Friday 28 September 2012

Puntlins Schedule Announced

Puntlins Holiday Camps have announced the schedule of events to take place at the Festival of Brass at their flagship resort at Frogmorton-on-Sea at the end of January. We don't know the exact date because Malcolm forgot to write it down.

However, aside from contests across five sections and a prize fund totalling £48.50, Puntlins Director of Trying To Fill Our Holiday Camps Out of Season, Jeremy Noonday-Gunn, said, "We are fast establishing ourselves as another brass band contest on the calendar and, although we understand little of the strange world of brass bands, it does give us a chance to fill the camp for a weekend at a time when otherwise it would be lying empty".

An excited Jeremy confirmed exclusively to the Bandstand that the Puntlins festival weekend will include:-

  • Several men having sex with people other than their current wives or girlfriends.
  • Several women having sex with each other.
  • Expensive alcohol.
  • Numerous young girls taking photos of each other pissed up and sticking their tongues out and/or grasping their breasts in a comical fashion, that they will subsequently post on popular social networking sites.
  • Several Wankers Section Bands rolling up in sweatshirts with their nicknames printed on the back.
  • A Saturday night free show including some, or all, or possibly none of The Chuckle Brothers, Joe Longthorne, Cannon & Ball, that bloke with the green duck, Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin (all subject to availability).
  • A misguided young man posting inappropriate twits on tweeter and the Old Bill getting involved.
  • A possible rape trial.
It should be a cracking contest! Oh shit, Malcolm, we forgot to ask him when it was!