The Ainley Top Bandstand will provide thought provoking, cutting remarks from the 473rd Annual Horsewomb Brass Festival today.
With eight bands spread over two sections, this should prove to be a cracking day.
Saturday 31 March 2012
Tragic Loss For Cruciate Ligament
The Cruciate Ligament (Armfield) Band are in mourning after the tragic loss of a cornet cup mute last weekend.
Cornetist Andy Wisecrack was carrying his cornet, music and a handful of mutes across the road at one of those shit contests where the changing rooms are in a different building to the contest, when tragedy struck. As he was waiting to cross, Andy lost his grip on the cup mute. It fell to the kerb and bounced into the road, where it went under the wheels of the number 217 bus to Wincolmbe Stanley.
Band Manager Larry Leeming said, "We managed to stop traffic and get to the mute as soon as we could, but it was already clear that there was nothing we could do. A number of the band were visibly upset by the horrific scene and we took the instant decision to cancel our performance as a mark of respect."
Band member Will Symptom is to compose a piece in the mute's memory, entitled "It Was the 217 That Sent You To Heaven".
Cornetist Andy Wisecrack was carrying his cornet, music and a handful of mutes across the road at one of those shit contests where the changing rooms are in a different building to the contest, when tragedy struck. As he was waiting to cross, Andy lost his grip on the cup mute. It fell to the kerb and bounced into the road, where it went under the wheels of the number 217 bus to Wincolmbe Stanley.
Band Manager Larry Leeming said, "We managed to stop traffic and get to the mute as soon as we could, but it was already clear that there was nothing we could do. A number of the band were visibly upset by the horrific scene and we took the instant decision to cancel our performance as a mark of respect."
Band member Will Symptom is to compose a piece in the mute's memory, entitled "It Was the 217 That Sent You To Heaven".
Fred Ronson in placing boob
Admiral Fred Ronson, the celebrated radio presenter and banding compere caused quite a stir at the Frampshire Area Contest by placing the favourite, and by far the best band on the day way down the field. Proomersthorpe Colliery have had national fame in the past with numerous contest wins and high profile tours including a three week stay in Chechnya entertaining local farmers.
After making the mistake, the Admiral was typically defiant and stood by his decision, harshly marking various ensembles for uncouth playing and many musical inaccuracies.
It has come to the attention of Th'Ainley Top that Admiral Ronson has contacted Proomersthorpe's band manager, Brian Tarmacadam admitting his placing gaff and offering support despite Proomersthorpe not qualifying for the National Contest in Oswestry since 1927. Admiral Ronson is claimed to have said " I've fucked it cock. I thought you were fucking Skoomandale. Maybe we could discuss this over a Chablis at my Peckham country retreat?"
More to follow.
After making the mistake, the Admiral was typically defiant and stood by his decision, harshly marking various ensembles for uncouth playing and many musical inaccuracies.
It has come to the attention of Th'Ainley Top that Admiral Ronson has contacted Proomersthorpe's band manager, Brian Tarmacadam admitting his placing gaff and offering support despite Proomersthorpe not qualifying for the National Contest in Oswestry since 1927. Admiral Ronson is claimed to have said " I've fucked it cock. I thought you were fucking Skoomandale. Maybe we could discuss this over a Chablis at my Peckham country retreat?"
More to follow.
What a "curry" on!
The Patak's Dopiaza Sauce Band held their annual awards ceremony at the Wounded Goat Inn & Restaurant, Ewesbottom.
Player of the year went to Marianne Marshall, who continues to play tuned percussion despite the loss of both hands in a freak barbecuing accident.
Most promising newcomer went to 17-year-old student Kirsty Cummins, who let three of the lads finger her on the bus back from the Kilnsey Crag Contest.
Musical Director Quinton Fimbey had to pay a fortfeit devised by the band for fluffing his lines introducing one of the pieces at a recent concert. He had to spend the entire duration of the evening with his cock and balls out.
Photographs of the event can be viewed on the band's website, which doesn't exist.
Player of the year went to Marianne Marshall, who continues to play tuned percussion despite the loss of both hands in a freak barbecuing accident.
Most promising newcomer went to 17-year-old student Kirsty Cummins, who let three of the lads finger her on the bus back from the Kilnsey Crag Contest.
Musical Director Quinton Fimbey had to pay a fortfeit devised by the band for fluffing his lines introducing one of the pieces at a recent concert. He had to spend the entire duration of the evening with his cock and balls out.
Photographs of the event can be viewed on the band's website, which doesn't exist.
Advert: Fly-Bi-Nite Band Tours
No flying - a piss up on a ferry followed by a groggy 17-hour coach journey along some of Europe's most congested and misleading roads!
Five days self-catering in a disused army borstal in the Czech Republic!
Two concerts in small churches where a population that fails to understand brass banding simply will not turn up!
One free leisure evening at a local cabbage tasting festival (food and drink not included)!
The same, miserable 17-hour non-stop journey from the borstal across Europe, then over the sea and back to your bandoil!
An astonishing bill that works out at just over £650 per person!
For your free brochure contact Fly-Bi-Nite Band Tours, The Little Office Above the Taxi Rank, Broadway, Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
Friday 30 March 2012
Two-Valve Mavis Hero of Borrowdean!
Borrowdean (Coxy's Coaches) Band faced disaster at a recent concert when a valve on the Eb bass played by Mavis Slugtrail stuck fast halfway down.
Conductor Peter Swann said, "The valve stuck fast halfway down. We couldn't shift it, it had stuck fast halfway down. Then, quick as a flash, Mavis quipped 'Bollocks to it, it's stuck fast halfway down, I'll do the concert with two valves'! Sure enough she made it through the entire concert programme with just two valves working properly!"
The band responded in a fitting way, having the valve removed later by a specialist and turning it into a trophy that now has pride of place on Mavis's sideboard. Mavis said, "It was a tough night but then I had to suck sailors off during the war just to get something warm inside of me. It was that wartime spirit that kept me going".
Conductor Peter Swann said, "The valve stuck fast halfway down. We couldn't shift it, it had stuck fast halfway down. Then, quick as a flash, Mavis quipped 'Bollocks to it, it's stuck fast halfway down, I'll do the concert with two valves'! Sure enough she made it through the entire concert programme with just two valves working properly!"
The band responded in a fitting way, having the valve removed later by a specialist and turning it into a trophy that now has pride of place on Mavis's sideboard. Mavis said, "It was a tough night but then I had to suck sailors off during the war just to get something warm inside of me. It was that wartime spirit that kept me going".
Chertsey Secure New Sponsor
Chertsey Silver Prize Band have announced a new sponsorship deal with Jacksons Fruit & Veg, a shop on Chertsey High Street.
Treasurer Mabel Cummings said, "The deal is worth £1,000 over four years and, in return, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson will receive complimentary tickets for themselves and two VIP's of their choice to our annual Christmas Concert. This funding, used wisely, will secure the short-term future of the band. However, we'll probably blow the lot buying some decent players in to try and win the next contest".
Mr. Jackson said, "I know nothing about brass bands. Some of them get their veg at our shop and they kept nagging me. I only paid up to get them off my back. To be honest we're not that bothered about the free tickets and will probably just stick them on ebay".
Treasurer Mabel Cummings said, "The deal is worth £1,000 over four years and, in return, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson will receive complimentary tickets for themselves and two VIP's of their choice to our annual Christmas Concert. This funding, used wisely, will secure the short-term future of the band. However, we'll probably blow the lot buying some decent players in to try and win the next contest".
Mr. Jackson said, "I know nothing about brass bands. Some of them get their veg at our shop and they kept nagging me. I only paid up to get them off my back. To be honest we're not that bothered about the free tickets and will probably just stick them on ebay".
It's Gregorovich Work For Isle of Arran!
Organisers of the Isle of Arran Open have announced that the music of Gregor Gregorovich has been chosen as this year's set work. The former Royal Guernsey School of Music pupil's "All the Fishes In the Breathless Sea of Wonderment on the Dark Side of the Universe Where Dolphins Swim" is one that is certain to test the bands.
Promoter Hamish McSweeney said, "The Isle of Arran Open goes from strength to strength and the selection of this notoriously fiendish work will provide a worthy test. All the Fishes in the Breathless Sea of Wonderment on the Dark Side of the Universe Where Dolphins Swim has some proper twattish bits in it and soprano and trombone soloists are certain to be shitting themselves at the prospect".
The contest takes place on Saturday 16th June in the garden of Willie McBride's crofter's cottage. Entry forms can be obtained from Hamish McSweeney, 1 The Road, Isle of Arran. The prize fund currently totals £40 and there will be a raffle and a performance by a dancing bear before the results are announced.
Promoter Hamish McSweeney said, "The Isle of Arran Open goes from strength to strength and the selection of this notoriously fiendish work will provide a worthy test. All the Fishes in the Breathless Sea of Wonderment on the Dark Side of the Universe Where Dolphins Swim has some proper twattish bits in it and soprano and trombone soloists are certain to be shitting themselves at the prospect".
The contest takes place on Saturday 16th June in the garden of Willie McBride's crofter's cottage. Entry forms can be obtained from Hamish McSweeney, 1 The Road, Isle of Arran. The prize fund currently totals £40 and there will be a raffle and a performance by a dancing bear before the results are announced.
Masterclass: Tyson Fringley - Warm Up Techniques
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"Warming up correctly is vitally important. I start gentle with some long, low notes. Maybe a bottom A, or sometimes a bottom A-flat. After that I do a few scales. I like C-major 'cos its the first one I learnt and it doesn't have any of those funny notes in it. Then, if I've time, 'cos sometimes I'm late to band, I'll do a few lip slurs. That's sort of like playing different notes but your valves aren't moving. I have to do them nice and slow but my teacher says that's good. Sometimes I'll play a high note, like a top G. That one's really hard. Then I blow my water out whilst waggling my valves furiously, plant my feet firmly on the floor and just go for it! Good luck".
More invaluable advice from a different guest next time.
Portishangar Strengthen Ranks
The Portishangar Potteries (Oswestry) Band have added new players to the ranks ahead of their assault on the Hereford Entertainment Contest at the Joe Pasquale Aquadrome, Hereford on Sunday 29th April.
Joining on cornet and bass respectively are husband and wife team Nigel and Lucy Blackwatch, who join from the Branston Pickles Band.
Musical Director Arthur Lattimer said, "Nigel and Lucy are fabulous players and add yet more strength in depth to our young and dynamic team. I look forward to overseeing their personal development, especially Lucy, who has a cracking pair of tits".
Joining on cornet and bass respectively are husband and wife team Nigel and Lucy Blackwatch, who join from the Branston Pickles Band.
Musical Director Arthur Lattimer said, "Nigel and Lucy are fabulous players and add yet more strength in depth to our young and dynamic team. I look forward to overseeing their personal development, especially Lucy, who has a cracking pair of tits".
Thursday 29 March 2012
Tinchy, Tinchy, Lied, 'er....
Beckersdale Embalming Band are coming to terms with having to cancel the biggest concert of their year so far. For Beckersdale were due to take the stage last Saturday with none other than rap sensation Tinchy Stryder.
Chairman Remington Tweed said, "The band were to open with the usual march, overture, cornet solo sort of stuff. Then Tinchy was to come on and perform some of his hits, including Gangsta and Never Leave You. However, he simply didn't show."
Remington explained, "We hit on the idea at a committee meeting. Full of excitement I texted Tinchy to confirm the venue and time, what we expected him to sing and that there was £100 waiting for him in used notes. I never heard anything back but just assumed he was busy with other things and that we would see him on the night. For him simply not to turn up is shameful".
Several people who had believed the advert in Thursday night's Beckersdale Echo and bought tickets at £4.00 each were left disappointed. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Remington explained, "For those who bought tickets and were left disappointed I can only apologise. However, they are welcome to bring those tickets along to our concert on Saturday 25th August at Beckersdale Cathedral and gain free entry. We will be joined by soul legend Aretha Franklin and a second half talk on stamp collecting will be given jointly by Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama".
Chairman Remington Tweed said, "The band were to open with the usual march, overture, cornet solo sort of stuff. Then Tinchy was to come on and perform some of his hits, including Gangsta and Never Leave You. However, he simply didn't show."
Remington explained, "We hit on the idea at a committee meeting. Full of excitement I texted Tinchy to confirm the venue and time, what we expected him to sing and that there was £100 waiting for him in used notes. I never heard anything back but just assumed he was busy with other things and that we would see him on the night. For him simply not to turn up is shameful".
Several people who had believed the advert in Thursday night's Beckersdale Echo and bought tickets at £4.00 each were left disappointed. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Remington explained, "For those who bought tickets and were left disappointed I can only apologise. However, they are welcome to bring those tickets along to our concert on Saturday 25th August at Beckersdale Cathedral and gain free entry. We will be joined by soul legend Aretha Franklin and a second half talk on stamp collecting will be given jointly by Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama".
Scarborough Fair?...
Plans are afoot to relaunch one of the most celebrated days in the banding calendar, the Scarborough Open. The contest started in 1742 but was cancelled after the 1987 event when a fight outside the Lame Lamb public house resulted in the death of a baritone player from Snibsford Concert Band.
The man behind the ambitious project is local councillor and brass band fanatic Trevor Dunce. Trevor told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Plans are well underway to relaunch this firm favourite amongst banding folk. The tragic events of 1987 are behind us now and the Council is slowly coming round to the idea. I have already secured an area next to the traffic lights at the end of Gisbourne Road where the contest might take place".
The event may have to rely on local support such as that offered by Ray Warriner of Ray's Fishing Tackle, who said, "I have known Trevor for 18 months and his enthusiasm for brass bands is legendary. To relaunch the Scarborough Open would be a massive boost to tourism in the area and hopefully bring in a few more amateur fishermen. Okay, that guy got killed but let's move on. I've put up £50 towards prize money and my brother has a marquee we can erect alongside the traffic lights so the bands don't get pissed on if it rains. The message is, full steam ahead Scarborough!"
Lady Mayoress Marjorie Claghorn added, "Scarborough is a lovely little part of the world. It is full of quaint little novelty shops where you can buy inflatable animals upon which your children can be swept out into the North Sea. I would urge local businesses to get behind this idea and bring the fun back to the town!"
The man behind the ambitious project is local councillor and brass band fanatic Trevor Dunce. Trevor told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Plans are well underway to relaunch this firm favourite amongst banding folk. The tragic events of 1987 are behind us now and the Council is slowly coming round to the idea. I have already secured an area next to the traffic lights at the end of Gisbourne Road where the contest might take place".
The event may have to rely on local support such as that offered by Ray Warriner of Ray's Fishing Tackle, who said, "I have known Trevor for 18 months and his enthusiasm for brass bands is legendary. To relaunch the Scarborough Open would be a massive boost to tourism in the area and hopefully bring in a few more amateur fishermen. Okay, that guy got killed but let's move on. I've put up £50 towards prize money and my brother has a marquee we can erect alongside the traffic lights so the bands don't get pissed on if it rains. The message is, full steam ahead Scarborough!"
Lady Mayoress Marjorie Claghorn added, "Scarborough is a lovely little part of the world. It is full of quaint little novelty shops where you can buy inflatable animals upon which your children can be swept out into the North Sea. I would urge local businesses to get behind this idea and bring the fun back to the town!"
Professional Card: Gerald Pottingshed
Gerald Pottingshed was born in Clayton-le-Moors and began playing the cornet at the age of 27 with the Chubstone Invicta Band. He was quickly found out and ended up on BBb bass. During this time he studied under the tutelage of Leyton Regis MBE and accepted the position of Principal Tuba with the Pangthorpe Lions Charity Wind Orchestra.
He is well respected as a band trainer and conductor throughout the Chubstone area and has conducted such bands as the Mackeson Stout Band (with whom he came runner up at the 2001 Cubley Brass Festival), the Charnworth (Potters Paints) Band and the Chorlton-le-Dale Ironworks Band.
Basically he can't get any work and is sat at home most evenings twiddling his thumbs. He is nobbut £30 a rehearsal (£50 if you're sponsored), so give him a call on Chubstone 87341.
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Death of Lt. Col. Norbert Golightly
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Lt. Col. Norbert Golightly, Director of Music with the Poulton-le-Fylde Dragoons Band. He was well known within brass band circles for his work with the St. Anne's Hospital Band, including directing the now legendary performance of "Celtic Fireworks" that gained a creditable 5th place at the Morecambe Invitational Contest in 1982.
He died of asphyxiation in a prostitute's bedsit on Tuesday evening and leaves a widow, Betty.
He died of asphyxiation in a prostitute's bedsit on Tuesday evening and leaves a widow, Betty.
McBride To Be - Solo Champion!
The Papua New Guinea Open Solo Championship has been won by 13-year-old Brabinger McBride. Trailing in second place after the set work "None Shall Finger Thee", McBride produced an astounding performance of own choice "Chase My Whispers" to finish up the clear winner.
Adjudicator Robert Siggis MBE described McBride's own choice showing as "...at times dangerously sentimental with just the right balance of assured dribbling and edge-of-the-seat calamity".
McBride returns to his home in Falkirk £50 better off (excluding air fares) and proud holder of the Port Moresby Town Council Challenge Trophy.
Adjudicator Robert Siggis MBE described McBride's own choice showing as "...at times dangerously sentimental with just the right balance of assured dribbling and edge-of-the-seat calamity".
McBride returns to his home in Falkirk £50 better off (excluding air fares) and proud holder of the Port Moresby Town Council Challenge Trophy.
Hark At The Racket Latest
Monty Fanshawe has announced details of his "Hark At The Racket" brass band radio show on Radio Diggle (43-45FM) this Friday at 9.00pm. The varied half hour show will include:-
The Gay Bombardier (Charring Cross Citadel Band)
Pretty Petticoits (Mustoe Wurlitzer Brass Band - soloist Alan Claphorn)
Sniffling Piglets (Bicester Excelsior Band)
Part Thee Thine Flange (Emley Potatoe Works Band - soloist Guntly Swallow)
Waltz Die Wanken Poopen (HMP Armley Band)
A Surrey Symphony (Surrey Schools Youth Band)
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Benson "Ole!" for Matador
Euphonium stalwart Charlie Benson has announced a collaboration with new Spanish brass instrument manufacturer Matador. Benson told the Bandstand, "I am pleased to announce that I have accepted the kind invitation to become the UK face of Matador Brass Instruments. Lots of exciting times lay ahead for both parties, including the design and subsequent UK launch of their new 'Picador' 4-valve self-compensating bombardon".
He added, "Since 2009, when UK-based Quigleys Brass Instruments folded, I've missed the few grand a year extra I get paid for fannying about with this sort of stuff. With the wife wanting a new caravan this deal has come just at the right time".
Matador instruments will be aimed at the budget end and the Ainley Top Bandstand hopes to have a list of UK suppliers in the near future.
He added, "Since 2009, when UK-based Quigleys Brass Instruments folded, I've missed the few grand a year extra I get paid for fannying about with this sort of stuff. With the wife wanting a new caravan this deal has come just at the right time".
Matador instruments will be aimed at the budget end and the Ainley Top Bandstand hopes to have a list of UK suppliers in the near future.
Scalby Departs Laisterdike
Renton Scalby has informed the Ainley Top Bandstand that he has parted company with Laisterdike Temperance Band after almost ten years at the helm. Scalby, speaking from the tap room of his local pub, said, "The bastards have sacked me. Honest, Derek, I've been shafted. Get this up before they get in touch with some shit about me stepping down due to work commitments. Ten years I gave 'em, ten f****** years".
Just before going to press Paul Wickham-Wanderer, President of the band, informed us, "Laisterdike Temperance are sad to announce that they have parted company with MD Renton Scalby. Renton has found it difficult to balance increasing work commitments with preparation with this forward-looking organisation. Regretfully we have accepted his resignation and wish him all the best for the future".
Laisterdike Temperance are inviting applications for the vacant MD post and the new man (or woman, I suppose, these days) at the helm will prepare them for their forthcoming assault on the Tockhampton (Winnets Agricultural Feed Merchants) Entertainment Contest in May. Contact Paul Wickham-Wanderer in confidence on 09776 384939.
Just before going to press Paul Wickham-Wanderer, President of the band, informed us, "Laisterdike Temperance are sad to announce that they have parted company with MD Renton Scalby. Renton has found it difficult to balance increasing work commitments with preparation with this forward-looking organisation. Regretfully we have accepted his resignation and wish him all the best for the future".
Laisterdike Temperance are inviting applications for the vacant MD post and the new man (or woman, I suppose, these days) at the helm will prepare them for their forthcoming assault on the Tockhampton (Winnets Agricultural Feed Merchants) Entertainment Contest in May. Contact Paul Wickham-Wanderer in confidence on 09776 384939.
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