Grooms gets baritone stuck up his arse

Baritone legend Brian Grooms has told the Ainley Top Bandstand how he got his baritone stuck up his arse. Grooms said, "I was masturbating one evening last week and wanted something to stimulate my anus at the same time. I couldn't find a banana or a pump action toothpaste dispenser, so I hit on the idea of using my baritone".

"However, at the onset of the vinegar strokes, my starfish went into spasm and gripped the instrument so tightly I couldn't free it".

Grooms had an embarassing trip to casualty where a doctor was able to relax his anus, allowing release of the instrument. As a result, Grooms will be back in action with the Pondsford Mills Band next weekend.

Ferguson to help Pimpston

Major General Fred Stanton has announced a major coup ahead of next Sunday's Bands In Concert Championship at the John Motson Conference Centre, Wetwang. Stanton has been engaged to conduct the Pimpston Colliery Band and has involved a popular old friend.

Stanton told the Bandstand, "We are finishing with Wagner's 'Sigmund's Procession to the Chip Shop', which of course has a notoriously lofty soprano part throughout. Frankly, the sop player at Plimpston wasn't up to the task, so I told the little ratbag to step down".

"Thankfully, due to my stature in world music, I have friends around the world who are top, top players. A call to my good friend, American screamer trumpet legend Massey Ferguson, and he dropped everything (except his trumpet) and jumped on a flight over here!"

"Massey has settled in well and he and I will pick up £2,500 each, which is a huge boost just before the contest. Members of Plimpston Colliery will be in the foyer with buckets collecting to cover this unforeseen additional cost, and I ask the public to dig deep".

Monthly Quiz: April Winner

Winner of our April quiz is Mrs. Irene Puckersgill of Dilsbury. Irene correctly identified that a pork pie would have set you back nobbut a shilling at the Earl of Tampax Contest.

Thanks to both of you who took time to enter.

Death of Anna Perastroika

The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of 8-year-old Russian tuba star Anna Perastroika. She died of consumption in a Moscow tenement building earlier this week.

Her death comes less than a week after her tear-jerking performance of Basses In The Ballroom wowed the judges on Moscow's Got Talent.

Mother Katarina said, "Anna began playing tuba at just four hours old. If wrong note she played, hit her with a stick I would. That is what made her great. Sorely missed she will be".

Gossip From Drunk Man at a Contest

The Ainley Top Bandstand has appointed notorious contest drunk Charlie Gutbucket to dig out the bar room gossip. After his visit to today's Thomas Hardy (Mayor of Caisterbridge) Contest, here's his update on the backstage gossip.

"I love brass bands, me. I love red wine too. I probably love red wine more than brass bands. I might drink a couple of bottles for breakfast, and that's true, that is, scouts honour".

"Anyway, you know that Natalie Lestrange, her what laiks with Scaleby Concert Band? Takes it up the shitter, she does. No, straight up. Mate o' mine shagged her at the Hovis Wheatgerm Invitational. Said she let him do 'er up the wrong 'un. Dirty bitch".

"Adjudicators, yeah? There day's up mate. The Japs have invented a robot what can separate brass band performances to within a 2% degree of accuracy. 2% eh? Fuck me. Anyway, they're testing it in Tokyo, reckon it'll be available over here within six months. You wouldn't believe it, would you?"

"Mind, I tell you what, there was a bird from Plumpton (Pickersgill Prosthetics) Band in here earlier. Rubbing my cock she was. Her hands were all over the place. She fucked off when I shit me pants. Shame really, I might have slipped 'er one. No, God's honour, she was".

"Oy, are you in mate? Shout us up a bottle of house red will yer? Only I'm a bit skint, see".

More from Charlie next time.

Trumpet laiker shot in bollocks

Uruguayan television has broadcast scenes of a trumpet laiker being shot in the bollocks for not being able to play his part. The trumpet laiker in question was auditioning for a seat with the Montevideo Symphony Orchestra under notoriously hot-headed dago conductor Armando Tantalusqualan.

After the trumpet player splits several notes, Tantalusqualan, who appeared to be high on drugs, shot him in the bollocks. The scene ends with the trumpet laiker writhing in agony on the floor as Tantalusqualan says, "For me, it is the only way".

The Geneva-based International Guild of Trumpet Laikers has condemned the atrocity.

Chelmsford on top at Caisterbridge

The Chelmsford Chutney Works Band have won today's Thomas Hardy (Mayor of Caisterbridge) Contest at the Paul O'Grady Leisure Centre, Finsbury Park.

Their performance of Thomas Tilderberg's "Put a Hat On It" earned 178 points out of 200. Adjudicator Lambert Butler described it as "...a performance of imminent loathing with a hint of subdued disaster throughout".

The contest was marred by a fight between two rival players. It is reported that Neil Wilton of the Doddington (Duracell) Band caught Simon Pegasus of Stoutly Combobulate ogling his bird's tits in the bar and a scuffle broke out.

Cornet player Lucy Lovegood of the Pegdon's Peas Band won the solo prize.

Feckin' Feck It For Feckles

Soprano star Buster Feckles has been knocked out of this year's Radio Luxembourg Brass Musician of the Year Competiton after a tensely fought semi-final battle at the Murray Mints Studios, Austerbridge.

Feckles was beaten to a final place by 8-year-old washboard player Jonas Nefertiti, who wowed crowd and judges alike with his performance of Splice the Mainbrace.

Feckles said, "To come so far is a bonus. But, to be honest, to lose to such a bigheaded shit like Jonas is a real kick in the balls. He swaggers around like he is someone, yet he's an 8-year-old lad who can knock out a half decent tune on the washboard. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".

Feckles, who had been drinking heavily during and after his performance of Naisby's Oops Upside Yer Head, was visibly upset as adjudicator Benson Rapture MBE described his performance as "...one of limited enjoyment, a bit like a tragic house fire leading to a gas explosion" and "...one to remember for all the wrong reasons, shite".

There was a minor scuffle and adjudicator remarks were thrown across the room before Feckles was forcibly ejected from the building.

Pontucket Strengthen Ranks

The Pontucket (Ronseal - It Does What It Says On The Tin) Band have strengthened the ranks ahead of their assault on their local village fete.

Chairman Lucifer Bagnold said, "Joining us on cornet is Mary Grainger. Many will recall that Mary played for ten years with the Smirlsmere Band, until her husband caught her sucking off the conductor behind wheelie bins at the recent Caernafon Custard Creams Contest".

"Also joining us on bass is Peter Blanket, formerly of the Chatsworth Co-Op Band. Peter has overcome his battle with alcoholism and violent mood swings and joins us in much better shape, or at least so far so good".

"The village fete is the toughest day of the year, as we have to lead the procession from outside the Twisted Throat pub to the roundabout on Acre Lane, before performing a one-hour concert. Having players of the calibre of Mary and Peter can only add to our assault on this event".

Radio: Hark At The Racket

After a week away, Monty Fanshawe has released details of this Friday's radio show on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. The programme includes:-

On the Poop Deck (The Band of the Holmbridge Hussars)
Overture from 'Bitch' the Musical (The Monty Panasaar Band)
My Gash Is A-Gapin' (Reeston Silver - soloist Mandy Fannylumps)
The Dairylea Triangle (Peristone Weighbridge Band)
Touch It, Touch It (Norbridge Invicta Band - soloist Emmy-Lou Chorlton)
Closin' Time (Friggery Combobulate Band)

More "Let's Talk About Me"

More from our exclusive serialisation of Major General Fred Stanton's autobiography "Let's Talk About Me" (Nubis Books, £17.99).

"Through my long and distinguished musical career I have obviously earned a lot of money. However, I have also travelled all around the world sharing my musical expertise and one such time was when I visited Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe had engaged me to take the Harare State Orchestra in a recording session. We were to put down the theme music to a new Zimbabwean soap opera called Mboto Ba Ba Mbongo".

"The day before the session I was invited by Mugabe to play a round of golf at his private club. All was going well and Mugabe was nodding appreciatively as I gave him my musical CV in a nutshell. However, things took a turn for the worse on the 7th when Mugabe hit his tee shot out of bounds".

"He couldn't find his ball so took a relief drop. However, when we finished up on the green (I remember I had made a rather handy birdie), he failed to note the penalty stroke on his card. I suggested that he perhaps pay a little more attention to the strict rules of golf, upon which the mad mullah threatened to have me shot!"

"Anyway, I won 3 & 2 and also produced a fine performance with the orchestra the following day. The trip netted me £4,000 plus expenses, which is the most the important thing, but to this day I remember my death threat from Robert Mugabe!"

Calendar shock with Much Wenlock

The Much Wenlock Band promise shocks galore with a new calendar for 2013. Fundraising manager Brian Archways said, "In an effort to raise much needed funds we decided to take inspiration from those WI duffers who got their kit off for a charity calendar, except ours will promise more shocks!"

Shooting of the calendar has now been completed and Brian added, "February, for example, features percussionist Mavis Wilson being spit roasted by the trombone section whilst musical director Quentin Snapes shits on her head. September has horn player Lucy Strange chained to a timpani whilst suffering a bukkake gang bang at the hands of the cornet section".

The band hope to raise £1,000 to fund their 2013 visit to the Pointless & A Very Long Way Away Entertainment Contest.

Bagley sprain

Euphonium legend Bovington Bagley has sprained his ankle in a fall. Bagley, who spent 25 years as principal euphonium with the Minton Main Colliery Band, told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "I was doing some grouting in the bathroom whilst Mavis was warming some soup in the kitchen. I slipped on that silly mat she puts round the bottom of the shitpan and my ankle just went over".

Doctors have told Bagley to rest for a week but he will be back in action next weekend with a recital at the Church of Saint Arthur the Recidevist, Mourinho-on-Sea.

Beige to join Pontypool ranks

Gary Beige, solo Fb Bombardon with the Dilkes Raja Silver Band has announced his resignation with immediate effect. It has been announced by Pontypool Brass that Beige will take the solo seat as of next Sunday mornings rehearsal.
Beige commented, 'What an unbelievable chance to commute down the M6, M4 and M5 on a regular basis. There is a particular stretch of the M4 that is currently being re-surfaced but come May, this should be one of the finest tarmacadam highways in the British Isles.'
Pontypool were reportedly 'mildly ok-ish' with their new signing after auditioning numerous candidates before offering the notoriously bland of personality, Beige the famous seat.
Dilkes Raja Silver released this statement earlier today. 'What a fucking cunt. He should have been playing at the Kingspan Village fete with us at weekend but he has just discarded us like used wank rag. I hope he fucking dies in his sleep the shit cunt'.
Beige's first appearance with the band will be at Lampshade cum Bucket a week of Sunday.

Pooley Bridge Seek Assistance

The Pooley Bridge Band is looking for 100 heavily armed, gangly robots for an ambitious Star Wars Attack of the Clones-themed concert outside Ambleside Tourist Information Office at the end of May.

Concert secretary Mavis Pendragon said, "We are going to deck out one of our percussionists as Princess Amidala and our MD, Norman Carcass, will be made up like that bad guy with the red and black face, complete with double-headed 'light sabre' baton made out of flourescent tubes wired up to a car battery. However, we are still the 100 robots short and if anyone is able to help they can contact me on Pooley Bridge 45782, but not Tuesday nights and not after 6.00pm on a Thursday".

Dent in Hot Water

Blue comedian Charlie "Nobby" Dent is in hot water after a gaffe at the Harveys Furniture Spring Sale Buy Now Pay Nothing For 12 Months Youth Championships. Dent was brought in by organisers to compere the event, which featured some of the country's leading youth bands.

Upset parent Margaret Chernobyl said, "Whilst one of the bands was setting up on stage, Dent decided to lighten the mood and launched into a joke about a one-legged black Jew with Downs Syndrome. We couldn't believe what we were hearing, it was wholly inappropriate for this event".

Dent said, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, miserable c***s!"

Organiser Hebrides Fingal admitted it was probably a mistake engaging the notoriously controversial comic. "Maybe we should have gone for Alan Titchmarsh after all" he remarked.

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Monty Fanshawe has informed the Ainley Top Bandstand that there will be no Hark At The Racket show this Friday. The programme has been rescheduled due to Diggle FM's live coverage of the Saddelworth Cup semi final between Diggle FC and Austerlands Vikings.

Monty said, "It is disappointing and I apologise to regular listeners. However, I do promise to make up for it with a particularly tawdry pile of shite on next week's show".

Thumbs Down For Brassed Off

Brassed Off has been voted Least Influential Movie of the 1990's by the British Film Institute. Chairman Digby Fraser-Henderson said, "Prior to release of the film in 1996, the British public's perception of brass bands was one of working class northerners breeding pigeons and cycling to rehearsals in full stage uniform coughing up coal dust whilst a clown tries to hang himself. Since the film was released, the British public's perception of brass bands has been one of working class northerners breeding pigeons and cycling to rehearsals in full stage uniform coughing up coal dust whilst a clown tries to hang himself. It has made no difference whatsoever".

The film, however, is well loved amongst the brass band fraternity and includes some wonderful dialogue, including the classic:-

"Would you like to come up for a coffee?"
"I don't like coffee!"
"I haven't got any, I just want to fuck you!"

Masterclass: Conducting Techniques

In our latest masterclass Gordon Herring takes readers through some invaluable conducting techniques. Gordon is musical director of the Friggory St. Bees Silver Band and recently guided them to 17th place at the Trampsmere (Birds Eye Peas) Shield.

"For a conductor, a clearly defined beat is crucial, especially if conducting a Wankers Section band. Two in a bar is easy, that's just up and down. Four in a bar I do just the same, except there's twice as many beats in each bar. Yes, I think that's right. Three in a bar is a bit more tricky, I do like a triangle, with each beat being one side of the triangle. For more complicated stuff like 5/8 or 7/8, I tend to just wave my arms in different directions or, sometimes, I just give one longer beat followed by another one that's a bit quicker".

"Discipline around the stand is also vitally important and the conductor must remain in control. If I come across a player what hasn't practiced his or her part, I make the fucker stand on a chair and play it until they get it right. We once spent a whole rehearsal listening to some fat little bitch of a horn player trying to get to grips with a chromatic run. She broke down in tears at the end, then I sacked her. It sounds harsh, but sometimes it has to be done".

"Bluffing, or 'bullshitting' as Herbert von Carrier-Pigeon once put it, is the most useful tool in the conductor's armoury. If I fuck up beating a bar I stop and pretend I meant to do it to see if they were watching. Then I ask them something like have they ever heard the Chicago Symphony Orchestra's recording of the piece. By that stage they're so confused they forget I've fucked up at all".

"Finally, sort the finances! Remember, most people who apply for vacant conducting jobs are fucking useless. Even if the band is really shit I hold out for at least £50 a rehearsal"

"Best wishes, Gordon".

Laisterdike Go With Schwimmer

Laisterdike Temperance Band have appointed Hollywood star David Schwimmer as musical director.

Schwimmer, best known as Monica's boyfriend Joey off of US sitcom Frazier, wowed the band at last Tuesday's rehearsal. President of the band, Paul Wickham-Wanderer, said "David developed an instant rapport with the band and worked them hard on the programme for the forthcoming concert at Laisterdike Corn Exchange. To close, he asked if the band would mind running through Frank Bernaerdt's arrangement of One Moment In Time, as a tribute to his friend Whitney Houston. David and the band ended the piece in tears".

Paul would not be drawn on the finer details of the deal, but it is understood Schwimmer has accepted terms of £30 a rehearsal with an undisclosed bonus payment if the band achieve a placing of third or higher at the Garforth Open in September.