Matador Musical Instruments have announced the launch of their new "Fat Flugel".
Matador Marketing Director Simon Semples told the Bandstand (amongst all other current advertising formats for brass band suppliers), "Whilst a small number of men have found success on flugel it does remain, typically, a woman's instrument. That may be because flugel parts aren't generally very hard, which means less practice required and more time available to sort out the cooking, cleaning and ironing".
"However, a lot of these girls are, shall we say, plumpers. They are big girls with big fingers. Our boffins over in Seville scratched their heads inbetween siestas and came up with a solution!"
The Bandstand understands that the Matador "Fat Flugel" includes a wider valve block, allowing her fat left hand to grip it more comfortably whilst also providing wider spacing for the valves so the fat fingers of her right hand will fit on all three and still be able to move.
But the real key is the wider bore and flared bell. Simon told us, "The wider bore is to take the extra pressure from her engorged diaphragm. That band of muscle can shit an otter after a day eating fast food so you can imagine the power when it pushes the other way. The flared bell is to round off the sound. She will have clogged arteries and congealed fat clinging to her skeleton that will put pressure on her airways. The flared bell will round it all off nicely!"
Details (and the unsavoury issue of the cost of all this shit) are available on their website matadormusic.co.espana that is open weekdays 10am-1pm and again at 6pm-2am to comply with Spanish Working Time Directive legislation.
