Rumours are rife within the banding movement about just what the impending announcement by the Windermere Colliery Band will be.
Brian and Marjorie Nincompoop, of Badger Terrace, Gurnside, suggest it might have something to do with the celebrated film Brass Tacks. Brian said, "Since hearing the announcement about a forthcoming announcement my wife and I have been on tenterhooks" (is that how you spell it, please check Malcolm, I don't want to look a tit - Ed)
"We've followed the band for over 150 years and still shell out £30 between us for concerts where we hope they will still play the same old stuff. But we think this announcement may be connected to the film, Brass Tacks".
"It's that scene where the musical director is riding to band rehearsal on a whippet and gets run over by a steamroller. Flat as a pancake, some members of the band post him through the colliery letterbox. However, that fit bird with the nice tits who joined the band but was really a coal board insider screws him up and throws him in a waste paper basket".
"You think that's him done and dusted and we still cry at it now. But then his son, who works as a knife thrower in the circus on his nights off from band, not that he wants to, its just to feed his family 'cos those miners had fuck all, hears his muffled screams and breaks into the colliery to rescue him".
"They decide to turn him into a paper aeroplane (don't forget he's been run over by a steamroller so he's still very flat) and chuck him off of Scafell Pike whilst the band play "In a Monastery Garden" (soon to be included on their forthcoming CD) whilst wearing crowns of fairy lights".
"Yes, we hope it's something to do with that".
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Death of Digby Stephens
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Digby Stephens. They do seem to be dropping like flies at the minute.
In the old days you'd roll up at a contest, see some chum of yours and say, "How's so and so doing?" Then you'd get the response, "He died two years ago".
Now, with the birth of the Interweb, every death has to be announced it seems. To be honest, we've never heard of this guy but his widow e-mailed us some shit so we thought we'd best report it with a bit of dignity and stuff.
So here goes, ahem....
Digby Stephens (whoever he is) has died. Digby is fondly remembered as the long-serving bass trombone player with the Runnymede (Magna Carta) Band. He is well respected by the band for his input at the 1984 Annual General Meeting, when he stood up and queried the £4.73 shown in the band's accounts under "secretary's postal costs".
Digby died on Tuesday morning whilst balancing atop a rickety stepladder trimming the hedges with a petrol driven chainsaw when his wife suddenly shouted, "Do you want a cup of tea, love?"
We are assured that all the bits will be in the coffin. It should be a cracking send off.
In the old days you'd roll up at a contest, see some chum of yours and say, "How's so and so doing?" Then you'd get the response, "He died two years ago".
Now, with the birth of the Interweb, every death has to be announced it seems. To be honest, we've never heard of this guy but his widow e-mailed us some shit so we thought we'd best report it with a bit of dignity and stuff.
So here goes, ahem....
Digby Stephens (whoever he is) has died. Digby is fondly remembered as the long-serving bass trombone player with the Runnymede (Magna Carta) Band. He is well respected by the band for his input at the 1984 Annual General Meeting, when he stood up and queried the £4.73 shown in the band's accounts under "secretary's postal costs".
Digby died on Tuesday morning whilst balancing atop a rickety stepladder trimming the hedges with a petrol driven chainsaw when his wife suddenly shouted, "Do you want a cup of tea, love?"
We are assured that all the bits will be in the coffin. It should be a cracking send off.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Death of Chigley Boomslang MBE
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Chigley Boomslang MBE.
Boomslang was for many years Musical Director of the Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew (It's the Final Countdown) Band of St. Neots-on-the-Tweed.
He died on Tuesday morning masturbating furiously whilst holding a tangerine in his mouth as as a Taiwanese lady boy urinated on his face, eventually suffocating (or drowning, we're not fucking doctors, what's the verdict?)
Anyway, he was well respected, etc.
It should be a cracking autopsy.
Boomslang was for many years Musical Director of the Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew (It's the Final Countdown) Band of St. Neots-on-the-Tweed.
He died on Tuesday morning masturbating furiously whilst holding a tangerine in his mouth as as a Taiwanese lady boy urinated on his face, eventually suffocating (or drowning, we're not fucking doctors, what's the verdict?)
Anyway, he was well respected, etc.
It should be a cracking autopsy.
St. Claire In Plans For Future
Group Captain Boothby St. Claire has announced that he has accepted the role of Musical Director with the Torbay Band.
St. Claire told the Bandstand, "People will know of my high profile departure from the Bournemouth Grenadiers Band due to artistic differences (that and being caught shagging the principal cornet player's wife)".
"I now relish the challenge of taking the Torbay Band to the next level. I bet Bournemouth Grenadiers are fucking fuming. Tough shit, I'm coming to get you Bournemouth Grenadiers. I can't wait for the Torquay Invitational Contest at the Spice Girls Museum, Torquay (tickets £3.50 or £5.00 on the door if not pre-booked). I'm gonna fucking have you and that fat bitch who wouldn't leave her husband when it came to the crunch. She was shit in bed anyway".
It should be a cracking contest.
Windermere Announce Announcement
The Windermere Colliery Band have announced that they will shortly be making an announcement about a forthcoming and very important announcement.
Band Manager Claude Toblerone told us, "There has been a lot of speculation from several people on the grapevine about an announcement and I think it only fair to tell our fans around the world that there will indeed be an announcement and this is the first announcement of that forthcoming announcement. Rest assured this is a big one so we didn't just want to announce it when it happened, we thought we'd announce that a further announcement is imminent just as soon as we can finalise the details of the next announcement".
Those who remember the film Brass Tacks (it was once shown on the QVC Banding Channel at 3am on a Thursday) will remember that Windermere Colliery was closed in 1978. Though it was originally successful, the powers-that-be finally realised the stupidity of building a colliery underneath a lake.
That same year the band competed at the Ambleside Open and won it, followed round by a man with a camera from the Thurlmere Gazette. Although not a remarkable achievement in banding terms the band celebrated by riding around Westmorland on an open top bus playing Aces High.
Brass Tacks veteran Simon Samsung said, "There were literally people in the street watching us. Thinking about it now it still brings a tear to my eye. Is this £200 for the interview or what? Only your mate said over the phone...."
Claude confirmed, "There will be an announcement shortly following this announcement to do with the forthcoming announcement. When we are ready to announce the announcement, which will be preceded by another announcement, we will finally announce the announcement. It won't be announced until we have worked out how to announce the announcement and we are still finalising the details of the announcement that will follow this announcement".
It should be a cracking announcement.
Band Manager Claude Toblerone told us, "There has been a lot of speculation from several people on the grapevine about an announcement and I think it only fair to tell our fans around the world that there will indeed be an announcement and this is the first announcement of that forthcoming announcement. Rest assured this is a big one so we didn't just want to announce it when it happened, we thought we'd announce that a further announcement is imminent just as soon as we can finalise the details of the next announcement".
Those who remember the film Brass Tacks (it was once shown on the QVC Banding Channel at 3am on a Thursday) will remember that Windermere Colliery was closed in 1978. Though it was originally successful, the powers-that-be finally realised the stupidity of building a colliery underneath a lake.
That same year the band competed at the Ambleside Open and won it, followed round by a man with a camera from the Thurlmere Gazette. Although not a remarkable achievement in banding terms the band celebrated by riding around Westmorland on an open top bus playing Aces High.
Brass Tacks veteran Simon Samsung said, "There were literally people in the street watching us. Thinking about it now it still brings a tear to my eye. Is this £200 for the interview or what? Only your mate said over the phone...."
Claude confirmed, "There will be an announcement shortly following this announcement to do with the forthcoming announcement. When we are ready to announce the announcement, which will be preceded by another announcement, we will finally announce the announcement. It won't be announced until we have worked out how to announce the announcement and we are still finalising the details of the announcement that will follow this announcement".
It should be a cracking announcement.
New Percussionist At Ticklewillies
The Ticklewillies Band have announced the signing of Jocasta Palmer on percussion (a drummer in old language).
Band chairman Lionel Dejavue said,"Jocasta has recently moved to the area as a student studying music at Ticklewillies Polytechnic. Being away from her parents for the first time we are hoping she will be exploring her sexuality and we hope to put a sympathetic arm around her shoulder and help her as much as we can".
"She has blonde hair and her legs are about eight foot long. Her tits are like fried eggs though but you can't have everything".
Jocasta said, "The band have been fantastic. In the pub after my first rehearsal they were all buying me drinks and offering to take me 'Up the Shitter', which I believe is a local attraction".
It should be a cracking contest.
Band chairman Lionel Dejavue said,"Jocasta has recently moved to the area as a student studying music at Ticklewillies Polytechnic. Being away from her parents for the first time we are hoping she will be exploring her sexuality and we hope to put a sympathetic arm around her shoulder and help her as much as we can".
"She has blonde hair and her legs are about eight foot long. Her tits are like fried eggs though but you can't have everything".
Jocasta said, "The band have been fantastic. In the pub after my first rehearsal they were all buying me drinks and offering to take me 'Up the Shitter', which I believe is a local attraction".
It should be a cracking contest.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Stuff Nicked - Probably Blacks or Gypsies
Miriam Hodgkiss, Chairman of the Justly St. Peters Band, has informed us of a theft of instruments.
She explained, "On Friday night, after our rehearsal, which was very successful and sets us up in good stead for our assault on the forthcoming Justly St. Peters Band Slow Melody Contest in the Church Hall, Justly St. Peters, we went for a piss up in our local, the Wild Salmon, Justly St Peters".
"On returning to our vehicles on the Monday morning, we found that a couple of instruments had been stolen."
Miriam said, "Knowing our luck it's probably blacks or gypsies. Or the fucking Irish. Or some Pole or Lithuanian. The fuckers are all over here taking jobs off of white men. They've ruined life in this lovely little English village. I woudn't trust the Chinese either, them at the take-away on the corner are nasty looking bastards".
"I don't like the Pakistani's either but, to be honest, I don't think they'd stoop so low as to nick brass instruments. They're too busy grooming under-age white girls for sex".
When she calmed down Miriam gave details of the instruments they are looking for. Like most bands they have no fucking idea who's got what. The best she could offer was:-
"There's a cornet gone, or we think it's a cornet. It'll be cornet-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two. We think there's also a baritone, it'll be baritone-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two".
"Mind you, there's a family of Jews moved into the Gables last week. I've seen their slitty-eyed littled kids. Maybe it's them what done it. Fucking Jews, you wouldn't trust'em, would you?"
She explained, "On Friday night, after our rehearsal, which was very successful and sets us up in good stead for our assault on the forthcoming Justly St. Peters Band Slow Melody Contest in the Church Hall, Justly St. Peters, we went for a piss up in our local, the Wild Salmon, Justly St Peters".
"On returning to our vehicles on the Monday morning, we found that a couple of instruments had been stolen."
Miriam said, "Knowing our luck it's probably blacks or gypsies. Or the fucking Irish. Or some Pole or Lithuanian. The fuckers are all over here taking jobs off of white men. They've ruined life in this lovely little English village. I woudn't trust the Chinese either, them at the take-away on the corner are nasty looking bastards".
"I don't like the Pakistani's either but, to be honest, I don't think they'd stoop so low as to nick brass instruments. They're too busy grooming under-age white girls for sex".
When she calmed down Miriam gave details of the instruments they are looking for. Like most bands they have no fucking idea who's got what. The best she could offer was:-
"There's a cornet gone, or we think it's a cornet. It'll be cornet-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two. We think there's also a baritone, it'll be baritone-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two".
"Mind you, there's a family of Jews moved into the Gables last week. I've seen their slitty-eyed littled kids. Maybe it's them what done it. Fucking Jews, you wouldn't trust'em, would you?"
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe apologises to fans, this Friday's "Hark At The Racket" on Diggle FM was withdrawn due to an announcing error. Fanshawe told us, "That drunk bloke who does the lunchtime news on Diggle FM, you know, the ironmonger from Glodwick, announced Vivat Regina the wrong way round so the show was taken off of air".
Anyways, you can hear Monty back with his show this next coming Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. The line up of brass pericombobulations is:-
Marche Macaroon (Band of the Lindley Lancers)
The Shit Ginnel (Lancashire Republican Metals Band)
Pube In My Throat (Black & Decker Workmate Band - soloist Lisa Lovelabbs)
Oh No, She's Dead (Legolas Gimli Band)
The Swan On The Sparkly Lake (Touche Turtle Band - soloist Brian Mgogwe)
Rasta Bang Jew Hip Hop Mayhem (Daventry Youth Band)
Beige Jigsaw Mayhem
Gary Beige, the boring euphonium laiker with some band in Wales, has announced that he is doing a jigsaw. Beige told the Bandstand, "In between being a top euphonium player (not my words, the words of the Jakarta Bandsman after my successful solo tour of Indonesia), it is difficult to find time to relax. Yes, I have a young, starry-eyed student lass hanging off my arm but when you're caught up in the high-octane, push-it-to-the-limit world of euphonium recitals every other week, even sex gets boring".
"To be honest I've turned to jigsaws. I'm so burnt out after pushing euphonium playing beyond the glass envelope that I need a real come down. To date I'm working on a 3,000 piece jigsaw of Withernsea Lighthouse. If any Bandstand readers can give me advice on how to get all the bits of sky in that would help. The only trouble is, you see, they're all sky blue and different shapes. Some have a bit of cloud on but it's confusing".
"However, if I focus like I do on stage as the finest young euphonium player the world has seen since nobody else, I'm sure I can get a couple of corners done and then try to get the ice cream van finished".
"To be honest I've turned to jigsaws. I'm so burnt out after pushing euphonium playing beyond the glass envelope that I need a real come down. To date I'm working on a 3,000 piece jigsaw of Withernsea Lighthouse. If any Bandstand readers can give me advice on how to get all the bits of sky in that would help. The only trouble is, you see, they're all sky blue and different shapes. Some have a bit of cloud on but it's confusing".
"However, if I focus like I do on stage as the finest young euphonium player the world has seen since nobody else, I'm sure I can get a couple of corners done and then try to get the ice cream van finished".
Monday, 25 June 2012
Luke Waters Does Nothing
Luke Waters, the internationally renowned cornet player who was recently sacked from the Todhills & Tebay Band, has informed the Bandstand that he has done nothing this week.
Waters said, "Like many in brass banding now I have a desire to tell everybody about what I am doing, every minute of every day".
"Sadly, this week, I have been doing nothing. Well, I went shopping on Tuesday and got some milk, some boil in the bag curries and stuff. But not a lot more".
He added, "I am just waiting for the right offer. I'm at a time in my life, at the age of 19, where I have seen it all and done it all. I can take my foot off the gas now and sit back and wait for the right opportunity".
"I'd love to give something back to the movement. To help some of those youth bands I grew up in. However, a lot of bands are desperate for cornet players at the right contests and, if I choose my time wisely, I might cop £10,000 a year off of someone no sweat".
"I'm ready for the right move. I don't want to get stuck with training bands or teaching kids and all that shit (unless it pays well). What I really want is just a top man job with a good lump of money. I'm sure the right offer will come along eventually!"
It should be a cracking contest!
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has more time than usual to fill this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30. Monty told us, "The guy who did the 10 o'clock traffic reports for Dobcross, Denshaw, Diggle and Delph was killed when his hang-glider went through Lydgate traffic lights on red and he was t-boned by the 624 to Lees. As a result I have more time to fill this week, which, for brass band fans, means even more time spent in our living rooms listening to brass bands and wondering what the rest of the world is doing outside meeting each other and stuff".
This special, never-to-be-repeated (unless they fill the 10 o'clock traffic vacancy by next week) will include:-
Royal Ascot March - Trowbridge (Thompsons Local) Band
Incubus Intata Cantata - The Keith Chegwin Brass Ensemble
Peel Aside Those Panties - Faye Off Of Steps Band (solist Mary Marbuckle)
Wet My Whistle - Garstang (Gordons Gin) Band
I Would Fuck You If Your Mother Weren't Watching - Shelby Sheldon & His Wind Orchestra
Your Waters Have Broken - Myleene Klass Brass (soloist Penny Smith)
Lend Us A Fag - The Bacon Wheat Crunchies Band
I Gave You An Orgasm - Firth of Clyde Band (soloist Magenta Brabinger)
St Jude and the Presbetaryans on the Isle of Bute - Tulisa Contostavlos Brass
Chetengwe for Simsdyke
The Simsdyke (Samsonite Suitcases) Band have announced the appointment of Mbobo Chetengwe on solo baritone.
Band secretary Audrey Drabble said, "I'm 58. I'm a frustrated librarian. I'm a virgin. Then I got the Internet, the next thing you knew I was e-mailing huge black men on death row in America trying to satisfy this itching in my silken glove".
Audrey continued, "Then I met Mbobo Chetengwe. He had been arrested and prisoned in Alabama for having the top two buttons of his shirt unfastened. Needless to say he was sentenced to death!"
"As I was chatting to him over the Internet, fingering my virgin silken glove through my cardigan, I found out that he was a simpleton. He cannot defend himself because he has an IQ of 23. However, I now know that he can also see into the future. He told me Welcome Lad would win the 3.30 at Chepstow and then went on to tell me that, if I got him out of prison, he would bash my librarian tuppence in with 18 inches of black meat".
"We needed a baritone player so I contacted the prison governor. He said it was fine and if I signed the appropriate paperwork they would fly him over strapped to a sack cart with a mask over his face, and a bigger one over his 18 inches of black meat".
"Now he's here I can't believe it. The irony is that when he's playing with the band he will have to have the top two buttons of his shirt fastened!"
Your Letters: June
Read it "upside down". Like most forums, the earliest letter is at the bottom, so start there and work your way up. (Can't believe we have to keep explaining that, you fucking idiots).
Guys, you do a great job but, just for the record, Maisie Foghorn was not the first female to play with the Grimsdyke (Go Compare) Band. Yes, she was the first to register, but in fact two years earlier the splitarse Sandra Mycock had guested with the band on the promenade in Barnsley. I should know because I fucked 'em both. Maisie had the bigger tits but I have to say that Sandra had a more fragrant vagina.
Laurence Leech
Grimsdyke
Great work with your website chaps, you provide a sterling service. However, might I suggest a little more care over your editorials? The Instow (Bleed the Radiators) Band did not fold in 1974. It did in fact fold in 1973. Yes, we did have a reunion concert in 1974 but we had already folded, in 1973.
Quantum Fizzicks
Instow
Minton Carambeu seems to have opened a can of worms with his letter degrading the fact that Caister played "Black & White Minstrels" with no blacks on stage. I remember a concert with the Toothill Octogenarians Band at the Rainforest Alliance Bandstand, Grooby, when we played Bantock's "Frogs of Aristophenes" and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight! Touche, mon chere!
Stanley Dwyer
Grooby
Lobby Tuttlington should look a little closer to home! Herman Shamsby was NOT the conductor of the Hornsby (Pickled Onion Monster Munch) Band at the 1877 Flimsby Open. It was, in fact, Quenton Quagmire who successfully directed them to their defence of the title. Do I win this month's prize as best user of Google, or what?
Michael Lay-Preacher
Aspidistra-on-Sea
Just a comment on the recent concert in Formby Cathedral by the Caister (Wadman Winnebagos) Band. My wife and I couldn't help but notice that throughout the performance of "Black & White Minstrels" they didn't have a single black person on stage. Surely this has gone too far?
Minton & Mavis Carembeu
Formby
Mr. O'Riley would surely know that openess (I quote his letter) should actually be spelled as openness. I will defend brass banding's paedophiles as much as the next man, but not with incorrect spelling!
Laars Oouisterhuisen
Gdansk
John Roebuck has a strange view of brass banding if he suggests that all contests should resort to open adjudication and pre-draws. We could have done with more openess when Hector Grainger got done off of the courts for fiddling with that 14 year old girl during cornet lessons. That was brushed right under the carpet. Maybe Mr. Roebuck should remember the privacy of banding's paedophiles when suggesting so much openess?
Tommy O'Riley
Padstowe
I am trying to trace a brass band LP that my father used to play on Sunday afternoons whilst I was growing up. All I know is that it had a picture of the band on the front, possibly with some trophies in front of them. I can't even remember the colour of the uniforms. I remember it so well that I've forgotten what tracks were on there. However, if the knowledgeable readers of the Bandstand can help it would be, just, like, awesome.
Peter Shrew
Lower Legg
Guys, you do a great job but, just for the record, Maisie Foghorn was not the first female to play with the Grimsdyke (Go Compare) Band. Yes, she was the first to register, but in fact two years earlier the splitarse Sandra Mycock had guested with the band on the promenade in Barnsley. I should know because I fucked 'em both. Maisie had the bigger tits but I have to say that Sandra had a more fragrant vagina.
Laurence Leech
Grimsdyke
Great work with your website chaps, you provide a sterling service. However, might I suggest a little more care over your editorials? The Instow (Bleed the Radiators) Band did not fold in 1974. It did in fact fold in 1973. Yes, we did have a reunion concert in 1974 but we had already folded, in 1973.
Quantum Fizzicks
Instow
Minton Carambeu seems to have opened a can of worms with his letter degrading the fact that Caister played "Black & White Minstrels" with no blacks on stage. I remember a concert with the Toothill Octogenarians Band at the Rainforest Alliance Bandstand, Grooby, when we played Bantock's "Frogs of Aristophenes" and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight! Touche, mon chere!
Stanley Dwyer
Grooby
Lobby Tuttlington should look a little closer to home! Herman Shamsby was NOT the conductor of the Hornsby (Pickled Onion Monster Munch) Band at the 1877 Flimsby Open. It was, in fact, Quenton Quagmire who successfully directed them to their defence of the title. Do I win this month's prize as best user of Google, or what?
Michael Lay-Preacher
Aspidistra-on-Sea
Just a comment on the recent concert in Formby Cathedral by the Caister (Wadman Winnebagos) Band. My wife and I couldn't help but notice that throughout the performance of "Black & White Minstrels" they didn't have a single black person on stage. Surely this has gone too far?
Minton & Mavis Carembeu
Formby
Mr. O'Riley would surely know that openess (I quote his letter) should actually be spelled as openness. I will defend brass banding's paedophiles as much as the next man, but not with incorrect spelling!
Laars Oouisterhuisen
Gdansk
John Roebuck has a strange view of brass banding if he suggests that all contests should resort to open adjudication and pre-draws. We could have done with more openess when Hector Grainger got done off of the courts for fiddling with that 14 year old girl during cornet lessons. That was brushed right under the carpet. Maybe Mr. Roebuck should remember the privacy of banding's paedophiles when suggesting so much openess?
Tommy O'Riley
Padstowe
I am trying to trace a brass band LP that my father used to play on Sunday afternoons whilst I was growing up. All I know is that it had a picture of the band on the front, possibly with some trophies in front of them. I can't even remember the colour of the uniforms. I remember it so well that I've forgotten what tracks were on there. However, if the knowledgeable readers of the Bandstand can help it would be, just, like, awesome.
Peter Shrew
Lower Legg
Perry Mason take English Contest
The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band took the English Contest title at the weekend.
More than six bands contested in front of almost 25 people and it was a humdinger! But it was The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band what took the title.
Whilst their performance of the set work, Ethelred the Unready's "I Didn't Burn the Cakes It Was That King Alfred" left something to the imagination, their no-holds-barred showing of own choice selection "Gloria, Gloria, In Vulvatum Vaginum" by Lenny Henry powered them to the top prize.
And so The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band waltzed out of the Macey Grey Theatre with the top prize of £72.84, a kettle and a bag of tangerines with a right smile on their faces off of what they had just done.
Adjudicators Sir Simon Frisbee-Hughes and that other bloke who is always in the box said, "We found the winning own choice performance so insightful, so moving, like a tear running down the cheek of a golden child and plopping gently into a crystal blue pond whilst angels hovered above it all singing ABBA with a dildo and stuff".
The best soloist award went to Claude Gibbons, principal cornet of the Take That JLS Band who wasn't even at the contest due to illness and had someone else shovel it in for him. He said, "I wasn't here, I didn't play, I've just arrived, however it is amazing to collect this trophy, where are the photographers?"
Youngest player went to 3-year-old Chloe Shankers who excelled on tuned percussion for the Openshaw (Books Are Kept In Libraries) Band. The rest of their performance, however, was shite.
More than six bands contested in front of almost 25 people and it was a humdinger! But it was The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band what took the title.
Whilst their performance of the set work, Ethelred the Unready's "I Didn't Burn the Cakes It Was That King Alfred" left something to the imagination, their no-holds-barred showing of own choice selection "Gloria, Gloria, In Vulvatum Vaginum" by Lenny Henry powered them to the top prize.
And so The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band waltzed out of the Macey Grey Theatre with the top prize of £72.84, a kettle and a bag of tangerines with a right smile on their faces off of what they had just done.
Adjudicators Sir Simon Frisbee-Hughes and that other bloke who is always in the box said, "We found the winning own choice performance so insightful, so moving, like a tear running down the cheek of a golden child and plopping gently into a crystal blue pond whilst angels hovered above it all singing ABBA with a dildo and stuff".
The best soloist award went to Claude Gibbons, principal cornet of the Take That JLS Band who wasn't even at the contest due to illness and had someone else shovel it in for him. He said, "I wasn't here, I didn't play, I've just arrived, however it is amazing to collect this trophy, where are the photographers?"
Youngest player went to 3-year-old Chloe Shankers who excelled on tuned percussion for the Openshaw (Books Are Kept In Libraries) Band. The rest of their performance, however, was shite.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has recovered from ingrowing nasal hair and now offers even more brass banding "pick 'n' mix" this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm:-
Jack, Queen, King (Kirby Muxloe Band)
Overture: Die Leerdammer (Trapdoor Town Band)
I Shouldn't Touch You There (Wesley Snipes Band: flugel soloist Claire Torniquet)
Sniff My Outpourings (Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace Band)
Fingered In a Bus Shelter (Grimsby Fish Band: panpipe soloist Natalie Gobble)
A Degree In Accountancy (The Cillit Bang Bang)
Torpedo for Fullsby
Organisers of the Fullsby Open have announced that Claude Beowald's "Torpedo" has been chosen as the set work.
They have also announced the first ever "post-draw" in banding.
Contest Secretary Lionel Girder said, "For many years contests have toyed with pre-draws. We are having a post-draw".
The idea is that bands will roll up whenever they fancy and lay down a performance. The adjudicators (and they are good ones including Wing Commander Clive Spiffing from the RAF Band or summat) will then place the performances in order from the draw.
However, bands will then meet up a month later to draw numbers out of a bag and finally see what result they end up with.
Girder said, "Imagine the best band on the day play number one and nail it! It's all still in the melting pot. Then we meet a month later and the shittiest band on the day might, post-respectively, draw number one out of the bag and win it!"
It should be a cracking contest.
They have also announced the first ever "post-draw" in banding.
Contest Secretary Lionel Girder said, "For many years contests have toyed with pre-draws. We are having a post-draw".
The idea is that bands will roll up whenever they fancy and lay down a performance. The adjudicators (and they are good ones including Wing Commander Clive Spiffing from the RAF Band or summat) will then place the performances in order from the draw.
However, bands will then meet up a month later to draw numbers out of a bag and finally see what result they end up with.
Girder said, "Imagine the best band on the day play number one and nail it! It's all still in the melting pot. Then we meet a month later and the shittiest band on the day might, post-respectively, draw number one out of the bag and win it!"
It should be a cracking contest.
English Contest In Full Swing
The English (No Blacks, Asians, Jews or Welsh) Contest is taking place this Saturday in Chorley, Lancs.
The full list of bands attending has been whittled down to very few. A representative of one band that has withdrawn, who asked not to be named, but we know is Gordon Greatorex of Lincoln Logistics Band, said "This fucker is gonna cost us £4,000 when you get the band in a hotel, pay the bus and a money-grabbing MD for the day. We could piss that up the wall and then, if we even qualify, we have to raise another £40,000 to get to the European Eistedffod in Azaerbaijan. It's a no-brainer, fuck it off".
However, several bands have not "fucked it off" and some will be there on stage, weather permitting. They will have to go through the indignity of playng not one, but two, test pieces in front of a hall packed with at least 17 people.
The goal is to make it to Azerbaijan, where the winning band will be able to mix with others from throughout Europe who are actually still enthusiastic about it all.
Greatorex added, "its alright over there, those fuckers are swimming with money off of their councils and stuff and actually love brass banding. For most of us in the UK we still ask ourselves why we bother".
It should be a cracking contest.
The full list of bands attending has been whittled down to very few. A representative of one band that has withdrawn, who asked not to be named, but we know is Gordon Greatorex of Lincoln Logistics Band, said "This fucker is gonna cost us £4,000 when you get the band in a hotel, pay the bus and a money-grabbing MD for the day. We could piss that up the wall and then, if we even qualify, we have to raise another £40,000 to get to the European Eistedffod in Azaerbaijan. It's a no-brainer, fuck it off".
However, several bands have not "fucked it off" and some will be there on stage, weather permitting. They will have to go through the indignity of playng not one, but two, test pieces in front of a hall packed with at least 17 people.
The goal is to make it to Azerbaijan, where the winning band will be able to mix with others from throughout Europe who are actually still enthusiastic about it all.
Greatorex added, "its alright over there, those fuckers are swimming with money off of their councils and stuff and actually love brass banding. For most of us in the UK we still ask ourselves why we bother".
It should be a cracking contest.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Masterclass: Percussion
Roy Spleen is principal percussionist (what we would call a drummer) with the West Mercia St. Maggots Band. In this latest Ainley Top Bandstand Masterclass, Roy says:-
"Playing percussion generally involves hitting different stuff in the right place as loudly as possible, though some conductors may require a quieter dynamic from time to time".
"A range of different sticks is crucial to obtain varying effects. I have a pair of F1's, some WD40's, Fireball XL5's, a pair of BBC 3's especially imported from the Congo and a Big Twatter 5000 bass drum stick".
"Tuned percussion is fraught with danger because you need to look at what you're hitting so can't watch the conductor at the same time. Remember, he has no choice but to follow you! This is particularly true once you get on stage as there is nothing he can do to stop you and he is totally helpless!"
"Finally, older brass band music requires little or no percussion so boredom can become a factor. I take a pornographic magazine to rehearsals to flick through during the dull bits, though if you are tempted to play with yourself stand behind the bass drum so nobody can see".
Have fun and good luck!
Radio: Hark At The Racket
More inconsequential brass band music from Monty Fanshawe this Friday on Diggle FM:-
Jaupinder Jalfrezi (Mumbai Maharaja Band)
Let's Touch Each Other (Cromer Custard Creams Band)
I'll See You On The Scaffolding (Nintendo Wii Band - soloist Diddy Kong)
Set Fire To a Tramp (The Fearne Cotton Jazz Band)
Mix My Marimbas (Netherton Nutty Slack Band - soloist Elsie Haymaker)
He Should Play Le Tissier (The Band of the Mark Lawrenson Regiment)
Samways for Waldteufel
Former Everton footballer Vinnie Samways has accepted the solo cornet seat at the Waldteufel (Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace) Band.
Samways said, "This is a totally new direction for me. I've never picked up a cornet before, even though I was once responsible for marking Steve Stone in the 83rd minute of a game against Nottingham Forest a while ago".
"However, the band are being very patient with me while I learn the valves and stuff".
Waldteufel band manager Hubert Frisby said, "Having a player of Vinnie's experience is fantastic. He is so competent and assured that, once he learns the valves and stuff, he will be the ideal man to lead our assault on the Virgin Trains Ginsters Pasties Contest at the Richard Madeley Aerodrome next month".
Samways said, "This is a totally new direction for me. I've never picked up a cornet before, even though I was once responsible for marking Steve Stone in the 83rd minute of a game against Nottingham Forest a while ago".
"However, the band are being very patient with me while I learn the valves and stuff".
Waldteufel band manager Hubert Frisby said, "Having a player of Vinnie's experience is fantastic. He is so competent and assured that, once he learns the valves and stuff, he will be the ideal man to lead our assault on the Virgin Trains Ginsters Pasties Contest at the Richard Madeley Aerodrome next month".
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Take the Weight for Open
Judd Bovinger's "Take the Weight" has been chosen as the set work for this year's Bobby Davro Open, to be held on the roundabout above the chip shop at Simmery-St-Bees.
Judd said, "I chose the title 'Take the Weight' because I saw people taking the weight - off their lives. They were taking the weight - off their lives. Then I sat down and started to write stuff".
"It was going on for hours then someone said, 'Hey Judd, its brass banding, we only need 15 minutes worth. So I compressed it all into 15 minutes'."
"To have to think about taking the weight off your life then, because of brass band contests, have to deliver within certain 15-minute parameters is, frankly, a load of shite. It stifles composers."
A man standing next to me said , "This should be a cracker of a test piece".
Judd said, "I chose the title 'Take the Weight' because I saw people taking the weight - off their lives. They were taking the weight - off their lives. Then I sat down and started to write stuff".
"It was going on for hours then someone said, 'Hey Judd, its brass banding, we only need 15 minutes worth. So I compressed it all into 15 minutes'."
"To have to think about taking the weight off your life then, because of brass band contests, have to deliver within certain 15-minute parameters is, frankly, a load of shite. It stifles composers."
A man standing next to me said , "This should be a cracker of a test piece".
Binsley Heads For South Africa
Martin Binsley, the 3rd Section-renowned solo cornet player with the Tree Creepers (Take The Weight) Band is off to South Africa on banding adventures.
Martin told the Bandstand, "I'm off to South Africa. It's just a holiday for me and the wife, Mavis. But having such a high profile as we do over here I hope to hook up with some South African bands and do stuff like banding and shit".
President of the South African Brass Band Association, Norman de Boer, said, "We're fine thanks".
Martin told the Bandstand, "I'm off to South Africa. It's just a holiday for me and the wife, Mavis. But having such a high profile as we do over here I hope to hook up with some South African bands and do stuff like banding and shit".
President of the South African Brass Band Association, Norman de Boer, said, "We're fine thanks".
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Whit Win For St Bedes
The St Bedes (Pattersons Pitchforks) Band celebrated victory at the famous Whit Saturday marches at the weekend. Their haul of two 3rds, a 5th, a 7th and a disqualification due to a clerical error saw them take the overall title, just pipping Brass Band Bazinga-Hauptbrau from Switzerland.
St Bedes chose to perform a new arrangement of Missy Elliott's Get Yer Freak On down the street and Clarence Bumthrow's famous contest march Just You Wait And See on the stand.
The evening was marred by tragedy at the Diggle contest, where a trawler capsized with the loss of all hands. Meanwhile, across at Lydgate, two men were slightly hurt by an out of control bass drum.
The public again entered into the spirit of the event, treating it as an excuse for an all day bender and violent confrontations. They again revelled in swinging punches and throwing lumps of police horse shit at bands as they marched past.
Meanwhile, over in Tameside, two men and a dog watched three bands cover the circuit. The winner there was Chertsey Silver, who took the overall prize and a cheque for £17.40.
St Bedes chose to perform a new arrangement of Missy Elliott's Get Yer Freak On down the street and Clarence Bumthrow's famous contest march Just You Wait And See on the stand.
The evening was marred by tragedy at the Diggle contest, where a trawler capsized with the loss of all hands. Meanwhile, across at Lydgate, two men were slightly hurt by an out of control bass drum.
The public again entered into the spirit of the event, treating it as an excuse for an all day bender and violent confrontations. They again revelled in swinging punches and throwing lumps of police horse shit at bands as they marched past.
Meanwhile, over in Tameside, two men and a dog watched three bands cover the circuit. The winner there was Chertsey Silver, who took the overall prize and a cheque for £17.40.
Radio: Hark At The Racket
More greatly unpalatable brass band music from Monty Fanshawe on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30pm
Put the Clocks Back (Paignton Lifeboat Band)
Felch My Ring (Compton Cement Works Band - soloist Lucy Rogue)
The Tales of Toby Wainwright (Feltham Young Offenders Band)
Slippery Dick (Guntly Browncrack & Her Band - soloist Maisie Chambers)
Big Loud Shite (Horncastle C of E Band)
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Mavis did shit herself
Mavis Clutterbuck, the well-known face of the Leamington Spa Invitational Contest has admitted that she did shit herself on stage at this year's event.
Mavis, famous for the "Break a leg!" comment she has repeated to all competing bands backstage for 47 years, said, "I thought it was stomach cramp or a stitch. I thought I'd be safe to drop one but when my shitter rattled it all came out. I'm not joking there was shit everywhere, all down the back of my legs and running into my shoes. I wouldn't mind but the mayor and his wife were sat right behind me".
Clutterbuck's blushes were saved initially by contest controller Brian Ponticlare, who, magician-like, whipped the table cloth off the trophy table and huddled it around her shit-covered behind. She was escorted off stage and later claimed that she had "fainted".
However, she has now admitted that she did indeed shit herself on stage in front of the mayor and his wife. She said, "Fair cop, I shit myself, however I still look forward to next year's Leamington Spa Invitational. It should be a great event!"
The Mayor, Alderman Janus Golightly said, "It was me and my wife's first time at a brass band contest. We were bewildered. To be honest, we had better things to do with our day. Then this old woman shits herself in front of you. Never again."
Mavis, famous for the "Break a leg!" comment she has repeated to all competing bands backstage for 47 years, said, "I thought it was stomach cramp or a stitch. I thought I'd be safe to drop one but when my shitter rattled it all came out. I'm not joking there was shit everywhere, all down the back of my legs and running into my shoes. I wouldn't mind but the mayor and his wife were sat right behind me".
Clutterbuck's blushes were saved initially by contest controller Brian Ponticlare, who, magician-like, whipped the table cloth off the trophy table and huddled it around her shit-covered behind. She was escorted off stage and later claimed that she had "fainted".
However, she has now admitted that she did indeed shit herself on stage in front of the mayor and his wife. She said, "Fair cop, I shit myself, however I still look forward to next year's Leamington Spa Invitational. It should be a great event!"
The Mayor, Alderman Janus Golightly said, "It was me and my wife's first time at a brass band contest. We were bewildered. To be honest, we had better things to do with our day. Then this old woman shits herself in front of you. Never again."
Not many turn up
A source close to the Ainley Top Bandstand has informed us that a brass band put on a concert recently and not many people turned up.
Another source, who asked not to be named but is probably Owen Lefarge of Jensen Button Way, Lindley Brow, and who is not the original source though we have to admit he probably is 'cos he sounded very much like him, said, "It's true, not many turned up. You play the same old shit to the same three or four pensioners, it's a joke".
Ainley Top Bandstand reader Miles Reagan disagreed. Miles said, "A few years ago we were desperate for Lottery cash. To get it we had to promise to hand over our old instruments to kids and form a youth band. We couldn't be arsed, all we needed was the cash, but they kept sending auditors in to check so we stuck with it. Now, to be honest, we haven't looked back. Our youth band did a concert last weekend and there was 23 people there, and only 18 of them was parents of the kids involved".
Our source later admitted that he wasn't the source we thought he was originally but that he probably was.
Another source, who asked not to be named but is probably Owen Lefarge of Jensen Button Way, Lindley Brow, and who is not the original source though we have to admit he probably is 'cos he sounded very much like him, said, "It's true, not many turned up. You play the same old shit to the same three or four pensioners, it's a joke".
Ainley Top Bandstand reader Miles Reagan disagreed. Miles said, "A few years ago we were desperate for Lottery cash. To get it we had to promise to hand over our old instruments to kids and form a youth band. We couldn't be arsed, all we needed was the cash, but they kept sending auditors in to check so we stuck with it. Now, to be honest, we haven't looked back. Our youth band did a concert last weekend and there was 23 people there, and only 18 of them was parents of the kids involved".
Our source later admitted that he wasn't the source we thought he was originally but that he probably was.
Radio: More Hark At The Racket
More odious brass band drivel this Friday from Monty Fanshawe, Diggle FM, 9.30pm:-
The Trusty Condom (Linton Village Band)
Ode To A Titlark (Mason's Marrowfat Peas Band - soloist Noel Haemmorhage)
Why Fucking Bother (Band of the Carlecotes Cavaliers)
Lazin' a While (Minhampton & Minhampton Mills Band)
Shove It Right Up Me (Raggleby Invicta Band - soloist Mandy Throatjob)
Nigel's Procession To The Cobblers (The Homebase 20% Off This Bank Holiday Weekend Band)
Nonsense charity hair fire planned
Gary Nonsense, the mad and crazy conductor of the Emley Potatoe Works Band, is to set fire to his hair to raise money for charity.
Nonsense told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Emley Potatoe Works Band has a reputation for being a bit nutty. We once spent a weekend at one of those God-awful contests held in a holiday camp and we all went round for the weekend in matching hoodies with our nicknames printed on the back in big letters".
In keeping with the bonkers outlook of the band, players challenged Gary to set fire to his hair on the bowling green outside Emley Cathedral next Saturday to raise funds for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice.
Gary said, "I'm up for it. It's all for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice. As Scotty would of said, 'Beam me up'. Well I'm going to set fire to my hair!"
The band hope to better the £13.72 raised for the Hospice last year when bass player Clyde Dibbins chopped his bollocks off on the roundabout in the school playground.
Nonsense told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Emley Potatoe Works Band has a reputation for being a bit nutty. We once spent a weekend at one of those God-awful contests held in a holiday camp and we all went round for the weekend in matching hoodies with our nicknames printed on the back in big letters".
In keeping with the bonkers outlook of the band, players challenged Gary to set fire to his hair on the bowling green outside Emley Cathedral next Saturday to raise funds for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice.
Gary said, "I'm up for it. It's all for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice. As Scotty would of said, 'Beam me up'. Well I'm going to set fire to my hair!"
The band hope to better the £13.72 raised for the Hospice last year when bass player Clyde Dibbins chopped his bollocks off on the roundabout in the school playground.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Death of Wile E. Coyote
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Wile E. Coyote, star of the Roadrunner cartoons.
Coyote retired from cartoon work in 2007 and took up a position on the cornet bench at the Much Piddling (Buy One Get One Free) Band. He helped them to noteable successes, including third place at the Roehampton March & Bare Knuckle Brawling Contest in 2009.
He was killed when an unknown assailant painted a pretend tunnel on a rock face and he rode into it on rocket powered roller skates.
Coyote retired from cartoon work in 2007 and took up a position on the cornet bench at the Much Piddling (Buy One Get One Free) Band. He helped them to noteable successes, including third place at the Roehampton March & Bare Knuckle Brawling Contest in 2009.
He was killed when an unknown assailant painted a pretend tunnel on a rock face and he rode into it on rocket powered roller skates.
Charndyke open up
The Charndyke Band is opening its doors tomorrow for final preparations of Lenton Walker's "Systematic Incantations" ahead of their assault on the Senior Spoon contest at Morecambe Bay on Saturday.
Chairman Boothby Foghorn said, "We are one of a growing number of bands who cannot get to grips with the fact that nobody is remotely interested in hearing us rehearse a test piece. Placed at the back of the bandroom will be an old armchair, a buffet and a broken but useable office chair. It will be first come, first served for seating".
The rehearsal takes place at 7.45pm at the Bandroom, Snail Lane, Charndyke. Entry is free though donations towards the £700 fee for borrowed players would be appreciated.
Chairman Boothby Foghorn said, "We are one of a growing number of bands who cannot get to grips with the fact that nobody is remotely interested in hearing us rehearse a test piece. Placed at the back of the bandroom will be an old armchair, a buffet and a broken but useable office chair. It will be first come, first served for seating".
The rehearsal takes place at 7.45pm at the Bandroom, Snail Lane, Charndyke. Entry is free though donations towards the £700 fee for borrowed players would be appreciated.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Cummerbund book launched
Lance
Cummerbund, the well-loved banding lothario, has released his autobiography
called “I Shagged ‘Em All” about his contesting sexual conquests. Cummerbund, a
heavy drinker, has made his way through numerous plumpers, lumps, mullucks and
trollops for no reason other than to pour his seed into one of their orifices.
Cummerbund
told the Ainley Top Bandstand, “I’m glad the book has come to fruition, ‘cos I’ve
had some shockers, let me tell you. There was this bird from Laidlaw’s Carpets
Band, I did ‘er at Pontins. She was huge, her waist was ten times as wide as
her head. She was sat in the buff on the end of the bed. I lifted her tit off
her knee so as I could suck her nipple, but when I lifted it up there was
woodlice crawling out from under her tit”.
“There
was this other bird I did, a big lass from Pondukes Printers Band, I tried to
rim her but when I pulled her arse cheeks apart there was all moss and stuff
growing in there. She told me she never washed round the back ‘cos she was too
fat to reach. I had to move a piece of bracken out the way to slip into ‘er
back door”.
“I suppose
the worst, aside from that 13-year-old at the Redcar Eisteddford that was never
proven in court, was that big lass from Aubermuchty Brass that I did behind the
bins at that contest at the Kajagoogoo Leisure Centre in Knutsford. No word of
a lie, she had a snail in her belly button. Seriously, I was licking the top of
her bush and a snail pops out of her belly button”.
“Mind
you, there was that lass from the Branstons Pickles Band that had maggots in
her fanny. Apparently she’d got so fat that her blood couldn’t circulate to the
end of her labia so it had all died off and the bluebottles had laid eggs in it
and stuff. That was a smell I’ll never forget!”
Cummerbund’s
book “I Shagged ‘Em All” is available now priced £9.99.
Johansson for Boston Spa
The Boston Spa Town Band has announced the signing of Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson on solo trombone. Johansson will earn £7.50 a job and 20p per mile travel expenses. Her debut comes at next weekend's Lincoln Council Environmental Health Department Open.
An excited Johansson said, "I'm a little nervous, this is certainly my most challenging role to date. It doesn't help that they've picked Year of the fucking Dragon and I've only a week to get it up. It's safe to say I'll be proper shitting myself next Sunday".
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Fritter critical of new youth band
Renowned conductor, Marsh Fritter has been openly critical of the new youth band set up by Pavement St Clare's Band, an openly male only ensemble.
'Is this new youth band accepting young girls into its ranks? If so, what are the prospects for these buxom, untouched, pretty little things should they not be permitted into the Pavement St Clare senior band? There will be hundreds of young girls, with those little legging things on and skimpy tops banging on the senior bands door.'
Fritter went on to say, 'All that talent wasted. I imagine these young girls will turn to drug addiction and prostitution, their bodies being soft and peachy. I can see hundreds of young girls in the band room, droplets of valve oil glistening in the sun upon their heaving breasts whilst they are being turned away from banding because of their gender. And indirectly their breasts.'
There is growing support for Fritter's views, with tens of letters and emails reaching us every couple of weeks or so.
We asked a neutral what their view on this was. They had this to say 'What the fucking hell are you going on about?'
'Is this new youth band accepting young girls into its ranks? If so, what are the prospects for these buxom, untouched, pretty little things should they not be permitted into the Pavement St Clare senior band? There will be hundreds of young girls, with those little legging things on and skimpy tops banging on the senior bands door.'
Fritter went on to say, 'All that talent wasted. I imagine these young girls will turn to drug addiction and prostitution, their bodies being soft and peachy. I can see hundreds of young girls in the band room, droplets of valve oil glistening in the sun upon their heaving breasts whilst they are being turned away from banding because of their gender. And indirectly their breasts.'
There is growing support for Fritter's views, with tens of letters and emails reaching us every couple of weeks or so.
We asked a neutral what their view on this was. They had this to say 'What the fucking hell are you going on about?'
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Balderdash retains Bands In Concert Title
The Balderdash (Bensons for Beds) Band has retained their Bands In Concert Title after today's contest at the Les Dennis Aquadrome, Tilbury. They left the hall with the Poundstretcher Trophy and the top prize of £42.73 and a basket of fruit.
Conducted by "smiling assassin" Anthony Peasegood, the band gained 146 points out of 200, 3 points clear of nearest rivals Brass Band de Wildebeest from Belgium.
Adjudicator Clive Ottoway MBE said, "I needed today like a girl living alone needs a stalker. What a tawdry day of amateur music making. Quite sad, really".
A smiling Peasegood said of his team, "The band goes from strength to strength. We can now look forward to the Pointless & Very Far Away Entertainment Contest next month, where we will, of course, regurgitate the same old shite".
Pecton departs Bingley
13 year old cornet prodigy Peter Pecton has parted company with the Bingley Scouts Band. The band recently welcomed back former principal cornet star Reece Tainterbridge and there were rumours that Pecton's days may be numbered.
Band chairman Laurence Fishburn said, "Sadly, Peter has found it increasingly difficult to balance the band's schedule with his studies. Either that or his parents have bought him a dog that needs walking every evening. Something like that. We definitely haven't sacked him. No. No way. He's not been sacked just because Reece has come back to the band. No. Not sacked".
When we contacted Pecton he was in the bath, but his mum said, "The fuckers have sacked him".
Band chairman Laurence Fishburn said, "Sadly, Peter has found it increasingly difficult to balance the band's schedule with his studies. Either that or his parents have bought him a dog that needs walking every evening. Something like that. We definitely haven't sacked him. No. No way. He's not been sacked just because Reece has come back to the band. No. Not sacked".
When we contacted Pecton he was in the bath, but his mum said, "The fuckers have sacked him".
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Bands In Terror Threat
A British
intelligence agent has highlighted an incredible Al Qaeda plot to attack next
year’s Area contests. Seen as a pillar of western society, brass banding is
apparently now at risk of attack from fundamentalists.
Undercover MI6 agent codename “Beavertail”, but who we know better as Chris Shatliffe of 52 Wormald Crescent, Wetwang, said, “Intelligence suggests Al Qaeda are planning to attack one of the Area contests next year. On my first day at work last week they showed me where my desk was, where the bogs were and how to work the photocopier. Then they made me sign the Official Secrets Act. I intend to resign in the near future so I can write a no holds barred book and earn some wonga, but for now I can’t say a right lot. However, I felt that the brass band movement should be warned”.
Chris has specific advice for different Area contests as follows:-
North East (Alert Code: Green) – “This is the land that time forgot, full of defunct pit villages where there’s nowt but a corner shop selling strong cider, tobacco and Pot Noodles. As a result the risk is relatively low, but there is some chance of potential prank calls to contest organisers and minor vandalism of band coaches outside the venue”.
Yorkshire (Alert Code: Topaz) – “Some risk of an attack on catering, possibly including removing the fuse from the plug on the cooker or spitting in the mushy peas. Roller skates and/or marbles may be left on the staircases”.
Midlands (Alert Code: Tangerine) – “There is a risk of aspirin added to drinks in the bar area to try to make players a bit woozy and some possibility of incorrect signage being placed pointing the wrong way to registration”.
London & Southern Counties (Alert Code: Crimson) – “Al Qaeda would love to strike in the capital. Players wishing to take a bottle of water on stage will be forced to drink some in front of officials to prove it ain’t poison or summat. There is also a risk of kidnap of flugel horn players”.
Chris added, “I advise band members to remain vigilant and report anything suspicious to contest control”.
Undercover MI6 agent codename “Beavertail”, but who we know better as Chris Shatliffe of 52 Wormald Crescent, Wetwang, said, “Intelligence suggests Al Qaeda are planning to attack one of the Area contests next year. On my first day at work last week they showed me where my desk was, where the bogs were and how to work the photocopier. Then they made me sign the Official Secrets Act. I intend to resign in the near future so I can write a no holds barred book and earn some wonga, but for now I can’t say a right lot. However, I felt that the brass band movement should be warned”.
Chris has specific advice for different Area contests as follows:-
North East (Alert Code: Green) – “This is the land that time forgot, full of defunct pit villages where there’s nowt but a corner shop selling strong cider, tobacco and Pot Noodles. As a result the risk is relatively low, but there is some chance of potential prank calls to contest organisers and minor vandalism of band coaches outside the venue”.
Yorkshire (Alert Code: Topaz) – “Some risk of an attack on catering, possibly including removing the fuse from the plug on the cooker or spitting in the mushy peas. Roller skates and/or marbles may be left on the staircases”.
Midlands (Alert Code: Tangerine) – “There is a risk of aspirin added to drinks in the bar area to try to make players a bit woozy and some possibility of incorrect signage being placed pointing the wrong way to registration”.
London & Southern Counties (Alert Code: Crimson) – “Al Qaeda would love to strike in the capital. Players wishing to take a bottle of water on stage will be forced to drink some in front of officials to prove it ain’t poison or summat. There is also a risk of kidnap of flugel horn players”.
Chris added, “I advise band members to remain vigilant and report anything suspicious to contest control”.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Radio: Hark At The Racket
More tedious old-school brass band shite from Monty Fanshawe on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30pm. This week's programme features:-
Oceans Ablaze (Trentby Senior Band)
Overture: Die Waffenfuffel (The Winmau Dartboards Band)
Concerto for Panpipes and Garden Hose (Paraplegic Brass Ensemble)
Stop Me and Buy One (Winnibago Brass)
The Frothing Flange (Pear Tree Silver - soloist Anna Wideon)
Horatio and the Vikings (Emley Potatoe Works Band)
Monthly Quiz: May
The prize for this month's quiz is £2.48, a bottle of mineral water and your choice of a pre-packed sandwich from our friends at Javi's Newsagents, Cludgeley. The question you have to answer is:-
At the 1934 Barnoldswick Invitational, held at the Hercule Poirot Leisure Centre, Barnoldswick, how many points out of 200 were awarded by adjudicator Lucius Ripley to the winning band? And what was that band's name?
Yes, that's two questions in one. Answers to the usual address - closing date 29th May.
At the 1934 Barnoldswick Invitational, held at the Hercule Poirot Leisure Centre, Barnoldswick, how many points out of 200 were awarded by adjudicator Lucius Ripley to the winning band? And what was that band's name?
Yes, that's two questions in one. Answers to the usual address - closing date 29th May.
200 not out for Oswaldtwistle
The Oswaldtwistle (Fenwicks Embalming Fluids) Band is celebrating its 200th anniversary with a series of special events throughout 2012.
Secretary Rita Liar said, "All early records of the band were destroyed when the old bandroom burnt down in 1974. Nobody could remember when it started, so we had a meeting in the pub and decided that it must be 200 years ago this year. This makes it by far the oldest brass band in the country, a fact that we have been proud to add to the website, which is now receiving 3 to 4 hits per month".
Players have been challenged to raise £200 by the end of 2012, a pound for every year it has existed. Rita said, "All sorts of ideas have been rolling in from the players, from staging cock fights in the Lame Labrador on Friday evenings to a sponsored wankathon. Watch this space!"
Secretary Rita Liar said, "All early records of the band were destroyed when the old bandroom burnt down in 1974. Nobody could remember when it started, so we had a meeting in the pub and decided that it must be 200 years ago this year. This makes it by far the oldest brass band in the country, a fact that we have been proud to add to the website, which is now receiving 3 to 4 hits per month".
Players have been challenged to raise £200 by the end of 2012, a pound for every year it has existed. Rita said, "All sorts of ideas have been rolling in from the players, from staging cock fights in the Lame Labrador on Friday evenings to a sponsored wankathon. Watch this space!"
Syphillis for Moira Owens
Doctors have confirmed that legendary band slapper Moira Owens, 48, is in fact suffering from syphillis and not chlamydia, as had first been believed.
Bandsmen who have come into contact with Moira at recent contests are advised to contact their local clap clinic for a full health check.
Dr. Brian Lefevre, specialist in cock diseases at the University Hospital Wetwang told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Those who have had sexual contact with Moira recently, particularly up the back door, and are now experiencing pain whilst pissing, or have suffered any form of pus-like discharge out of the end of their knob, should get checked out as soon as possible".
Bandsmen who have come into contact with Moira at recent contests are advised to contact their local clap clinic for a full health check.
Dr. Brian Lefevre, specialist in cock diseases at the University Hospital Wetwang told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Those who have had sexual contact with Moira recently, particularly up the back door, and are now experiencing pain whilst pissing, or have suffered any form of pus-like discharge out of the end of their knob, should get checked out as soon as possible".
Moss Side Contest back on
Organisers have confirmed that the Moss Side March Contest in Manchester is back on and will take place on Saturday 26th May commencing at 2pm.
Bands will march from the roundabout where a 17-year-old youth was fatally stabbed two weeks ago to the row of boarded up shops where last week's drive-by shooting occurred. A contest march will then be performed in front of a crowd of single mothers and washed up tramps. The winning band will receive a bag of drugs with a street value in excess of £250 plus the Clinton Espedril Memorial Trophy.
To enter contact Barbara Tucket on Chorlton 73948.
Bands will march from the roundabout where a 17-year-old youth was fatally stabbed two weeks ago to the row of boarded up shops where last week's drive-by shooting occurred. A contest march will then be performed in front of a crowd of single mothers and washed up tramps. The winning band will receive a bag of drugs with a street value in excess of £250 plus the Clinton Espedril Memorial Trophy.
To enter contact Barbara Tucket on Chorlton 73948.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Grooms gets baritone stuck up his arse
Baritone legend Brian Grooms has told the Ainley Top Bandstand how he got his baritone stuck up his arse. Grooms said, "I was masturbating one evening last week and wanted something to stimulate my anus at the same time. I couldn't find a banana or a pump action toothpaste dispenser, so I hit on the idea of using my baritone".
"However, at the onset of the vinegar strokes, my starfish went into spasm and gripped the instrument so tightly I couldn't free it".
Grooms had an embarassing trip to casualty where a doctor was able to relax his anus, allowing release of the instrument. As a result, Grooms will be back in action with the Pondsford Mills Band next weekend.
Ferguson to help Pimpston
Major General Fred Stanton has announced a major coup ahead of next Sunday's Bands In Concert Championship at the John Motson Conference Centre, Wetwang. Stanton has been engaged to conduct the Pimpston Colliery Band and has involved a popular old friend.
Stanton told the Bandstand, "We are finishing with Wagner's 'Sigmund's Procession to the Chip Shop', which of course has a notoriously lofty soprano part throughout. Frankly, the sop player at Plimpston wasn't up to the task, so I told the little ratbag to step down".
"Thankfully, due to my stature in world music, I have friends around the world who are top, top players. A call to my good friend, American screamer trumpet legend Massey Ferguson, and he dropped everything (except his trumpet) and jumped on a flight over here!"
"Massey has settled in well and he and I will pick up £2,500 each, which is a huge boost just before the contest. Members of Plimpston Colliery will be in the foyer with buckets collecting to cover this unforeseen additional cost, and I ask the public to dig deep".
Stanton told the Bandstand, "We are finishing with Wagner's 'Sigmund's Procession to the Chip Shop', which of course has a notoriously lofty soprano part throughout. Frankly, the sop player at Plimpston wasn't up to the task, so I told the little ratbag to step down".
"Thankfully, due to my stature in world music, I have friends around the world who are top, top players. A call to my good friend, American screamer trumpet legend Massey Ferguson, and he dropped everything (except his trumpet) and jumped on a flight over here!"
"Massey has settled in well and he and I will pick up £2,500 each, which is a huge boost just before the contest. Members of Plimpston Colliery will be in the foyer with buckets collecting to cover this unforeseen additional cost, and I ask the public to dig deep".
Monthly Quiz: April Winner
Winner of our April quiz is Mrs. Irene Puckersgill of Dilsbury. Irene correctly identified that a pork pie would have set you back nobbut a shilling at the Earl of Tampax Contest.
Thanks to both of you who took time to enter.
Thanks to both of you who took time to enter.
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Death of Anna Perastroika
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of 8-year-old Russian tuba star Anna Perastroika. She died of consumption in a Moscow tenement building earlier this week.
Her death comes less than a week after her tear-jerking performance of Basses In The Ballroom wowed the judges on Moscow's Got Talent.
Mother Katarina said, "Anna began playing tuba at just four hours old. If wrong note she played, hit her with a stick I would. That is what made her great. Sorely missed she will be".
Gossip From Drunk Man at a Contest
The Ainley Top Bandstand has appointed notorious contest drunk Charlie Gutbucket to dig out the bar room gossip. After his visit to today's Thomas Hardy (Mayor of Caisterbridge) Contest, here's his update on the backstage gossip.
"I love brass bands, me. I love red wine too. I probably love red wine more than brass bands. I might drink a couple of bottles for breakfast, and that's true, that is, scouts honour".
"Anyway, you know that Natalie Lestrange, her what laiks with Scaleby Concert Band? Takes it up the shitter, she does. No, straight up. Mate o' mine shagged her at the Hovis Wheatgerm Invitational. Said she let him do 'er up the wrong 'un. Dirty bitch".
"Adjudicators, yeah? There day's up mate. The Japs have invented a robot what can separate brass band performances to within a 2% degree of accuracy. 2% eh? Fuck me. Anyway, they're testing it in Tokyo, reckon it'll be available over here within six months. You wouldn't believe it, would you?"
"Mind, I tell you what, there was a bird from Plumpton (Pickersgill Prosthetics) Band in here earlier. Rubbing my cock she was. Her hands were all over the place. She fucked off when I shit me pants. Shame really, I might have slipped 'er one. No, God's honour, she was".
"Oy, are you in mate? Shout us up a bottle of house red will yer? Only I'm a bit skint, see".
More from Charlie next time.
Trumpet laiker shot in bollocks
Uruguayan television has broadcast scenes of a trumpet laiker being shot in the bollocks for not being able to play his part. The trumpet laiker in question was auditioning for a seat with the Montevideo Symphony Orchestra under notoriously hot-headed dago conductor Armando Tantalusqualan.
After the trumpet player splits several notes, Tantalusqualan, who appeared to be high on drugs, shot him in the bollocks. The scene ends with the trumpet laiker writhing in agony on the floor as Tantalusqualan says, "For me, it is the only way".
The Geneva-based International Guild of Trumpet Laikers has condemned the atrocity.
Chelmsford on top at Caisterbridge
The Chelmsford Chutney Works Band have won today's Thomas Hardy (Mayor of
Caisterbridge) Contest at the Paul O'Grady Leisure Centre, Finsbury Park.
Cornet player Lucy Lovegood of the Pegdon's Peas Band won the solo prize.
Their
performance of Thomas Tilderberg's "Put a Hat On It" earned 178
points out of 200. Adjudicator Lambert Butler described it as "...a performance of imminent loathing
with a hint of subdued disaster throughout".
The contest
was marred by a fight between two rival players. It is reported that Neil
Wilton of the Doddington (Duracell) Band caught Simon Pegasus of Stoutly
Combobulate ogling his bird's tits in the bar and a scuffle broke out.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Feckin' Feck It For Feckles
Soprano star Buster Feckles has been knocked out of this year's Radio Luxembourg Brass Musician of the Year Competiton after a tensely fought semi-final battle at the Murray Mints Studios, Austerbridge.
Feckles was beaten to a final place by 8-year-old washboard player Jonas Nefertiti, who wowed crowd and judges alike with his performance of Splice the Mainbrace.
Feckles said, "To come so far is a bonus. But, to be honest, to lose to such a bigheaded shit like Jonas is a real kick in the balls. He swaggers around like he is someone, yet he's an 8-year-old lad who can knock out a half decent tune on the washboard. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
Feckles, who had been drinking heavily during and after his performance of Naisby's Oops Upside Yer Head, was visibly upset as adjudicator Benson Rapture MBE described his performance as "...one of limited enjoyment, a bit like a tragic house fire leading to a gas explosion" and "...one to remember for all the wrong reasons, shite".
There was a minor scuffle and adjudicator remarks were thrown across the room before Feckles was forcibly ejected from the building.
Feckles was beaten to a final place by 8-year-old washboard player Jonas Nefertiti, who wowed crowd and judges alike with his performance of Splice the Mainbrace.
Feckles said, "To come so far is a bonus. But, to be honest, to lose to such a bigheaded shit like Jonas is a real kick in the balls. He swaggers around like he is someone, yet he's an 8-year-old lad who can knock out a half decent tune on the washboard. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
Feckles, who had been drinking heavily during and after his performance of Naisby's Oops Upside Yer Head, was visibly upset as adjudicator Benson Rapture MBE described his performance as "...one of limited enjoyment, a bit like a tragic house fire leading to a gas explosion" and "...one to remember for all the wrong reasons, shite".
There was a minor scuffle and adjudicator remarks were thrown across the room before Feckles was forcibly ejected from the building.
Pontucket Strengthen Ranks
The Pontucket (Ronseal - It Does What It Says On The Tin) Band have strengthened the ranks ahead of their assault on their local village fete.
Chairman Lucifer Bagnold said, "Joining us on cornet is Mary Grainger. Many will recall that Mary played for ten years with the Smirlsmere Band, until her husband caught her sucking off the conductor behind wheelie bins at the recent Caernafon Custard Creams Contest".
"Also joining us on bass is Peter Blanket, formerly of the Chatsworth Co-Op Band. Peter has overcome his battle with alcoholism and violent mood swings and joins us in much better shape, or at least so far so good".
"The village fete is the toughest day of the year, as we have to lead the procession from outside the Twisted Throat pub to the roundabout on Acre Lane, before performing a one-hour concert. Having players of the calibre of Mary and Peter can only add to our assault on this event".
Chairman Lucifer Bagnold said, "Joining us on cornet is Mary Grainger. Many will recall that Mary played for ten years with the Smirlsmere Band, until her husband caught her sucking off the conductor behind wheelie bins at the recent Caernafon Custard Creams Contest".
"Also joining us on bass is Peter Blanket, formerly of the Chatsworth Co-Op Band. Peter has overcome his battle with alcoholism and violent mood swings and joins us in much better shape, or at least so far so good".
"The village fete is the toughest day of the year, as we have to lead the procession from outside the Twisted Throat pub to the roundabout on Acre Lane, before performing a one-hour concert. Having players of the calibre of Mary and Peter can only add to our assault on this event".
Radio: Hark At The Racket
After a week away, Monty Fanshawe has released details of this Friday's radio show on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. The programme includes:-
On the Poop Deck (The Band of the Holmbridge Hussars)
Overture from 'Bitch' the Musical (The Monty Panasaar Band)
My Gash Is A-Gapin' (Reeston Silver - soloist Mandy Fannylumps)
The Dairylea Triangle (Peristone Weighbridge Band)
Touch It, Touch It (Norbridge Invicta Band - soloist Emmy-Lou Chorlton)
Closin' Time (Friggery Combobulate Band)
Sunday, 22 April 2012
More "Let's Talk About Me"
More from our exclusive serialisation of Major General Fred Stanton's autobiography "Let's Talk About Me" (Nubis Books, £17.99).
"Through my long and distinguished musical career I have obviously earned a lot of money. However, I have also travelled all around the world sharing my musical expertise and one such time was when I visited Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe had engaged me to take the Harare State Orchestra in a recording session. We were to put down the theme music to a new Zimbabwean soap opera called Mboto Ba Ba Mbongo".
"The day before the session I was invited by Mugabe to play a round of golf at his private club. All was going well and Mugabe was nodding appreciatively as I gave him my musical CV in a nutshell. However, things took a turn for the worse on the 7th when Mugabe hit his tee shot out of bounds".
"He couldn't find his ball so took a relief drop. However, when we finished up on the green (I remember I had made a rather handy birdie), he failed to note the penalty stroke on his card. I suggested that he perhaps pay a little more attention to the strict rules of golf, upon which the mad mullah threatened to have me shot!"
"Anyway, I won 3 & 2 and also produced a fine performance with the orchestra the following day. The trip netted me £4,000 plus expenses, which is the most the important thing, but to this day I remember my death threat from Robert Mugabe!"
Calendar shock with Much Wenlock
The Much Wenlock Band promise shocks galore with a new calendar for 2013. Fundraising manager Brian Archways said, "In an effort to raise much needed funds we decided to take inspiration from those WI duffers who got their kit off for a charity calendar, except ours will promise more shocks!"
Shooting of the calendar has now been completed and Brian added, "February, for example, features percussionist Mavis Wilson being spit roasted by the trombone section whilst musical director Quentin Snapes shits on her head. September has horn player Lucy Strange chained to a timpani whilst suffering a bukkake gang bang at the hands of the cornet section".
The band hope to raise £1,000 to fund their 2013 visit to the Pointless & A Very Long Way Away Entertainment Contest.
Shooting of the calendar has now been completed and Brian added, "February, for example, features percussionist Mavis Wilson being spit roasted by the trombone section whilst musical director Quentin Snapes shits on her head. September has horn player Lucy Strange chained to a timpani whilst suffering a bukkake gang bang at the hands of the cornet section".
The band hope to raise £1,000 to fund their 2013 visit to the Pointless & A Very Long Way Away Entertainment Contest.
Bagley sprain
Euphonium legend Bovington Bagley has sprained his ankle in a fall. Bagley, who spent 25 years as principal euphonium with the Minton Main Colliery Band, told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "I was doing some grouting in the bathroom whilst Mavis was warming some soup in the kitchen. I slipped on that silly mat she puts round the bottom of the shitpan and my ankle just went over".
Doctors have told Bagley to rest for a week but he will be back in action next weekend with a recital at the Church of Saint Arthur the Recidevist, Mourinho-on-Sea.
Doctors have told Bagley to rest for a week but he will be back in action next weekend with a recital at the Church of Saint Arthur the Recidevist, Mourinho-on-Sea.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Beige to join Pontypool ranks
Gary Beige, solo Fb Bombardon with the Dilkes Raja Silver Band has announced his resignation with immediate effect. It has been announced by Pontypool Brass that Beige will take the solo seat as of next Sunday mornings rehearsal.
Beige commented, 'What an unbelievable chance to commute down the M6, M4 and M5 on a regular basis. There is a particular stretch of the M4 that is currently being re-surfaced but come May, this should be one of the finest tarmacadam highways in the British Isles.'
Pontypool were reportedly 'mildly ok-ish' with their new signing after auditioning numerous candidates before offering the notoriously bland of personality, Beige the famous seat.
Dilkes Raja Silver released this statement earlier today. 'What a fucking cunt. He should have been playing at the Kingspan Village fete with us at weekend but he has just discarded us like used wank rag. I hope he fucking dies in his sleep the shit cunt'.
Beige's first appearance with the band will be at Lampshade cum Bucket a week of Sunday.
Beige commented, 'What an unbelievable chance to commute down the M6, M4 and M5 on a regular basis. There is a particular stretch of the M4 that is currently being re-surfaced but come May, this should be one of the finest tarmacadam highways in the British Isles.'
Pontypool were reportedly 'mildly ok-ish' with their new signing after auditioning numerous candidates before offering the notoriously bland of personality, Beige the famous seat.
Dilkes Raja Silver released this statement earlier today. 'What a fucking cunt. He should have been playing at the Kingspan Village fete with us at weekend but he has just discarded us like used wank rag. I hope he fucking dies in his sleep the shit cunt'.
Beige's first appearance with the band will be at Lampshade cum Bucket a week of Sunday.
Monday, 16 April 2012
Pooley Bridge Seek Assistance
The Pooley Bridge Band is looking for 100 heavily armed, gangly robots for an ambitious Star Wars Attack of the Clones-themed concert outside Ambleside Tourist Information Office at the end of May.
Concert secretary Mavis Pendragon said, "We are going to deck out one of our percussionists as Princess Amidala and our MD, Norman Carcass, will be made up like that bad guy with the red and black face, complete with double-headed 'light sabre' baton made out of flourescent tubes wired up to a car battery. However, we are still the 100 robots short and if anyone is able to help they can contact me on Pooley Bridge 45782, but not Tuesday nights and not after 6.00pm on a Thursday".
Concert secretary Mavis Pendragon said, "We are going to deck out one of our percussionists as Princess Amidala and our MD, Norman Carcass, will be made up like that bad guy with the red and black face, complete with double-headed 'light sabre' baton made out of flourescent tubes wired up to a car battery. However, we are still the 100 robots short and if anyone is able to help they can contact me on Pooley Bridge 45782, but not Tuesday nights and not after 6.00pm on a Thursday".
Dent in Hot Water
Blue comedian Charlie "Nobby" Dent is in hot water after a gaffe at the Harveys Furniture Spring Sale Buy Now Pay Nothing For 12 Months Youth Championships. Dent was brought in by organisers to compere the event, which featured some of the country's leading youth bands.
Upset parent Margaret Chernobyl said, "Whilst one of the bands was setting up on stage, Dent decided to lighten the mood and launched into a joke about a one-legged black Jew with Downs Syndrome. We couldn't believe what we were hearing, it was wholly inappropriate for this event".
Dent said, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, miserable c***s!"
Organiser Hebrides Fingal admitted it was probably a mistake engaging the notoriously controversial comic. "Maybe we should have gone for Alan Titchmarsh after all" he remarked.
Upset parent Margaret Chernobyl said, "Whilst one of the bands was setting up on stage, Dent decided to lighten the mood and launched into a joke about a one-legged black Jew with Downs Syndrome. We couldn't believe what we were hearing, it was wholly inappropriate for this event".
Dent said, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, miserable c***s!"
Organiser Hebrides Fingal admitted it was probably a mistake engaging the notoriously controversial comic. "Maybe we should have gone for Alan Titchmarsh after all" he remarked.
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has informed the Ainley Top Bandstand that there will be no Hark At The Racket show this Friday. The programme has been rescheduled due to Diggle FM's live coverage of the Saddelworth Cup semi final between Diggle FC and Austerlands Vikings.
Monty said, "It is disappointing and I apologise to regular listeners. However, I do promise to make up for it with a particularly tawdry pile of shite on next week's show".
Friday, 13 April 2012
Thumbs Down For Brassed Off
Brassed Off has been voted Least Influential Movie of the 1990's by the British Film Institute. Chairman Digby Fraser-Henderson said, "Prior to release of the film in 1996, the British public's perception of brass bands was one of working class northerners breeding pigeons and cycling to rehearsals in full stage uniform coughing up coal dust whilst a clown tries to hang himself. Since the film was released, the British public's perception of brass bands has been one of working class northerners breeding pigeons and cycling to rehearsals in full stage uniform coughing up coal dust whilst a clown tries to hang himself. It has made no difference whatsoever".
The film, however, is well loved amongst the brass band fraternity and includes some wonderful dialogue, including the classic:-
"Would you like to come up for a coffee?"
"I don't like coffee!"
"I haven't got any, I just want to fuck you!"
The film, however, is well loved amongst the brass band fraternity and includes some wonderful dialogue, including the classic:-
"Would you like to come up for a coffee?"
"I don't like coffee!"
"I haven't got any, I just want to fuck you!"
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Masterclass: Conducting Techniques
In our latest masterclass Gordon Herring takes readers through some invaluable conducting techniques. Gordon is musical director of the Friggory St. Bees Silver Band and recently guided them to 17th place at the Trampsmere (Birds Eye Peas) Shield.
"For a conductor, a clearly defined beat is crucial, especially if conducting a Wankers Section band. Two in a bar is easy, that's just up and down. Four in a bar I do just the same, except there's twice as many beats in each bar. Yes, I think that's right. Three in a bar is a bit more tricky, I do like a triangle, with each beat being one side of the triangle. For more complicated stuff like 5/8 or 7/8, I tend to just wave my arms in different directions or, sometimes, I just give one longer beat followed by another one that's a bit quicker".
"Discipline around the stand is also vitally important and the conductor must remain in control. If I come across a player what hasn't practiced his or her part, I make the fucker stand on a chair and play it until they get it right. We once spent a whole rehearsal listening to some fat little bitch of a horn player trying to get to grips with a chromatic run. She broke down in tears at the end, then I sacked her. It sounds harsh, but sometimes it has to be done".
"Bluffing, or 'bullshitting' as Herbert von Carrier-Pigeon once put it, is the most useful tool in the conductor's armoury. If I fuck up beating a bar I stop and pretend I meant to do it to see if they were watching. Then I ask them something like have they ever heard the Chicago Symphony Orchestra's recording of the piece. By that stage they're so confused they forget I've fucked up at all".
"Finally, sort the finances! Remember, most people who apply for vacant conducting jobs are fucking useless. Even if the band is really shit I hold out for at least £50 a rehearsal"
"Best wishes, Gordon".
Laisterdike Go With Schwimmer
Laisterdike Temperance Band have appointed Hollywood star David Schwimmer as musical director.
Schwimmer, best known as Monica's boyfriend Joey off of US sitcom Frazier, wowed the band at last Tuesday's rehearsal. President of the band, Paul Wickham-Wanderer, said "David developed an instant rapport with the band and worked them hard on the programme for the forthcoming concert at Laisterdike Corn Exchange. To close, he asked if the band would mind running through Frank Bernaerdt's arrangement of One Moment In Time, as a tribute to his friend Whitney Houston. David and the band ended the piece in tears".
Paul would not be drawn on the finer details of the deal, but it is understood Schwimmer has accepted terms of £30 a rehearsal with an undisclosed bonus payment if the band achieve a placing of third or higher at the Garforth Open in September.
Schwimmer, best known as Monica's boyfriend Joey off of US sitcom Frazier, wowed the band at last Tuesday's rehearsal. President of the band, Paul Wickham-Wanderer, said "David developed an instant rapport with the band and worked them hard on the programme for the forthcoming concert at Laisterdike Corn Exchange. To close, he asked if the band would mind running through Frank Bernaerdt's arrangement of One Moment In Time, as a tribute to his friend Whitney Houston. David and the band ended the piece in tears".
Paul would not be drawn on the finer details of the deal, but it is understood Schwimmer has accepted terms of £30 a rehearsal with an undisclosed bonus payment if the band achieve a placing of third or higher at the Garforth Open in September.
Monday, 9 April 2012
Hopes Fade For Wan Ton
Morbidly obese Chinese trumpet star Wan Ton Marsalis is still in critical condition in a Beijing hospital as doctors fight to save his life. Marsalis, 38 stone, was craned out of his third floor Beijing flat on Friday after his bed collapsed and he was unable to move. The weight of his man-breasts compressed his lungs leading to his brain becoming starved of oxygen.
Doctor Xiao Ping-Pong said, "We are doing all we can but Wan Ton remains in a critical condition".
Marsalis performed with the Ottery St Mary (Finger of Fudge) Band at their centenary concert in 1998.
Radio: Hark at the Racket
Splice the Mainbrace (Baghdad Carpet Works Band)
Theme From Magnum PI (Loganberry Infernal Band)
Vaginal Leakage (The Ainsley Harriott Band, soloist Morgan Skidpan)
Banging Like a Shithouse Door (Combetown Brass)
Motherf***ing Booty Lover (Barnfield Citadel Band featuring Snoop Dogg)
In the Eye of the Beholder (The Band of the Chesney Hawkes Highlanders)
Let's Talk About Me: Serialisation
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been given exclusive rights to publish extracts of the autobiography of Major General Fred Stanton, the well-known conductor, broadcaster, compere and raconteur. Never one to shy away from talking about himself, the name-dropping charlatan titles the book "Let's Talk About Me". In this first dramatic serialisation he regales us with another fine anecdote:-
"It was Sunday morning, I'd conducted the Lowestoft Brass Symposium at the Bonnie Langford Pavilion in Brighton the night before and was on my way back to my country retreat in the Cotswolds. However, some inconsiderate oaf had thrown himself under the 07:14 to Devizes and the trains were all to cock".
"I took the flyer up to London instead, with the intention of bunking over at my club. On arrival at the club, Lord Lloyd-Webber was at the bar. As was his want of a Sunday afternoon, he was in quite a state. He staggered over to join me, clutching a bottle of absinthe and two sherry glasses".
"We spoke about musical theatre, I remember he was quite nervous about the impending launch of Phantom in the west end. Then it dawned on me. Almost ten minutes had passed and we hadn't yet talked about me! Immediately I reminded Andrew that I had conducted the Brimstone Invicta Band in the now-legendary performance of Oadby's "Cat Amongst the Pigeons" at the Albert Hall only a couple of years before".
"After he had nodded appreciatively in response to that little chestnut, I reminded him of my biggest sacrifice in banding. It came whilst taking the Pottersdale Creamery Band to the Aberystwyth Invitational at the Tom Jones Theatre. Not a big venue by my standards, as I've conducted at most of the finest concert halls in the world".
"Anyway, the band had lost their sponsor and were skint. I was booked to do the Friday and Saturday rehearsals then the gig on the Sunday. In view of the dire straits they were in, I knew I had to do something. I took the instant decision to selflessly, magnanimously, reduce my fee to just £2,000 to help them out!"
"Anyway, we came 17th. My interpretation of the piece was a bit out. But my noble act had won me a whole new set of banding friends!"
More from "Let's Talk About Me" next time.
NOBBA Set Guidelines
The National Organisation of Brass Band Adjudicators has set new guidelines for those wishing to join the organisation.
NOBBA chairman Stanton Peat-Bog told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "90% of our current line up of adjudicators has between 5 and 10 years left to live. Banding faces a chronic lack of men in the box if we don't attract new blood".
"The guidelines are there to simplify the process for those seeking to become adjudicators. What we are looking for essentially is people that haven't really done anything, like conduct top bands to major titles, etc. Also, a complete misunderstanding of contesting and eccentric, outspoken opinions are a must".
"Also essential is the ability to mislead. For example, a candidate should have no qualms about telling bands at the draw that he/she expects performances to stick literally to tempos marked on the score, only to then award first place to a band that plays the piece much faster than marked".
As part of the process a new position of "trainee adjudicator" has been introduced. Those attaining that status will shadow old duffers up and down the country and their results, whilst not affecting the contest directly, will be scrutinised to ensure they are eccentric enough".
More details on the NOBBA website.
NOBBA chairman Stanton Peat-Bog told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "90% of our current line up of adjudicators has between 5 and 10 years left to live. Banding faces a chronic lack of men in the box if we don't attract new blood".
"The guidelines are there to simplify the process for those seeking to become adjudicators. What we are looking for essentially is people that haven't really done anything, like conduct top bands to major titles, etc. Also, a complete misunderstanding of contesting and eccentric, outspoken opinions are a must".
"Also essential is the ability to mislead. For example, a candidate should have no qualms about telling bands at the draw that he/she expects performances to stick literally to tempos marked on the score, only to then award first place to a band that plays the piece much faster than marked".
As part of the process a new position of "trainee adjudicator" has been introduced. Those attaining that status will shadow old duffers up and down the country and their results, whilst not affecting the contest directly, will be scrutinised to ensure they are eccentric enough".
More details on the NOBBA website.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Advert: Cockby Town Council Music Services
Peripatetic Teaching Co-Ordinator (circa £25,000)
Cockby Town Council seek an overweight, sexually repressed individual with an interest in touching young children inappropriately to head up their Peripatetic Brass Teaching Network. The ideal candidate will demonstrate a good level of kiddy fiddling skills. The ability to perform a full internal diaphragm check would be an advantage.
Artistic Performance Restriction Executive (circa £150,000)
The Council seek an officious, pompous twat with a little moustache and a clipboard to implement their 2012 Artistic Performance Restriction Programme. The ideal candidate will demonstrate the ability to cancel all brass band concerts in Cockby Park due to budget constraints and allow Cockby Bandstand to fall into disrepair and become a haven for drug addicts.
CV's in confidence to Leonard Philadelphia, Cockby Town Council, The Town Hall, Winnie Mandela Terrace, Cockby.
Cockby Town Council seek an overweight, sexually repressed individual with an interest in touching young children inappropriately to head up their Peripatetic Brass Teaching Network. The ideal candidate will demonstrate a good level of kiddy fiddling skills. The ability to perform a full internal diaphragm check would be an advantage.
Artistic Performance Restriction Executive (circa £150,000)
The Council seek an officious, pompous twat with a little moustache and a clipboard to implement their 2012 Artistic Performance Restriction Programme. The ideal candidate will demonstrate the ability to cancel all brass band concerts in Cockby Park due to budget constraints and allow Cockby Bandstand to fall into disrepair and become a haven for drug addicts.
CV's in confidence to Leonard Philadelphia, Cockby Town Council, The Town Hall, Winnie Mandela Terrace, Cockby.
Monthly Quiz: April
Here's your chance to win a fantastic prize courtesy of our friends at Charnford Banding & Electronics. This month's lucky winner will get a bottle of valve oil and a 42-inch plasma television (television not included).
The prize question is as follows:-
At the 1773 Earl of Tampax Contest, Sir Hector Dewsbury-Dodd conducted the Amstrad Colliery Band into first place at the Hector Berlioz Arts & Crafts Centre, Chesney. However, how much did a pork pie cost at the buffet just off the main foyer?
Answers on a postcard to The Ainley Top Bandstand, Oxspring Road, Wetwang to be received before the closing date of Friday 27th April.
The prize question is as follows:-
At the 1773 Earl of Tampax Contest, Sir Hector Dewsbury-Dodd conducted the Amstrad Colliery Band into first place at the Hector Berlioz Arts & Crafts Centre, Chesney. However, how much did a pork pie cost at the buffet just off the main foyer?
Answers on a postcard to The Ainley Top Bandstand, Oxspring Road, Wetwang to be received before the closing date of Friday 27th April.
Death of Sidney Sissons
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Sidney Sissons. Sidney, 83, was associated with a number of contests in the Little Sponging area as announcer. He was widely respected for his ability to whistle whilst pronouncing the letter "s".
He is most affectionately remembered for falling over drunk whilst announcing band number one at the 2003 Osprey St. Bees (Autumnwatch) Invitational Contest.
He died on Monday after falling off a stepladder in his kitchen trying to reach a tin of marrowfat peas in the back of a cupboard. He leaves a cat, Oscar, and a budgerigar, Nigel. Both have been destroyed.
He is most affectionately remembered for falling over drunk whilst announcing band number one at the 2003 Osprey St. Bees (Autumnwatch) Invitational Contest.
He died on Monday after falling off a stepladder in his kitchen trying to reach a tin of marrowfat peas in the back of a cupboard. He leaves a cat, Oscar, and a budgerigar, Nigel. Both have been destroyed.
TV Appearance For St. Judes
The St. Judes Brass Band from Bedspring-on-the-Marsh are to make their first ever television appearance next Wednesday.
In part of that episode of Cash In The Garage filmed at the Grisley Showground, Tockslapton, eagle-eyed viewers will notice the band far off in the background loading their tackle onto a bus after performing at the nearby Tockslapton Church of Saint Clive the Redeemer.
Band chairman Arthur Spent said, "If viewers watch the bit where that woman with the lopsided ears negotiates a deal on the Sheritan sideboard with the barley sugar legs and lions claw feet, the band can be seen in the distance just beyond the ice cream van".
In part of that episode of Cash In The Garage filmed at the Grisley Showground, Tockslapton, eagle-eyed viewers will notice the band far off in the background loading their tackle onto a bus after performing at the nearby Tockslapton Church of Saint Clive the Redeemer.
Band chairman Arthur Spent said, "If viewers watch the bit where that woman with the lopsided ears negotiates a deal on the Sheritan sideboard with the barley sugar legs and lions claw feet, the band can be seen in the distance just beyond the ice cream van".
Beeyunar Silver target unsettled Balotelli
Serial National Finalist rentaband, Beeyunar Silver are said to be in talks with unsettled Manchester City star, Mario Balotelli.
Beeyunar Silver, who have numerous contest wins but the engagement list of a religious folk group are rumoured to be in talks with the hit man, stating 'We need to raise the week in, week out standard. Mario fits the bill.'
At present in between contests, Beeyunar Silver have barely half a band and fill the other half with small animals to fulfill engagements.
An old man had this to say, 'Mario would be a great signing for the band, he would fit in perfectly. Especially with him being a jumped up shit cunt.
Beeyunar Silver are reported to be offering Balotelli £1,000 a contest, £20 a concert plus travelling expenses. Meals at gigs are dependant on whether the church in question has luncheon facilities.
Beeyunar Silver, who have numerous contest wins but the engagement list of a religious folk group are rumoured to be in talks with the hit man, stating 'We need to raise the week in, week out standard. Mario fits the bill.'
At present in between contests, Beeyunar Silver have barely half a band and fill the other half with small animals to fulfill engagements.
An old man had this to say, 'Mario would be a great signing for the band, he would fit in perfectly. Especially with him being a jumped up shit cunt.
Beeyunar Silver are reported to be offering Balotelli £1,000 a contest, £20 a concert plus travelling expenses. Meals at gigs are dependant on whether the church in question has luncheon facilities.
Letter of the week!
This instalment in our highly popular feature 'Letter of the week!' comes from Gary Bulkhead of Loomfip.
Gary asks, 'Hi guys! Great job! Could I ask one of your banding boffins the following?! I'm a cornet player and struggle with quieter top A entries with the note often splitting or not producing. Have you any tips or exercises that you could pass on?'
First of all, great question Gary. This is far more common a problem than you may think. The key to solving this quandary lies within the preparation before the release. Make sure the visqueen is laid tightly against your compacted MOT with all joints in the visqueen taped tightly shut. Last thing you want is air and concrete escaping damaging the integrity of the slab!
Just before you back the wagon in, to release the mix into your shuttered area, make sure there is a clear working area and your poker and tamp are close to hand. Release the concrete and drop in the poker to rid the slab of any air bubbles. Tamp the mix and create whatever finish you like as the concrete goes off! Simple!
Hope this helps!
John Leafblower
2nd Cornet
Blenfield Citadel Band
Gary asks, 'Hi guys! Great job! Could I ask one of your banding boffins the following?! I'm a cornet player and struggle with quieter top A entries with the note often splitting or not producing. Have you any tips or exercises that you could pass on?'
First of all, great question Gary. This is far more common a problem than you may think. The key to solving this quandary lies within the preparation before the release. Make sure the visqueen is laid tightly against your compacted MOT with all joints in the visqueen taped tightly shut. Last thing you want is air and concrete escaping damaging the integrity of the slab!
Just before you back the wagon in, to release the mix into your shuttered area, make sure there is a clear working area and your poker and tamp are close to hand. Release the concrete and drop in the poker to rid the slab of any air bubbles. Tamp the mix and create whatever finish you like as the concrete goes off! Simple!
Hope this helps!
John Leafblower
2nd Cornet
Blenfield Citadel Band
EU Close To Concert Ruling
Brussels bureaucrats are close to laying down new legislation stating exactly what must comprise a brass band concert programme. The EU-wide ruling, due to be ratified next month, will insist that all brass band concerts held within EU member states must comprise:-
(1) Traditional Street March / Overture / Cornet Solo / Potboiler / Horn Solo / Lightweight Finisher
t'Interval (of at least 15 minutes)
(2) Lively Opener / Trombone Solo / Potboiler / Euphonium Solo / Heavyweight Finisher
Bob Carolgees of the UK Brass Band Assembly thinks UK bands have little to fear. "To my knowledge" he said, "every single brass band concert in the UK over the last 150 years or so has taken exactly this format, so there really is nothing for us to worry about".
There are however concerns that Riverdance may be downgraded from Heavyweight Finisher to Potboiler status as part of the proposals. Carolgees said, "There was a six month run within the UK during which every brass band concert held finished with Riverdance. However, under the new rules we are unlikely to see such times again".
(1) Traditional Street March / Overture / Cornet Solo / Potboiler / Horn Solo / Lightweight Finisher
t'Interval (of at least 15 minutes)
(2) Lively Opener / Trombone Solo / Potboiler / Euphonium Solo / Heavyweight Finisher
Bob Carolgees of the UK Brass Band Assembly thinks UK bands have little to fear. "To my knowledge" he said, "every single brass band concert in the UK over the last 150 years or so has taken exactly this format, so there really is nothing for us to worry about".
There are however concerns that Riverdance may be downgraded from Heavyweight Finisher to Potboiler status as part of the proposals. Carolgees said, "There was a six month run within the UK during which every brass band concert held finished with Riverdance. However, under the new rules we are unlikely to see such times again".
Hark At The Racket Latest
The Gay Dragoon (Parkinsons Pottery Works Band)
Let Me Lift Thine Girdle (Stargate Brass '87 - solist Jenny Lazarenko)
Larangitis Lilt (Breancombe Silver Band)
Carnival of Coventry (Muxlow Plantagenet Band - soloist Hector Bream)
Smack My Bitch Up (Crosland Moor Co-Op Band)
Monday, 2 April 2012
Snipes in adjudication row
Wesley Snipes, the celebrated actor and avid brass bander has been red carded as an adjudicator at the up coming Shitfleck Invitational in two weeks time.
Snipes, star of Demolition Man and White Men Can't Jump was told the news on Tuesday. Snipes had this to say, "Apparently, due to my affiliation with Pilmunt Silver Band, I have been asked to step down from judging duties at this contest." Snipes played number two to Elton Welsby for several years at Pilmunt culminating in a third place at the Glumpump Round Robin March and Hymn Tune Contest.
A representative from some banding association had this to say, "Wesley who?"
Snipes, star of Demolition Man and White Men Can't Jump was told the news on Tuesday. Snipes had this to say, "Apparently, due to my affiliation with Pilmunt Silver Band, I have been asked to step down from judging duties at this contest." Snipes played number two to Elton Welsby for several years at Pilmunt culminating in a third place at the Glumpump Round Robin March and Hymn Tune Contest.
A representative from some banding association had this to say, "Wesley who?"
Horsewomb Contest: Retrospective
Sorry folks, no live comments, we got a bit pissed and Denzel Shakeshaft got stuck in the hall when the raffle over-ran. However, Denzel has now prepared a top section retrospective:-
Not many bands in the top section and all pretty much dribblers to some extent. Here are my thoughts on the top three:-
(3) Wankfield Metropolis - Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
Holy Mother of God, shock and awe banding at its most destructive. The MD struggles to control it as it thunders along like a traction engine with faulty brakes. The Devil has possessed it and you wish there was an excorsist in the audience. Most, however, simply look as shocked as those performing. The slow movement has all the lyrical sweetness of an angle grinder before more sledgehammer, in your face, musical unworthiness. That this was allowed to happen is bewildering.
(2) Skelmandale - Can't Remember
This outfit will have eyed the pot of gold today but the wheels have come off. Not so much leaving a door or a window open, this one took out the gable end and left the structure supported by pieces of wood. Some truly turgid dribbling coupled with a lack of sense leaves a huge hole through which another dribbler might tip up and steal the gong. Partially shameful, ultimately forgettable brass banding.
(1) Hard Edge - Chivalry
The piece is Chivalry, or at least an approximation of it. However, there is no code of conduct amongst this dangerously effervescent rabble. The MD fights valiantly enough but 25-odd players have stuck their jousting pole firmly into his shield and knocked him off his horse. It didn't really come near what the composer had intended but for me did just enough. Didn't so much win the day as dribble across the finish line like a premature ejaculation of musical effluent.
Overall the right result for us but the organisers must have wondered whether anyone had actually earned the prize and the cash today. The catering and raffle were also spot on and the beautiful weather made the street march just a little more bearable than it usually is.
Not many bands in the top section and all pretty much dribblers to some extent. Here are my thoughts on the top three:-
(3) Wankfield Metropolis - Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
Holy Mother of God, shock and awe banding at its most destructive. The MD struggles to control it as it thunders along like a traction engine with faulty brakes. The Devil has possessed it and you wish there was an excorsist in the audience. Most, however, simply look as shocked as those performing. The slow movement has all the lyrical sweetness of an angle grinder before more sledgehammer, in your face, musical unworthiness. That this was allowed to happen is bewildering.
(2) Skelmandale - Can't Remember
This outfit will have eyed the pot of gold today but the wheels have come off. Not so much leaving a door or a window open, this one took out the gable end and left the structure supported by pieces of wood. Some truly turgid dribbling coupled with a lack of sense leaves a huge hole through which another dribbler might tip up and steal the gong. Partially shameful, ultimately forgettable brass banding.
(1) Hard Edge - Chivalry
The piece is Chivalry, or at least an approximation of it. However, there is no code of conduct amongst this dangerously effervescent rabble. The MD fights valiantly enough but 25-odd players have stuck their jousting pole firmly into his shield and knocked him off his horse. It didn't really come near what the composer had intended but for me did just enough. Didn't so much win the day as dribble across the finish line like a premature ejaculation of musical effluent.
Overall the right result for us but the organisers must have wondered whether anyone had actually earned the prize and the cash today. The catering and raffle were also spot on and the beautiful weather made the street march just a little more bearable than it usually is.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Horsewomb Contest: Runners & Riders
Unfortunately we don't have the runners and riders for today's Horsewomb Contest because we forgot to ask. However, it is a beautiful morning in the town of Horsewomb and its outlying ditricts and the atmosphere outside the E-Mail public house should be potentially dangerous.
If you are at a loose end do come along. Almost a handful of bands will battle it out across several sections and the top prize will again be the Rod Hull Memorial Shield and £25. Entry to the hall is nobbut a few quid and raffle tickets will be on sale at £1 a strip. There is a meagre and overpriced catering offering as well.
Those who imbibe more than the recommended daily allowance of units of alcohol will have the chance later in the day to barrack members of the competing bands as they line up for the street march, all from the comfort of the pavement outside the pub!
This local get-together faces an uncertain future so do come along to support if you can. The Bandstand team are about to depart armed with 250 miniature scores so we are fully prepared for this own choice potboiler.
If you are at a loose end do come along. Almost a handful of bands will battle it out across several sections and the top prize will again be the Rod Hull Memorial Shield and £25. Entry to the hall is nobbut a few quid and raffle tickets will be on sale at £1 a strip. There is a meagre and overpriced catering offering as well.
Those who imbibe more than the recommended daily allowance of units of alcohol will have the chance later in the day to barrack members of the competing bands as they line up for the street march, all from the comfort of the pavement outside the pub!
This local get-together faces an uncertain future so do come along to support if you can. The Bandstand team are about to depart armed with 250 miniature scores so we are fully prepared for this own choice potboiler.
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