Miriam Hodgkiss, Chairman of the Justly St. Peters Band, has informed us of a theft of instruments.
She explained, "On Friday night, after our rehearsal, which was very successful and sets us up in good stead for our assault on the forthcoming Justly St. Peters Band Slow Melody Contest in the Church Hall, Justly St. Peters, we went for a piss up in our local, the Wild Salmon, Justly St Peters".
"On returning to our vehicles on the Monday morning, we found that a couple of instruments had been stolen."
Miriam said, "Knowing our luck it's probably blacks or gypsies. Or the fucking Irish. Or some Pole or Lithuanian. The fuckers are all over here taking jobs off of white men. They've ruined life in this lovely little English village. I woudn't trust the Chinese either, them at the take-away on the corner are nasty looking bastards".
"I don't like the Pakistani's either but, to be honest, I don't think they'd stoop so low as to nick brass instruments. They're too busy grooming under-age white girls for sex".
When she calmed down Miriam gave details of the instruments they are looking for. Like most bands they have no fucking idea who's got what. The best she could offer was:-
"There's a cornet gone, or we think it's a cornet. It'll be cornet-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two. We think there's also a baritone, it'll be baritone-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two".
"Mind you, there's a family of Jews moved into the Gables last week. I've seen their slitty-eyed littled kids. Maybe it's them what done it. Fucking Jews, you wouldn't trust'em, would you?"
