Hampton Lard, the notoriously obese flugel laiker with the Windermere Colliery Band has announced a major fundraising event.
Lard told the Bandstand, "Many will remember our famous film, 'Fuck Me The Colliery's Flooded' what came out in 1978 and really lifted brass banding into popular culture. There was of course the famous scene where the colliery manager was hung on a gallows made out of the frozen tears of the miners' children".
"To be honest, we have flogged that cow to death for 30 plus years. The audiences are bored, the band is bored. We never made a sequel. That was the real fuck up. The cash has dried up. So many people have raped this cow over the years that the fountain we thought would never run dry is now as dry as a librarian's fanny!"
Last year Lard was diagnosed with being so obese that there is so much fat attached to his rib cage that he simply cannot breathe properly whilst standing up. It's what people who work in or near hospitals call Bone Idle Syndrome. And that gave Hampton his idea!
He exclusively (did we mention this was an exclusive?) told the Bandstand, "I will slowly be lowered onto my back, at which point most of the pressure caused by that excessive fat will be released. The doctors also hope that some of my arteries might actually open up slightly. In this position they hope I can manage 24 hours of breathing normally!"
You can sponsor Hampton's 24 Hour Breathe-a-thon on the Windermere Band website.
