Puntlins Schedule Announced

Puntlins Holiday Camps have announced the schedule of events to take place at the Festival of Brass at their flagship resort at Frogmorton-on-Sea at the end of January. We don't know the exact date because Malcolm forgot to write it down.

However, aside from contests across five sections and a prize fund totalling £48.50, Puntlins Director of Trying To Fill Our Holiday Camps Out of Season, Jeremy Noonday-Gunn, said, "We are fast establishing ourselves as another brass band contest on the calendar and, although we understand little of the strange world of brass bands, it does give us a chance to fill the camp for a weekend at a time when otherwise it would be lying empty".

An excited Jeremy confirmed exclusively to the Bandstand that the Puntlins festival weekend will include:-

• Several men having sex with people other than their current wives or girlfriends.
• Several women having sex with each other.
• Expensive alcohol.
• Numerous young girls taking photos of each other pissed up and sticking their tongues out and/or grasping their breasts in a comical fashion, that they will subsequently post on popular social networking sites.
• Several Wankers Section Bands rolling up in sweatshirts with their nicknames printed on the back.
• A Saturday night free show including some, or all, or possibly none of The Chuckle Brothers, Joe Longthorne, Cannon & Ball, that bloke with the green duck, Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin (all subject to availability).
• A misguided young man posting inappropriate twits on tweeter and the Old Bill getting involved.
• A possible rape trial.

It should be a cracking contest! Oh shit, Malcolm, we forgot to ask him when it was!

Charity Gang Bang Announced

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Death of Orkney Band Legend!

Murdo McGool, the father of brass banding in the Orkney Islands, has died after a short fight with a stepladder.

His bereaved widow Lady Morag McGool said, "He climbed the step ladder, I told him not to do it, then he fell off and died. The irony is we have little men down in the village, mostly Irish or transient workers from Eastern Europe, who would of come and done it for him. But he wouldn't be told and now he is dead and I get everything, in a sad way."

McGool set up the first ever Orkney Invitational Contest on the islands and was the first to insist on proper registration. He is credited with being the first to introduce that rule that brass players, who love to warm up, simply won't be allowed to warm up. He famously said, "Make sure backstage they don't blow a fucking note. Not even put a bit of warm air through their instruments. My father abused me as a child and now I will take it out on the brass band movement. If one of them so much as puts his lips near the mouthpiece you will shout "shh! no warming up. This is the only celebration of our art form and you will not even be allowed to do that properly."

Malcolm, did you ever see Murdo McGool? It looks like you've Googled a picture of Sigmund Freud. We're gonna be fucked if his family find out.

Bainbridge Takes Leightonstone Horn Section!

Notoriously buxom flugel laiker Chesty Bainbridge is the new horn section at the Leightonstone Leaflet Folders Band.

Band Manager Michael Gladfowl said, "Chesty is a super player, to have her within our ranks is an honour. And those tits, fuck me! Sadly we've had to sack two horn players because she needs somewhere to rest her tits at rehearsals, and there simply isn't room. However, it does mean that we can now play seven on the front row, and with Gordon Gracenote's fiendishly cornet-heavy Extreme Similarities probably being chosen for next year's Area contest, it could be a blessing in disguise!"

The Band's Uniform Distribution Executive Carol Makepeace said, "I'm fucked! Do I order a huge jacket with interwoven scaffolding that will fit her tits in or a large pair of trousers that she can tuck them into? Either way, the blokes in the band haven't looked past the size of her tits, it's cost us a horn section!"

Musical Director Paul Peaches said, "Working with Chesty has been fantastic, she has enormous tits! Musically it is a challenge, we have lost a horn section, apparently, and working out where Chesty's upper arm finishes and her tit starts is a bit of a conundrum. However, we will get there, so I say watch out all you other bands at our local Area contest who don't have a flugel player with tits like space hoppers!"

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Monty Fanshawe has announced an absolute Jemima's Gymkana of a swashbuckling assortment on his frankly over-rated radio show on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30:-

March: The Ambitious Leiutenant (The Peevestone Ploughs Band)
Overture: Le Carte d'Or (The Minton & Cribley Insoles Band)
The Flirtatious Stepdaughter (Gannymede Pillows Band - soloist Claude Barrowcombe)
I'm Up For Bum Fun (Clydesdale Cow Creamer Band)
Throttle The Bitch (Daisy Fuckglove & Her Orchestra)
Abused At A Catholic Wedding (MacNamara's Provocative Marching Band)
Take Me Simply Midst The Snowdrops (The Gainly Vipers Band - soloist Meryl Lestrange)
Pit's Shut (The Massed Bands of Most Collieries)

Return of Drunk Man At a Contest!

Due to popular demand we have re-secured the services of Charlie Gutbucket, our Drunk Man At A Contest. To be honest, whilst we're waxing lyrical about the upper end of brass banding, we need someone to trawl the sewer. Only two people looked at this blog last month, so we obviously need to raise our game in the Wankers Section.

So what better way to start than today's 5th Section National Final at the Captain Mainwaring Multiplex Theatre, Trowbridge. Charlie Reports:-

I rolled up somewhere in the back of beyond. The word in the foyer was that the Torbay Tutenkhamen Band would win it outright but there was some sly betting on The Glamston Castle Cafeteria Band to provide a possible comeuppance.

I wasn't let into the hall, apparently I smelled of shit and was carrying a half-drunk bottle of cheap sherry. Determined, I managed to hear all the bands from the fire escape.

After the results I set off in determined fashion off of the fire escape to find out what the results were.  I found several members of the Macy Grey Colliery Band celebrating in the bar. They had won it against all odds.

I tried to interview their young euphonium player Emma Stanhope, but she saw piss running through my sandals all over the floor. Yes, I pissed myself in front of her, but I'd been busting for a while.

WDMAITCAMWB Call It A Day!

The We Don't Manufacture Anything In This Country Any More Works Band has finally called it a day.

President Laithe Turner-Steeplejack said, "At one time this factory would be alive to the sound of people making cars, fighter planes, heavy bombers, steam engines and do-it-yourself abortion kits for young ladies who had been knocked up by someone below their social standing. Now, the factory is finally silent. It is a sad day".

The news will come as a body blow to any supporters of the band who are still alive, many of whom will remember their famous triple hat-trick of doubles at the Brindley Big Shield Contest in the 1940's, 50's and 60's.

Yet there is hope that the famous old bandroom will survive. Local property developer Clyde Dainty said, "It is a well known fact that there isn't enough housing for young professional couples who work in a call centre all day. These stinking old factories where people used to do a proper job are a blot on the landscape. However, we hope to turn the site into 2,873 apartments for call centre workers. It is likely we will retain the famous old bandroom, at least initially, until we get planning permission".

Dunston Miners Gala Success

The Bandstand has been informed that the Dunston Miners Gala has taken place today and was a wholehearted success.

For those who don’t know, the event takes place in and around the town of Dunston, in the northeast of England, which is that bit above Scotch Corner where the rest of us dump our nuclear waste.

The event has a serious side. Those who are still standing after a breakfast of heavy drinking will follow the route that the old pit ponies took before they closed all the collieries. But, however they dress it up, the day is less about history and more about getting pissed.

Secretary Mary Tweed said, “This is a celebration of our mining heritage. However, you won’t attract the average brass band up here on that premise. What you need to do is promise them a very heavy all-day drinking session. As Kevin Costner once said in Field of Dreams (or at least I think that’s right)...”If you build it, they will come”.

As celebrated historian David Carkeys said, “These northeast pit villages have, for hundreds of years, been the domain of the vagrant, the vagabond, the ne’er-do-well and the miscreant. This land is now the home of the teenage single mother, wheeling a pushchair that was rescued from a skip whilst drinking cheap cider from a can, the stomping ground of the burnt out car left in a primary school playground and the Bermuda Triangle of the permanently washed up and bone idle”.

Social commentator Hector Hydrangea once said, “That people in the 19^th Century lived in such squalor in these northeast pit villages is beyond belief. The fact that they still live in such squalor there now is testament to their ability to live in squalor generation after generation.”

Most importantly, we have lost Malcolm. He was up there following the Netherton Nuclear Fuels Band. We thought we’d stir up the apple cart and follow a band sponsored by nuclear fuels to a celebration of coal mining in an attempt to drum up followers through the ensuing controversy. However, the last we heard Malcolm was on the quayside in Newcastle waiting for a taxi.

Marsalis Misses Pops Sprog

Morbidly obese Chinese trumpet star Wan Ton Marsalis has toasted the arrival of his first child, Tuk Tuk.

Wan Ton, who is currently in London laiking with the Putney Symphony Orchestra, said, "Tuk Tuk arrive bang on time but weigh in at 2 stone 5 pound. Wife was fucked, they had to cut him out of sunroof, Mr. Malcolm, sir".

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Old friend Monty Fanshawe has announced a covenantor's creme brulee of brass band dingly danglings this Friday at 9.30pm on Radio Diggle. The tumescent tom-titterings include:-

March: The Dirty Jap (Dermot O'Leary's Big Brother's Little Brother Band)
Whisperin' Hindus (Per-du-Laid Yoghurt Band)
Time o' th' Month (The Band of the Friezland Fiddlers - soloist Emma Wetflap)
Proceed To The Station Platform (Langthwaite Macey Grey Band)
Tickle Me Whispers (The Massed Bands of the Arndale Artillery)
Mountain Bikin' (The Band of the Hollyoaks Hussars)
I Lay Down and Finger Myself On the Promenade (Otis Redding Band - soloist Mboto Kekwe)
That Same Old Finisher (Band of the Brown Bensons)

Jerome nails photo

Jerome Monsignor, the famous Midlands-based musical director, brass band technician and clinician has nailed what he believes the perfect pose for a professional card.

Jerome told the Bandstand, "Most of us are fucking useless. We will be found out eventually. So if you are going to market yourself to gullible brass bands you have to have the pose!"

"Whilst talking to the photographer working with me on my latest PR shots, we decided to go for the lustful longing of a man who has just had a stroke and as a consequence is now mentally ill whilst firing a bow and arrow at the moon".

"I think it is the best pose yet for a PR advert. Years ago I would do these things sat outside some nondescript hall in southern England with my hand resting nonchalantly on my chin with my baton fully extended. Not any more, this is the future!"

Hunt is on for Yorkshire contest sex pest

This is the man Police are looking for after a string of sexual assaults on young women at the recent Peejam's Pyjamas Contest at the Aye Up Lad Leisure Centre in Barnsley, Yorkshire. The pest, nicknamed by Police as the Rotherham Recluse, are keen to catch him, what with him being a criminal and all that.

He is being hunted on two charges of Innapropriate Fingering Whilst Inebriated and one more serious charge of Knowingly Pinning A Minor Up Against the Side of a Wheelie Bin With Malice Aforethought to Place Fingers Within Her Girdle.

Detective Inspector Kestrel Whippet of the Barnsley & Rotherham Brass Band Paedophile Task Force said, "We have no descriptions of the man involved. However, this being Yorkshire, tha' knows, we assume he will be an older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap".

That gave the Task Force quite a headache! Kestrel Whippet explained, "Our problem now is that all bands in Yorkshire have someone like this connected with them. Either a committee member, someone who sells tickets at concerts or, in extreme cases, musical director".

"So far, nine Yorkshire bands have come forward and we have been able to rule their older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap out of our enquiries. Mostly due to the fact that they were actually pidgeon fancying at the time of the crimes".

When we asked about the possibility of ground-breaking DNA testing, Kestrel Whippet said, "This is Yorkshire lad, we all have the same DNA! Hard graft, a passion for cricket, a love for the family, a nine day week down t'pit followed by a Sunday roast wi' all t'family, and a need to breed whippets. Tha knows!"

All Yorkshire bands are asked to send forward their own older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap in order that he, or indeed she, can be ruled out of enquiries.

If you know something, call Yorkshire Crimestoppers on Mixenden 732.

Afghan Trouser Aid Gathers Momentum!

Afghan Trouser Aid, the brass band's answer to the problems faced by trouser-wearing people in that country, is gathering pace.

The charity is the brainchild of 19 year old Emily Samsung, who plays with the Bostock Rawlplugs Band. Emily told the Bandstand, "When I was young I had a hamster what died. I was so overcome I grew into a very sensitive and caring young woman. Me and my mum was watching a documentary on Afghanistan and couldn't help but notice that their trousers were so dirty. When I looked on the internet I saw it was because we had bombed all their homes, hospitals, bingo clubs and disabled drop in centres!"

"Enough was enough! I got in touch with my Uni friends and they were all up for doing something. We have arranged a series of brass band concerts to raise money to buy clean trousers to fly out to Afghanistan".

The first concert in the series is on Saturday (obviously!, these are students, they won't turn out on a Sunday!) the 6th October at the Afghani Workers Club in Pickering at 7.30pm.

Emily said, "We want as many people there as possible. You can find us on Twitbook if you use the proper hash tag. If you have an old pair of trousers you can bring to donate that would be, like, so cool!"

Despite several attempts at dialling random phone numbers, we have been unable to be connected to anyone in Afghanistan to see if clean trousers is really what they need. Probably because all the phone lines are down, what with all the bombing and wars and stuff.

Anyway, do what you can.

Tuppery Take Open Title!

The Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band under musical director Brian Expensive have taken today's Flingthorpe Open title with an immense performance that we thought would be third.

As the band celebrated on stage, conductor Brian Expensive spoke to them via live video link from his private golf course in Portugal to which he had flown as soon as he left the stage. He was smoking a huge cigar and appeared to be stroking his cock in an arrogant yet strangely erotic way.

Tuppery band manager Clinton Hammer said, "This is unbelievable. Brian demanded and the band responded. Now we can bombard social networking sites with individual photographs of ourselves and our children holding this famous old trophy!"

Snapping at their heels were Belgian (we think, it is still to be confirmed) champion Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps. Yorkshire powerhouse Emley Potatoe Works Band had to be content with third place and MD Geoff Largely said, "Congratulations to Tuppery but it really is a fucking carve up this one".

Full results:-

1. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
2. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
3. Empley Potatoe Works Band **
4. Staveley Scout Band
5. St. Derek's
6. Cobalt Brass '85
7. Chubley Invicta
8. Snetterton Silver
9. Oxton Brass
10. Mingthwaite Conquistador *

* justifiably relegated to the Crown Derby Teapot Contest after a woeful performance
** are fucking fuming at this result

Winner of the Sammy Winward Off Of Emmerdale Statuette For Least Romantic Solo was Brian Bubbles, soprano cornet with Tuppery.

Flingthorpe Open - Live Comments

1. Cobalt Brass '85
Assured start but ensemble is loose as a Bangladeshi's bowels in places. Impressive musical statements though to lead into the euphonium cadenza, which is delivered with limited panache. Slow movement meanders unmovingly until disaster strikes, as the solo trombone players slide falls out with a real clatter during the subdued timpani rumblings. A decent marker this one, but will struggle to hold its own as the day wears on.

2. Oxton Brass
Hell's teeth this is a bad start. Sloppy ensemble coupled with intonation that would make a boy band blush leads tragically into a lamentably woeful slow movement. Band and conductor look uncomfortable in each other's presence, like they met for the first time this morning. Second baritone player looks to have a cracking pair of tits though, but that's about it. A rancid, vomit-belching showing that has relegation written all over it. Sad.

3. Chubley Invicta
Oh my God, this lot have those frosted silver basses, we never even knew they still existed. It sets off like a train but quickly becomes derailed and the detail is as woolly as a sheep's hat. Euphonium cadenza breaks down and the player is clearly heard to say "for fuck's sake". Audience gasps. Heads go down and this one is now adrift like a Greek ferry with a fucked engine. Closing passages run out of steam and the MD makes a hasty exit, leaving the principal cornet to stand the band up to nothing but a polite ripple of applause with one or two jeers chucked in.

4. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
We thought they were Swiss but the bloke next to us has just told us  they are Belgian, so we've had to hurriedly re-visit our racialist anecdotes and bin the cracking cuckoo clock gags we had planned. Klaus Reinhardt takes us on an adventure of Tin Tin proportions (was he Belgian, we think so?) This is so beautifully shaped and with immense personal contributions. As sweet as a Belgian bun yet as dark as Poirot having a wank with a pair of Miss Lemon's soiled panties over his head. Outright leader for us so far.

5. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Sweet mother of Mary, what a huge ice cream cone of sound. Clarity is immense, the tempo is left to tease us like a dangling carrot. This is top drawer playing. Euphonium tackles the cadenza with such a dextrous level of musical tomswoopery and gliss-tastical understatement that the half-packed hall have to catch their breath. The ending is relentless, like a crazed sex fiend repeatedly hitting a prostitute in a dark timber yard. The hall erupts. We have a bit of cum in our pants.

Halfway point:-
Is there anything more meaningless than making a prediction half way through? All we can say is that all the bands so far are in our top five, but how many will stay there and in what order? We're off for a pint and a piss, will see you for the back half.

6. Staveley Scout Band
The reigning champions have to follow two immense performances and this is a valiant effort. The young girl playing the solo on spoons delivers it with particular aplomb. Portrays a sense of understated glam rock with a slightly melancholy demeanour. One or two individual errors (the repiano cornet player, for example, has just made a right cunt of himself) will cost though. Not quite good enough to retain the title in our humble opinion.

7. Snetterton Silver
Back in the big time after success in May led to promotion, but this lot appear to be as out of place as a child molester at a christening. We think the soprano player has fainted. Second cornet continues playing with one hand whilst using the other to beckon frantically for a paramedic. No, he's okay, his eyes have opened, the crowd gasp. This is painful stuff, like having to shit a three metre length of barbed wire. Right down in the cess pit for us.

8. Emley Potatoe Works Band
It takes a full 17 minutes just for this lot to set up. They swagger with an undeniable arrogance that has the hall in raptures of circumspecture. This is a dark one, sinful and brooding like an old slag. The power is tremendable, like a two foot vibrator powered by its own generator. They are gunning for it, but one or two individual slips could prove costly. We end with yet another 17 minutes of applause, the audience love it but will the judges?

9. Mingthwaite Conquistador
This lot look as frightened as an 8 year old girl as her creepy step uncle slides into bed with her. They are as out of their depth as a midget in the deep end. MD thrashes and flails like he's having a fit, but there is no stopping this runaway steam roller as it trundles towards the inevitability of relegation. We thought they might be shit today, we had no idea it would be this bad. There is a slight smattering of applause as the MD looks to the heavens as if to say "why me?" Truly lamentable.

10. St. Derek's
Last band on and many in the audience are now visibly drunk. There are one or two wolf whistles as big-titted MD Rosemary Chubb takes to the stage, she responds with a knowing wink and a wiggle of that immense busom. We are nursing a semi. It is not half bad, if a little insecure like a Trebor mint balanced on top of a candle. We are captivated by the way Rosemary's tight skirt pulls across her rumbunctious buttocks hinting a faint whiff of visible panty line. In the mix but no winner.

ATB predictions:-
It has been a day of ups and downs, at times the loafers were highly polished but at others there was some dogshit on the sole. We haven't got a fucking clue but we'll have a wild stab in the dark and say that the johnny foreigners have fucked this pig. Closely followed by the two English powerhouses:-

1. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
2. Empley Potatoe Works Band
3. Tuppery & Sneedsdale

Could be in the frame if there's a fuck up in the box: St. Derek's

Probably fucked: Mingthwaite Conquistador

Radio: Fenton Dooby

Fenton Dooby has a cavalcade of brass banding blandness this Sunday at 4pm on Radio Linthwaite. The show will include:-

The Shit Tumbler (Pay As You View Band)
Approach of the Jews (The Safeway Morrisons Band)
Underneath a Moonlit Lampost (Osaka Brass - soloist Akemi Hotaka)
Bum Chum Boulevard (Midlife Fanfare Band)
My Fanny Is Spread (Fentons Turkey Giblets Band - soloist Lionel Crisp)
Hey Nonny Nonny (The Windermere Colliery Band)
Big Sam (The Shrewsbury Batteries Band)

Flingthorpe Open - Runners & Riders

All eyes are on Flingthorpe-on-Sea this coming Sunday for the 279th Flingthorpe Open, where ten of the country's top bands will compete for the coveted title at the Cannon & Ball Leisure Centre.

This year's set work is Clive Rathbone's fiendishly difficult "Whoops Britannia", which will surely see players and conductors alike prove themselves on one of the biggest stages in Flingthorpe. Come what may, one thing is for sure. Whoever is holding that famous old cup on Sunday evening will have truly earned the title!

Here's our lowdown on the runners and riders:-

Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
Conductor: Klaus Reinhardt
Controversy surrounds the first ever invitation to a band from foreign shores and much has been discussed. However, the reigning Dr. Oetke Champions with the excellently dark and depraved Klaus Reinhardt in charge should announce their arrival with a bang.

Chubley Invicta
Conductor: Maurice Bedspring
Chubley have established themselves at the contest with a number of middle-of-the-road, peas-in-a-pod performances over recent years. They will hope to raise their game this time and go that step further.

Cobalt Brass '95
Conductor: Pricksome Velvet IV
Having flattered to deceive at recent contests many feel this outfit is a sleeping giant and that this could finally be their year. With a knowledgable captain like Pricksome at the helm they are sure to provide a solid performance, unless they shit themselves again..

Emley Potatoe Works Band
Conductor: Geoff Largely
The Yorkshire powerhouse last won the title in 1987 and will be more anxious than ever to end the agonising wait to get that trophy back in that famous old Yorkshire bandroom. With new faces around the stand and the freshly appointed Geoff Largely to guide, much interest will surround this one.

Mingthwaite Conquistador
Conductor: Stan Ottoway
Dribbling away in the dregs at the last two contests, Mingthwaite will have to pull out all the stops just to ensure survival. Relegation threatens but Stan Ottoway is an experienced campaigner and will use his limited resources to the full.

Oxton Brass
Conductor: Larry Poindexter
This southern outfit have failed to hold their own against their northern counterparts, but everybody knows that bands down south are shit. It could be curtains for them this time unless they can pull off the great escape. The recent signing of talented Carston Webley on principal cornet from local rivals Zone Two Brass may be enough to steady the ship though.

St. Derek's
Conductor: Rosemary Chubb
The surprise package at last year's contest with a creditable 3rd place, this lot should be snapping at the heels of the big boys once more. Heavily chested MD Rosemary Chubb will undoubtedly produce one of the finest sights of the day again if she chooses another low cut blouse for stage that makes her tits proper jiggle whilst she is wagging.

Snetterton Silver
Conductor: Clint Highway
Snetterton make a welcome return to the contest having won promotion with a fine showing at the Crown Derby Teapot Contest in May. With that kind of momentum behind them they will look to avoid the kind of hapless performance that got them relegated in the first place.

Staveley Scout Band
Conductor: Lee Crupps
The reigning champions snatched the title under a cloud last year with rumours of a registration irregularity. However, now the Registry is fucked they should have no such problems this time around. They have enough about them to win it again, as do most of the others.

Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Conductor: Brian Expensive
Reliable corner men and a sound like a traffic cone, Tuppery should be right up there come Sunday evening. Nobody can argue with Brian Expensive's pedigree and he will look eagerly to adding this title to the other ones he has.

ATB prediction:-
No idea, we make it up as we go along. Anyway, here goes...
1. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
2. Emley Potatoe Works Band
3. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps

Patronising them 'cos they're probably shit but we might say they'll come in the frame band: St. Derek's

Fucked (i.e. about to be relegated): Mingthwaite Conquistador

Pink Ladies "Fannying" About!

The Pink Ladies have informed the Bandstand that they are ready to raise money for a well known fanny charity!

The newly formed group of rather unattractive and oddly built women from the West Midlands aim to promote several of their own concerts to raise much-needed money for Flap Cancer Awareness.

Organiser Mary Steinway said, "Last year my sister Mungo was diagnosed with flap cancer. Us girls who play for various bands throughout the West Midlands decided that we could use our hobby to do something positive".

"The boot is definitely on the other foot now! For years brass bands have refused female members, now we have formed one that won't allow men!" she added, pointlessly, probably whilst daydreaming about shoes and handbags.

Their inaugural concert will take place at well known lesbian bar The Vagina Diner in Dudley on this coming Thursday at 8.00pm. Tickets nobbut £4.50 on the door.

Radio: Hark At The Racket

More brass band misdemeanors followed by community service are offered by Monty Fanshawe this Friday (Malcolm, is that not today, already?) on Diggle FM at 9.30pm.

This week's show features:-

The Vaginal Douche (The Maybe It's Maybelline Band)
Boots Up Side Your Head (The Crossply Radial Band)
Don't Spit It Out (Hardraw Scar Band - soloist Gemma Lovesperm)
Incidental Bollocks (Tjoernby Haestovein Mussiklag)
Fragrant Breasts (Grimsby Go And Watch Judge Dredd in 3D Band)
My Step-Uncle Abused Me As A Child (Ottoway Velvet Band - soloist Patsy Parminger)
Patchwork Quilt (The Band of the Rawcliffe Rifles)

New "Lampstand" for Neot St. Maggots!

Laughton Lampstand has been appointed the new Musical Director of the Neot St. Maggots (The Lady Loves Milk Tray) Band.

Band spokesperson Mary Nameless said, "Laughton has been on our radar for some time, ever since he took Pegborough (Nine Bob Note) Band to victory at the Shep Off Of Blue Peter Memorial Contest at the Snibston Aerodrome. We fucking hate Pegborough, so to finally secure his services is a right one in the eye for them fuckers. Not only that but he's bringing some of their players with him! Fuck you, Pegborough!"

Lampstand told the Bandstand, "I know this move will be controversial, but I wish my old band, Pegborough, all the best for the future. Even though I'm taking half their players with me!"

Lampstand will be straight in to action, hurriedly preparing the band for a meaningless contest this weekend that they have no chance of winning.

Chumbley Bumblers at Cuntlins!

Organisers of next year's Cuntlins Holiday Camp Contest have announced that the Chumbley Bumblers are to appear live on stage on the Saturday night.

The contest takes place at the Cuntlins holiday camp at Weston-St-Saviour over the last weekend in January (or is it the first weekend in February? Malcolm, have we checked this, and are we supposed to be going? I think I might have a family christening on, depending exactly when it is?)

The Chumbley Bumblers is a performance arts group made up of players from the Cowersley Junior Light Wind and Brass Ensemble. I've had neither the time nor the inclination to read the bumph I was sent, but apparently they're some of these young, up-and-coming brass players who are not content to sit down and play Black & White Minstrels any more like in the old days. Instead they want to push the boundaries and, ultimately, audition for Cowersleys Got Talent, a local talent contest to be held at the Blind Jew public house in Cowersley next summer.

Cuntlins ambassor-in-chief, Lady Jane Browning said, "We have a full day of brass banding on the Saturday, then another full day of brass banding on the Sunday. What's not to like? Apart from brass banding! In between, we like to offer a little light relief to brass banders! Ooh, stop it you naughty boy!"

It would be rude of me to say what happened next, but she offered to suck both me and Malcolm off behind the tea urn. She even offered to take her teeth out first.

Anyway, apparently there will be a proper sort of brass band contest on the Saturday and then, on the Sunday, the pick of the bunch will take part in an Entertainments Contest. You know, one of those things with no rules or guidelines that most brass bands misjudge badly because they don't know what's actually funny?

Lady Jane said, "I'll swallow the lot an'all. Right down. I might gargle with it a bit for you. Anyway, as I was saying, Sunday's entertainment...er...thing, will be judged by our own Brown Coats, or, as I call them, my special boys".

When we pointed out the potential pitfalls of such an arrangement with a brass band movement that is still bewildered by the concept of entertaining people, Lady Jane said, "Our brown coats are tuned in to the requirements of brass band adjudication. These aren't just a bunch of hormonal guys in their early twenties who were chucked off a holiday rep course in Ibiza for constantly being pissed and having sex with 16 year old girls! Well, actually, I suppose they are..."

It should be a cracking contest! (Whenever it is, Malcolm, please do check!)