Lance Cummerbund, the well-loved banding lothario, has released his autobiography called “I Shagged ‘Em All” about his contesting sexual conquests. Cummerbund, a heavy drinker, has made his way through numerous plumpers, lumps, mullucks and trollops for no reason other than to pour his seed into one of their orifices.
Cummerbund told the Ainley Top Bandstand, “I’m glad the book has come to fruition, ‘cos I’ve had some shockers, let me tell you. There was this bird from Laidlaw’s Carpets Band, I did ‘er at Pontins. She was huge, her waist was ten times as wide as her head. She was sat in the buff on the end of the bed. I lifted her tit off her knee so as I could suck her nipple, but when I lifted it up there was woodlice crawling out from under her tit”.
“There was this other bird I did, a big lass from Pondukes Printers Band, I tried to rim her but when I pulled her arse cheeks apart there was all moss and stuff growing in there. She told me she never washed round the back ‘cos she was too fat to reach. I had to move a piece of bracken out the way to slip into ‘er back door”.
“I suppose the worst, aside from that 13-year-old at the Redcar Eisteddford that was never proven in court, was that big lass from Aubermuchty Brass that I did behind the bins at that contest at the Kajagoogoo Leisure Centre in Knutsford. No word of a lie, she had a snail in her belly button. Seriously, I was licking the top of her bush and a snail pops out of her belly button”.
“Mind you, there was that lass from the Branstons Pickles Band that had maggots in her fanny. Apparently she’d got so fat that her blood couldn’t circulate to the end of her labia so it had all died off and the bluebottles had laid eggs in it and stuff. That was a smell I’ll never forget!”
Cummerbund’s book “I Shagged ‘Em All” is available now priced £9.99.