Dull as ditchwater euphonium laiker Gary Beige has been held on two counts of murder!
No, not really, we're only joking. It's one of those things we brass banding news sites do from time to time where we chuck a startling headline at you but, crucially, with an exclamation mark at the end, then you read it and it turns out to be a load of the same old shit after all.
Anyway, Beige rang us while we were having our tea last Thursday and said, "It's true, I'm up on two counts of murder! Just to be sure, you will put an exclamation mark after murder won't you, only it's not the same over the phone? I haven't actually murdered anyone, I just want to drum up some more publicity for myself".
"First off, I've murdered my relationship with Yamamuchi Instruments! They've provided me with a new instrument regularly over the last four years and, in return, I've preached to gullible, middle class students with parents that have more money than sense, that they are simply the best in the world. However, the firm has gone bust".
"This came as a blow, not just to me but my army of followers on Twitter. My euphoniums take some real hammer, touring the world doing recitals and stuff, being chucked about by baggage handlers. If I didn't get a new one for free every so often the whole Gary Beige bubble might burst!"
"Thankfully, I'm now in discussion with two prominent euphonium manufacturers. I don't know who makes the best one but I'll just hang on and see who offers the most money".
"Secondly, I've murdered my girlfriend (well, not literally, but I have dumped her, by text message!) To be honest, as the foremost young exponent of the euphonium, I'm constantly surrounded by nubile young teenage girls with pert breasts. I just got bored of this one and decided to move on. Thankfully it's not quite as distressing as changing mouthpieces! However, I do need to get in touch with her so I can go round and collect the signed photos of me she put up in her parent's living room".
