Organisers of next year's Cuntlins Holiday Camp Contest have announced that the Chumbley Bumblers are to appear live on stage on the Saturday night.
The contest takes place at the Cuntlins holiday camp at Weston-St-Saviour over the last weekend in January (or is it the first weekend in February? Malcolm, have we checked this, and are we supposed to be going? I think I might have a family christening on, depending exactly when it is?)
The Chumbley Bumblers is a performance arts group made up of players from the Cowersley Junior Light Wind and Brass Ensemble. I've had neither the time nor the inclination to read the bumph I was sent, but apparently they're some of these young, up-and-coming brass players who are not content to sit down and play Black & White Minstrels any more like in the old days. Instead they want to push the boundaries and, ultimately, audition for Cowersleys Got Talent, a local talent contest to be held at the Blind Jew public house in Cowersley next summer.
Cuntlins ambassor-in-chief, Lady Jane Browning said, "We have a full day of brass banding on the Saturday, then another full day of brass banding on the Sunday. What's not to like? Apart from brass banding! In between, we like to offer a little light relief to brass banders! Ooh, stop it you naughty boy!"
It would be rude of me to say what happened next, but she offered to suck both me and Malcolm off behind the tea urn. She even offered to take her teeth out first.
Anyway, apparently there will be a proper sort of brass band contest on the Saturday and then, on the Sunday, the pick of the bunch will take part in an Entertainments Contest. You know, one of those things with no rules or guidelines that most brass bands misjudge badly because they don't know what's actually funny?
Lady Jane said, "I'll swallow the lot an'all. Right down. I might gargle with it a bit for you. Anyway, as I was saying, Sunday's entertainment...er...thing, will be judged by our own Brown Coats, or, as I call them, my special boys".
When we pointed out the potential pitfalls of such an arrangement with a brass band movement that is still bewildered by the concept of entertaining people, Lady Jane said, "Our brown coats are tuned in to the requirements of brass band adjudication. These aren't just a bunch of hormonal guys in their early twenties who were chucked off a holiday rep course in Ibiza for constantly being pissed and having sex with 16 year old girls! Well, actually, I suppose they are..."
It should be a cracking contest! (Whenever it is, Malcolm, please do check!)
