A British intelligence agent has highlighted an incredible Al Qaeda plot to attack next year’s Area contests. Seen as a pillar of western society, brass banding is apparently now at risk of attack from fundamentalists.
MI6 agent codename “Beavertail”, but who we know better as Chris Shatliffe of
52 Wormald Crescent, Wetwang, said, “Intelligence suggests Al Qaeda are
planning to attack one of the Area contests next year. On my first day at work
last week they showed me where my desk was, where the bogs were and how to work
the photocopier. Then they made me sign the Official Secrets Act. I intend to
resign in the near future so I can write a no holds barred book and earn some
wonga, but for now I can’t say a right lot. However, I felt that the brass band
movement should be warned”.
has specific advice for different Area contests as follows:-
East (Alert Code: Green) – “This is the land that time forgot, full of defunct
pit villages where there’s nowt but a corner shop selling strong cider, tobacco
and Pot Noodles. As a result the risk is relatively low, but there is some
chance of potential prank calls to contest organisers and minor vandalism of
band coaches outside the venue”.
(Alert Code: Topaz) – “Some risk of an attack on catering, possibly including
removing the fuse from the plug on the cooker or spitting in the mushy peas.
Roller skates and/or marbles may be left on the staircases”.
(Alert Code: Tangerine) – “There is a risk of aspirin added to drinks in the
bar area to try to make players a bit woozy and some possibility of incorrect
signage being placed pointing the wrong way to registration”.
& Southern Counties (Alert Code: Crimson) – “Al Qaeda would love to strike
in the capital. Players wishing to take a bottle of water on stage will be
forced to drink some in front of officials to prove it ain’t poison or summat.
There is also a risk of kidnap of flugel horn players”.
added, “I advise band members to remain vigilant and report anything suspicious
to contest control”.