Monday 10 September 2012

Hunt is on for Yorkshire contest sex pest

This is the man Police are looking for after a string of sexual assaults on young women at the recent Peejam's Pyjamas Contest at the Aye Up Lad Leisure Centre in Barnsley, Yorkshire. The pest, nicknamed by Police as the Rotherham Recluse, are keen to catch him, what with him being a criminal and all that.

He is being hunted on two charges of Innapropriate Fingering Whilst Inebriated and one more serious charge of Knowingly Pinning A Minor Up Against the Side of a Wheelie Bin With Malice Aforethought to Place Fingers Within Her Girdle.

Detective Inspector Kestrel Whippet of the Barnsley & Rotherham Brass Band Paedophile Task Force said, "We have no descriptions of the man involved. However, this being Yorkshire, tha' knows, we assume he will be an older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap".

That gave the Task Force quite a headache! Kestrel Whippet explained, "Our problem now is that all bands in Yorkshire have someone like this connected with them. Either a committee member, someone who sells tickets at concerts or, in extreme cases, musical director".

"So far, nine Yorkshire bands have come forward and we have been able to rule their older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap out of our enquiries. Mostly due to the fact that they were actually pidgeon fancying at the time of the crimes".

When we asked about the possibility of ground-breaking DNA testing, Kestrel Whippet said, "This is Yorkshire lad, we all have the same DNA! Hard graft, a passion for cricket, a love for the family, a nine day week down t'pit followed by a Sunday roast wi' all t'family, and a need to breed whippets. Tha knows!"

All Yorkshire bands are asked to send forward their own older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap in order that he, or indeed she, can be ruled out of enquiries.

If you know something, call Yorkshire Crimestoppers on Mixenden 732.