Doctors have confirmed that legendary band slapper Moira Owens, 48, is in fact suffering from syphillis and not chlamydia, as had first been believed.
Bandsmen who have come into contact with Moira at recent contests are advised to contact their local clap clinic for a full health check.
Dr. Brian Lefevre, specialist in cock diseases at the University Hospital Wetwang told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Those who have had sexual contact with Moira recently, particularly up the back door, and are now experiencing pain whilst pissing, or have suffered any form of pus-like discharge out of the end of their knob, should get checked out as soon as possible".
