year was, "What the fuck do they want?" For this notoriously difficult to call and up-and-down contest may award you first prize for sticking with tradition, or may also award you top prize for going outside the box and doing something new and controversial. The fact that nobody really knows what they want, including the adjudicators, makes for an interesting day's contesting.

 

In the end it was the Pointneuf Orangina Band from France what took the title thanks to an inspired programme that was a bit traditional but also had some new stuff chucked in. They had called it just right with a mix of old and new. We thought it was shit to be honest, but now they have won the contest we can see just what an inspired programme it was and we won't hold back on telling you so!

 

The two English laikin powerhouses, Windermere Colliery and Emley Potatoe Works, were left licking their wounds. Despite two performances that we loved and ticked all the boxes and couldn't be split by a fag paper, the results were announced and we suddenly realised we were barking up the wrong tree and had to go with the adjudicators and triumph the French contingent.

Bonchance Launches New Website!

Elderby Bonchance has told the Bandstand of his imminent excitement at the imminent launch of his new website! The young composer revealed how he took the important step of creating his own website as the next logical step in getting his music heard by as many people as possible.

Elderby said, "It seems like only a couple of terms ago I enrolled on that Brass Band Composition course at Pondsford Technical College. All sorts of ideas started swimming around in my head. Then my parents bought me a new laptop with Sibelius installed. I quickly realised that I was now a fully-fledged brass band composer. The sudden weight of uncertainty resting upon my young shoulders, following in such deep and heavy footsteps, was almost too much to bear, but not quite, I think I'm alright!"

His first composition, Lorenzo With a Bass Beat, was chosen as the set work at the Scandinavian Division Three Championship Title Challenge at the Ulrika Jonnsen Hall, Trondheim last year. He has since become notorious for taking well-known banding melodies that are part of our heritage and rearranging them with a rock beat on top.

His upcoming work is Contest Music Hip Hop, in which he will rip off established brass band writing and add a new "flava" on top.

Elderby said, "I seem to have become stereotyped as someone who doesn't really know what they are doing with Sibelius and chucks old and new together in a cheap charade! Nothing could be further from the truth. My goal is to take brass banding's established roots and challenge it to the core by introducing new rythms and shit over the top of it".

"As Pteredactyl said to Quarterback in Ruben Simsky's 'The Diversion', 'Only when you mix young and old together will you truly be young, and old'"

The new website (bonchance-music.com) will be up and running as soon as his parents pay the bill.

New Faces at Pont-du-Clare

The Pont-du-Clare (Herman's Hermits) Band has announced a trio of new signings ahead of their assault on the Thirlmere Area Contest next March.

Rejoining the band on flugel horn is Emma Forton, who left them three years ago after an administrative bungle over travelling expenses. She said, "It is all water under the bridge now, plus my current band have sacked me, so I relish the chance to renew old friendships and help the Pont-du-Clare Band achieve their goal of regaining the Area title they last won in 1873 and of managing the audiences expectations on the concert platform. It should be a busy time ahead!" she laughed, callously.

Also joining the band are Marianne Trebthwaite on baritone, who nobody has ever heard of, and Giles Octagon on 2nd cornet who is actually a trumpet player at the local polytechnic and hasn't done brass banding before so they are unable to name the band he has left behind in order to join them.

Band chairman Peter Fresnau said, "We are totally excited at this trio of new signings. It follows on from our goal of only signing players who wish to sign for us. There are exciting times ahead once more at Pont-du-Clare and I urge nobody to underestimate us!"

Excitement Builds For Brass Bands Laikin!

This year's Brass Bands Laikin Championship will take place at the Architectural Carbuncle, Berwick-on-Tweed this Sunday.

It will see effervescent entertainment favourites Windermere Colliery up against arch rivals Emley Potatoe Works in a real humdinger. There are also some bands competing that we aren't really bothered about, 'cos it should all boil down to the ding dong between the big two.

One of the judges, Lawrence Crabtree MBE, will be responsible for seeing if bands walk onto stage properly in order and in a proper line with top buttons done up and stuff. He will be able to award up to 5% of the total marks for each band.

He told the Bandstand, "I am relishing it. For 51 weeks of the year these bands spend their time playing the same old shit to the same old pensioners. Now, for one weekend, there's a trophy and some cash up for grabs. They will think outside the box and suddenly do something outrageous before going back to the same old shit the following week".

It should be an absolute crackerjack and we cannot call it one way or the other.

Last Tuppery Flingthorpe Open Photo - Guaranteed!

Ever since the Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band won that somewhat unexpected and slightly surprising title at the Flingthorpe Open, banding seems to have been bombarded with pictures of the band, their pets, their families and the people who long-since left the band but have suddenly appeared back on the scene being photographed with the famous old cup.

However, the Bandstand has been assured that this is definitely the last one of the Tuppery & Sneedsdale Flingthorpe Open photos to see the light of day. At last, it seems, brass banding can finally move on.

It shows third cornet laiker Mitchell Simms with his wife Janet and their favourite pigeon Dirk at the humble farm they share on the hills above Tuppery village.

Mitchell told the Bandstand, "To be honest we've flogged it as much as we can. I saw that photo off of that lad who joined on horn a few weeks before the contest. We won the contest, then I see his picture on a popular social networking site that we'd best not name otherwise we'll all be in trouble even though we all know which one I mean, that one with him and his kids draped round the famous old trophy. I thought fuck me pal, I've done 25 years at this band as a fairly inadequate cornet player, then you walk in and hijack the glory off of bandsmen like me".

It should be a cracking end to the self-congratulatory shenanigans.

Registry Issues Cause General Apathy!

The impending loss (and therefore long-running argument and finger pointing) of the English Band Registry (Including Wales) has proved very confusing. We are a site devoted to brass bands and even we can't work out what the fuck is going on!

However, in an exclusive poll we conducted via a public phone booth in Cowersley, the drama does seem to have brought out one of the most redeeming features lurking within the modern day bandsman (or indeed woman), general apathy!

Bob Sturgeon of the Perry Autos Band said, "I can't understand it, but then I don't have to. Other people in my band have to worry about this sort of shit. I've got better things to do".

Thomas Legrande of the Strictly Come Banding Brass Ensemble said, "Why should I bother? I have to go to the Area contest whether I like it or not. In registration I meet a committee member from my band that I only ever see once a year, who hands me a meaningless card with an old photograph of me on it. I don't care if that card comes from England or Wales or Timbuktu. I don't care if the card has cost the band £1.50 or £30.00. I don't even care if they don't give me a card because we no longer need one. I don't care".

Brian Oestrogen of the Ferrero Rocher Engineering Band told us, "We should learn a lesson off of Norway. I don't know what they do about registration over there 'cos I've never been, but it must be better than the shit we've got ourselves into over here!"

The Norfolk Prince told us, "The problem is most brass band people are ill-educated, whereas I use Google a lot. What we need is a two-tier system with clear and open accountability..." we put the phone down.

A man only wishing to be known as Wooden Horn, said, "I wasn't there and I know nothing about it, so couldn't possibly comment. However, I do still feel the need to express my opinion anyway. This includes a personal attack on Mr. Fred Gubbins of the English Band Registry, who, inbetween balancing a day job and doing all this registration stuff on a charitable basis, shouldn't have made such a mess of it. If I was doing this registration stuff on a charitable basis and balancing it with a day job I'd do my best to ensure that everything was perfect. It clearly is not!"

Lucy Pentlove of the Darrowby Plain Sails Band (a teacher) said, "The English Band Registry hold all our cards. They've got them all. I worry about it. I mean I've got OFSTED in next week but this registration thing, even though I don't understand it, is taking up all my time. I fear for the future of young people if this isn't sorted out".

Malcolm, the Bandstand's roving reporter, said, "We should really be stirring this thing up. It could get great traffic for the site if we approach it in an antagonising and provocative way. We could really pour some oil on the fire but I fear, as usual, none of us really know what the fuck is going on".

And that sums it up really. Nobody at the Bandstand knows what the fuck is going on and, it seems, nobody in banding really cares.

Peterphile Festival of Youth Announced!

The Peterphile (Midget Gems) Band has announced that their long-awaited Festival of Youth will take place over the mid-week of 18th, 19th and 20th June next year at the Ella Fitzgerald Showground, Combobley-on-Stour.

The three day extravanganza will feature workshops with many famous banding names and a gala concert at which pushy parents can fight over what seat in the band is given to their young protige.

Organiser Ranulph Carjack told the Bandstand, "As with all these things, I set off with the idea of providing a free event to encourage young people to join our traditional, amateur movement. What I now realise is that nothing comes cheap in brass banding these days. The big names involved have proved quite expensive and one wouldn't even speak to me until I arranged to answer his call after accepting a reverse charges request. The budget is fucked!"

The Bandstand understands that what Carjack advertised recently in the Stourbridge Gazette as "a free event to encourage young players into the brass band movement" will now be re-advertised as "costing up to £850 per child but with some top quality advice from big names and memories they will be able to treasure for a lifetime that a loving parent simply cannot put a price on".

Amongst the tutors, doctors and clinicians are Hugo Leerdammer (Dr. Oetke Symphony Band - Cornets), Carl Golightly (Emley Potatoe Works Band - Tenor Horns), Lardy Stout (Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band - Euphoniums), Markham Spears (Dewsbury Regina - Trombones), John Dumb (Forsdean Colliery - Basses) and Mitchell Fiddler (Windermere Colliery Band - Percussion).

It will prove expensive for parents sending their children.

Baggley Bangs Head On Low Doorway

Elderley euphonium legend Bovington Baggley has told the Bandstand that he has banged his head on a low doorway.

Baggley said, "It happened on Thursday, I was round at my mate Barry Jebson's house. His wife goes to bingo on a Thursday so we meet for a bit of a chaps get together and try our hand at restoring his collection of 1930's baritones".

"It was on my way down into his cellar where he keeps them, I forgot about the low doorway at the bottom of the cellar steps and banged my head".

Baggley assures us that it didn't bleed but it is quite sore and there is a bit of a lump there. However, he should be fit enough to honour next Sunday's engagement at The Church of St. Trevor the Mild at Peasby-upon-Humber, where he will perform a world premier of Matakushi Yakakama's Elegy For Four Valve Growl Engine in Cb. It starts at 7.30pm and is nobbut £1.50 on the door.