The Bandstand has discovered that German supermodel Claudia Schiffer is to head up a new Brass Band Registration System for England and Wales (not including Scotland who do their own thing).
In a hastily arranged yet still very secretive meeting last night, Schiffer spilt the beans to me and our Malcolm. She arrived looking stunning in a Jeanette Krankie trouser suit, offset with a pair of Darcy Bussell flip flops, you know, those pastel ones that are just so lush! We almost swooned as she plonked her original Maureen Off Of Driving School Handbag on the table in front of us.
Then, with a sharp intake of breath that made her mildly-endowed German breasts heave inside the soft fabric of her silk blouse, she said, "To be honest lads, this whole Registry job is fucked".
Malcolm suffered a bit of trouser dribble.
She went on, "Everybody's up their own arse and nobody will sit down round a table and talk to each other. It's a fucking joke".
"Then last week, I got a call from Claude Barrowclough off of Creampie Productions, them what owns all the contests, and he asked me to head up a new team to relaunch a banding registry run with ruthless German efficiency. I didn't need asking twice! Except I did, 'cos the first time he asked I didn't hear properly, 'cos he was on his mobile and had driven under a bridge or something".
Schiffer's love affair with brass banding began in 2010 at the National Finals at the Kensington Cow Creamery in London. She said, "Before that day I had never heard of brass bands. Then they invaded the quiet little London mews in which I live, at least for some of the time. I had never seen such debauchery, except perhaps on German porn films. I remember I was leaving to go to a photoshoot, they were launching the new Cannon & Ball collection of evening gowns at the Arndale Centre in Manchester and I had a long drive ahead of me. When I walked outside there was a brass band guy pissing up against my Mercedes SLK. I have loved the brass banding movement ever since, and this is my chance to give something back!"
Head of the current English Registry of Bands (Including Wales) which is currently shut down pending someone, somewhere, actually making a fucking decision, Norman Scutcher said "It's a fucking joke. Let's see how she gets on in February when she's being bombarded with calls from bands wanting to get dodgy transfers through for the Areas!"
It should be a cracking long-running saga during which brass banding can't decide what to do because nobody is bothered.
