Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Bands In Terror Threat

A British intelligence agent has highlighted an incredible Al Qaeda plot to attack next year’s Area contests. Seen as a pillar of western society, brass banding is apparently now at risk of attack from fundamentalists.

Undercover MI6 agent codename “Beavertail”, but who we know better as Chris Shatliffe of 52 Wormald Crescent, Wetwang, said, “Intelligence suggests Al Qaeda are planning to attack one of the Area contests next year. On my first day at work last week they showed me where my desk was, where the bogs were and how to work the photocopier. Then they made me sign the Official Secrets Act. I intend to resign in the near future so I can write a no holds barred book and earn some wonga, but for now I can’t say a right lot. However, I felt that the brass band movement should be warned”.

Chris has specific advice for different Area contests as follows:-

North East (Alert Code: Green) – “This is the land that time forgot, full of defunct pit villages where there’s nowt but a corner shop selling strong cider, tobacco and Pot Noodles. As a result the risk is relatively low, but there is some chance of potential prank calls to contest organisers and minor vandalism of band coaches outside the venue”.

Yorkshire (Alert Code: Topaz) – “Some risk of an attack on catering, possibly including removing the fuse from the plug on the cooker or spitting in the mushy peas. Roller skates and/or marbles may be left on the staircases”.

Midlands (Alert Code: Tangerine) – “There is a risk of aspirin added to drinks in the bar area to try to make players a bit woozy and some possibility of incorrect signage being placed pointing the wrong way to registration”.

London & Southern Counties (Alert Code: Crimson) – “Al Qaeda would love to strike in the capital. Players wishing to take a bottle of water on stage will be forced to drink some in front of officials to prove it ain’t poison or summat. There is also a risk of kidnap of flugel horn players”.

Chris added, “I advise band members to remain vigilant and report anything suspicious to contest control”.