Eldridge Cudley, the 74-year-old octogenarian who once laiked ten years uninterrupted on top chair with the Claudsmere Carsonegenic Fumes Band in the 1950's-ish and who is now living out his banding retirement in Florida, has called for an end to what he calls brass band "titles".
Cudley, 74, said, "What is it with modern day brass bandsmen and their self-indulgent pats on the back? In my day a doctor would fix your body if it was fucked. He wouldn't stand in front of a band waving a baton about and charge a lot of money for the privilege. A clinician would sort your Prince Albert out for you if you'd copped sex off of a dodgy bird who'd rolled up on a trolley bus from the wrong part of town after a contest and gave you trenchfoot in your bell end!"
"In my day we did a 14-hour shift in the carcenogenic fumes testing booths then went straight to a band rehearsal, not with a doctor or clinician, just with someone who was slightly better at music than us and whose family owned a top hat".
"Young 'uns today, who incidentally have no respect, now fanny about at university all day under a clinician and then go to rehearsal on an evening to be conducted by a doctor. It's an absolute charade!"
"These modern-day 'titled' people haven't survived years of industrial hard labour whilst finding time to conduct a senior and junior band for fuck all whilst coughing up industrial waste, they've just turned up at an over-inflated degree ceremony, wore a funny hat and collected a bit of paper".
"It's a sham, it should be stopped".
