The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band took the English Contest title at the weekend.
More than six bands contested in front of almost 25 people and it was a humdinger! But it was The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band what took the title.
Whilst their performance of the set work, Ethelred the Unready's "I Didn't Burn the Cakes It Was That King Alfred" left something to the imagination, their no-holds-barred showing of own choice selection "Gloria, Gloria, In Vulvatum Vaginum" by Lenny Henry powered them to the top prize.
And so The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band waltzed out of the Macey Grey Theatre with the top prize of £72.84, a kettle and a bag of tangerines with a right smile on their faces off of what they had just done.
Adjudicators Sir Simon Frisbee-Hughes and that other bloke who is always in the box said, "We found the winning own choice performance so insightful, so moving, like a tear running down the cheek of a golden child and plopping gently into a crystal blue pond whilst angels hovered above it all singing ABBA with a dildo and stuff".
The best soloist award went to Claude Gibbons, principal cornet of the Take That JLS Band who wasn't even at the contest due to illness and had someone else shovel it in for him. He said, "I wasn't here, I didn't play, I've just arrived, however it is amazing to collect this trophy, where are the photographers?"
Youngest player went to 3-year-old Chloe Shankers who excelled on tuned percussion for the Openshaw (Books Are Kept In Libraries) Band. The rest of their performance, however, was shite.
