Thursday, 27 September 2012
Death of Orkney Band Legend!
Murdo McGool, the father of brass banding in the Orkney Islands, has died after a short fight with a stepladder.
His bereaved widow Lady Morag McGool said, "He climbed the step ladder, I told him not to do it, then he fell off and died. The irony is we have little men down in the village, mostly Irish or transient workers from Eastern Europe, who would of come and done it for him. But he wouldn't be told and now he is dead and I get everything, in a sad way."
McGool set up the first ever Orkney Invitational Contest on the islands and was the first to insist on proper registration. He is credited with being the first to introduce that rule that brass players, who love to warm up, simply won't be allowed to warm up. He famously said, "Make sure backstage they don't blow a fucking note. Not even put a bit of warm air through their instruments. My father abused me as a child and now I will take it out on the brass band movement. If one of them so much as puts his lips near the mouthpiece you will shout "shh! no warming up. This is the only celebration of our art form and you will not even be allowed to do that properly."
Malcolm, did you ever see Murdo McGool? It looks like you've Googled a picture of Sigmund Freud. We're gonna be fucked if his family find out.
Bainbridge Takes Leightonstone Horn Section!
Notoriously buxom flugel laiker Chesty Bainbridge is the new horn section at the Leightonstone Leaflet Folders Band.
Band Manager Michael Gladfowl said, "Chesty is a super player, to have her within our ranks is an honour. And those tits, fuck me! Sadly we've had to sack two horn players because she needs somewhere to rest her tits at rehearsals, and there simply isn't room. However, it does mean that we can now play seven on the front row, and with Gordon Gracenote's fiendishly cornet-heavy Extreme Similarities probably being chosen for next year's Area contest, it could be a blessing in disguise!"
The Band's Uniform Distribution Executive Carol Makepeace said, "I'm fucked! Do I order a huge jacket with interwoven scaffolding that will fit her tits in or a large pair of trousers that she can tuck them into? Either way, the blokes in the band haven't looked past the size of her tits, it's cost us a horn section!"
Musical Director Paul Peaches said, "Working with Chesty has been fantastic, she has enormous tits! Musically it is a challenge, we have lost a horn section, apparently, and working out where Chesty's upper arm finishes and her tit starts is a bit of a conundrum. However, we will get there, so I say watch out all you other bands at our local Area contest who don't have a flugel player with tits like space hoppers!"
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has announced an absolute Jemima's Gymkana of a swashbuckling assortment on his frankly over-rated radio show on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30:-
March: The Ambitious Leiutenant (The Peevestone Ploughs Band)
Overture: Le Carte d'Or (The Minton & Cribley Insoles Band)
The Flirtatious Stepdaughter (Gannymede Pillows Band - soloist Claude Barrowcombe)
I'm Up For Bum Fun (Clydesdale Cow Creamer Band)
Throttle The Bitch (Daisy Fuckglove & Her Orchestra)
Abused At A Catholic Wedding (MacNamara's Provocative Marching Band)
Take Me Simply Midst The Snowdrops (The Gainly Vipers Band - soloist Meryl Lestrange)
Pit's Shut (The Massed Bands of Most Collieries)
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Return of Drunk Man At a Contest!
Due to popular demand we have re-secured the services of Charlie Gutbucket, our Drunk Man At A Contest. To be honest, whilst we're waxing lyrical about the upper end of brass banding, we need someone to trawl the sewer. Only two people looked at this blog last month, so we obviously need to raise our game in the Wankers Section.
So what better way to start than today's 5th Section National Final at the Captain Mainwaring Multiplex Theatre, Trowbridge. Charlie Reports:-
I rolled up somewhere in the back of beyond. The word in the foyer was that the Torbay Tutenkhamen Band would win it outright but there was some sly betting on The Glamston Castle Cafeteria Band to provide a possible comeuppance.
I wasn't let into the hall, apparently I smelled of shit and was carrying a half-drunk bottle of cheap sherry. Determined, I managed to hear all the bands from the fire escape.
After the results I set off in determined fashion off of the fire escape to find out what the results were. I found several members of the Macy Grey Colliery Band celebrating in the bar. They had won it against all odds.
I tried to interview their young euphonium player Emma Stanhope, but she saw piss running through my sandals all over the floor. Yes, I pissed myself in front of her, but I'd been busting for a while.
WDMAITCAMWB Call It A Day!
The We Don't Manufacture Anything In This Country Any More Works Band has finally called it a day.
President Laithe Turner-Steeplejack said, "At one time this factory would be alive to the sound of people making cars, fighter planes, heavy bombers, steam engines and do-it-yourself abortion kits for young ladies who had been knocked up by someone below their social standing. Now, the factory is finally silent. It is a sad day".
The news will come as a body blow to any supporters of the band who are still alive, many of whom will remember their famous triple hat-trick of doubles at the Brindley Big Shield Contest in the 1940's, 50's and 60's.
Yet there is hope that the famous old bandroom will survive. Local property developer Clyde Dainty said, "It is a well known fact that there isn't enough housing for young professional couples who work in a call centre all day. These stinking old factories where people used to do a proper job are a blot on the landscape. However, we hope to turn the site into 2,873 apartments for call centre workers. It is likely we will retain the famous old bandroom, at least initially, until we get planning permission".
Dunston Miners Gala Success
The
Bandstand has been informed that the Dunston Miners Gala has taken place today
and was a wholehearted success.
For
those who don’t know, the event takes place in and around the town of Dunston,
in the northeast of England, which is that bit above Scotch Corner where the
rest of us dump our nuclear waste.
The
event has a serious side. Those who are still standing after a breakfast of
heavy drinking will follow the route that the old pit ponies took before they
closed all the collieries. But, however they dress it up, the day is less about
history and more about getting pissed.
Secretary
Mary Tweed said, “This is a celebration of our mining heritage. However, you
won’t attract the average brass band up here on that premise. What you need to
do is promise them a very heavy all-day drinking session. As Kevin Costner once
said in Field of Dreams (or at least I think that’s right)...”If you build it,
they will come”.
As
celebrated historian David Carkeys said, “These northeast pit villages have,
for hundreds of years, been the domain of the vagrant, the vagabond, the
ne’er-do-well and the miscreant. This land is now the home of the teenage
single mother, wheeling a pushchair that was rescued from a skip whilst
drinking cheap cider from a can, the stomping ground of the burnt out car left
in a primary school playground and the Bermuda Triangle of the permanently
washed up and bone idle”.
Social
commentator Hector Hydrangea once said, “That people in the 19th
Century lived in such squalor in these northeast pit villages is beyond belief.
The fact that they still live in such squalor there now is testament to their
ability to live in squalor generation after generation.”
Most
importantly, we have lost Malcolm. He was up there following the Netherton
Nuclear Fuels Band. We thought we’d stir up the apple cart and follow a band
sponsored by nuclear fuels to a celebration of coal mining in an attempt to
drum up followers through the ensuing controversy. However, the last we heard
Malcolm was on the quayside in Newcastle waiting for a taxi.
Monday, 17 September 2012
Marsalis Misses Pops Sprog
Morbidly obese Chinese trumpet star Wan Ton Marsalis has toasted the arrival of his first child, Tuk Tuk.
Wan Ton, who is currently in London laiking with the Putney Symphony Orchestra, said, "Tuk Tuk arrive bang on time but weigh in at 2 stone 5 pound. Wife was fucked, they had to cut him out of sunroof, Mr. Malcolm, sir".
Monday, 10 September 2012
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Old friend Monty Fanshawe has announced a covenantor's creme brulee of brass band dingly danglings this Friday at 9.30pm on Radio Diggle. The tumescent tom-titterings include:-
March: The Dirty Jap (Dermot O'Leary's Big Brother's Little Brother Band)
Whisperin' Hindus (Per-du-Laid Yoghurt Band)
Time o' th' Month (The Band of the Friezland Fiddlers - soloist Emma Wetflap)
Proceed To The Station Platform (Langthwaite Macey Grey Band)
Tickle Me Whispers (The Massed Bands of the Arndale Artillery)
Mountain Bikin' (The Band of the Hollyoaks Hussars)
I Lay Down and Finger Myself On the Promenade (Otis Redding Band - soloist Mboto Kekwe)
That Same Old Finisher (Band of the Brown Bensons)
Jerome nails photo
Jerome Monsignor, the famous Midlands-based musical director, brass band technician and clinician has nailed what he believes the perfect pose for a professional card.
Jerome told the Bandstand, "Most of us are fucking useless. We will be found out eventually. So if you are going to market yourself to gullible brass bands you have to have the pose!"
"Whilst talking to the photographer working with me on my latest PR shots, we decided to go for the lustful longing of a man who has just had a stroke and as a consequence is now mentally ill whilst firing a bow and arrow at the moon".
"I think it is the best pose yet for a PR advert. Years ago I would do these things sat outside some nondescript hall in southern England with my hand resting nonchalantly on my chin with my baton fully extended. Not any more, this is the future!"
Hunt is on for Yorkshire contest sex pest
He is being hunted on two charges of Innapropriate Fingering Whilst Inebriated and one more serious charge of Knowingly Pinning A Minor Up Against the Side of a Wheelie Bin With Malice Aforethought to Place Fingers Within Her Girdle.
Detective Inspector Kestrel Whippet of the Barnsley & Rotherham Brass Band Paedophile Task Force said, "We have no descriptions of the man involved. However, this being Yorkshire, tha' knows, we assume he will be an older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap".
That gave the Task Force quite a headache! Kestrel Whippet explained, "Our problem now is that all bands in Yorkshire have someone like this connected with them. Either a committee member, someone who sells tickets at concerts or, in extreme cases, musical director".
"So far, nine Yorkshire bands have come forward and we have been able to rule their older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap out of our enquiries. Mostly due to the fact that they were actually pidgeon fancying at the time of the crimes".
When we asked about the possibility of ground-breaking DNA testing, Kestrel Whippet said, "This is Yorkshire lad, we all have the same DNA! Hard graft, a passion for cricket, a love for the family, a nine day week down t'pit followed by a Sunday roast wi' all t'family, and a need to breed whippets. Tha knows!"
All Yorkshire bands are asked to send forward their own older man, possibly with a sunken face, wearing glasses and a flat cap in order that he, or indeed she, can be ruled out of enquiries.
If you know something, call Yorkshire Crimestoppers on Mixenden 732.
Afghan Trouser Aid Gathers Momentum!
Afghan Trouser Aid, the brass band's answer to the problems faced by trouser-wearing people in that country, is gathering pace.
The charity is the brainchild of 19 year old Emily Samsung, who plays with the Bostock Rawlplugs Band. Emily told the Bandstand, "When I was young I had a hamster what died. I was so overcome I grew into a very sensitive and caring young woman. Me and my mum was watching a documentary on Afghanistan and couldn't help but notice that their trousers were so dirty. When I looked on the internet I saw it was because we had bombed all their homes, hospitals, bingo clubs and disabled drop in centres!"
"Enough was enough! I got in touch with my Uni friends and they were all up for doing something. We have arranged a series of brass band concerts to raise money to buy clean trousers to fly out to Afghanistan".
The first concert in the series is on Saturday (obviously!, these are students, they won't turn out on a Sunday!) the 6th October at the Afghani Workers Club in Pickering at 7.30pm.
Emily said, "We want as many people there as possible. You can find us on Twitbook if you use the proper hash tag. If you have an old pair of trousers you can bring to donate that would be, like, so cool!"
Despite several attempts at dialling random phone numbers, we have been unable to be connected to anyone in Afghanistan to see if clean trousers is really what they need. Probably because all the phone lines are down, what with all the bombing and wars and stuff.
Anyway, do what you can.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Tuppery Take Open Title!
The Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band under musical director Brian Expensive have taken today's Flingthorpe Open title with an immense performance that we thought would be third.
As the band celebrated on stage, conductor Brian Expensive spoke to them via live video link from his private golf course in Portugal to which he had flown as soon as he left the stage. He was smoking a huge cigar and appeared to be stroking his cock in an arrogant yet strangely erotic way.
Tuppery band manager Clinton Hammer said, "This is unbelievable. Brian demanded and the band responded. Now we can bombard social networking sites with individual photographs of ourselves and our children holding this famous old trophy!"
Snapping at their heels were Belgian (we think, it is still to be confirmed) champion Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps. Yorkshire powerhouse Emley Potatoe Works Band had to be content with third place and MD Geoff Largely said, "Congratulations to Tuppery but it really is a fucking carve up this one".
Full results:-
1. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
2. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
3. Empley Potatoe Works Band **
4. Staveley Scout Band
5. St. Derek's
6. Cobalt Brass '85
7. Chubley Invicta
8. Snetterton Silver
9. Oxton Brass
10. Mingthwaite Conquistador *
* justifiably relegated to the Crown Derby Teapot Contest after a woeful performance
** are fucking fuming at this result
Winner of the Sammy Winward Off Of Emmerdale Statuette For Least Romantic Solo was Brian Bubbles, soprano cornet with Tuppery.
Flingthorpe Open - Live Comments
1. Cobalt Brass '85
Assured start but ensemble is loose as a Bangladeshi's bowels in places. Impressive musical statements though to lead into the euphonium cadenza, which is delivered with limited panache. Slow movement meanders unmovingly until disaster strikes, as the solo trombone players slide falls out with a real clatter during the subdued timpani rumblings. A decent marker this one, but will struggle to hold its own as the day wears on.
2. Oxton Brass
Hell's teeth this is a bad start. Sloppy ensemble coupled with intonation that would make a boy band blush leads tragically into a lamentably woeful slow movement. Band and conductor look uncomfortable in each other's presence, like they met for the first time this morning. Second baritone player looks to have a cracking pair of tits though, but that's about it. A rancid, vomit-belching showing that has relegation written all over it. Sad.
3. Chubley Invicta
Oh my God, this lot have those frosted silver basses, we never even knew they still existed. It sets off like a train but quickly becomes derailed and the detail is as woolly as a sheep's hat. Euphonium cadenza breaks down and the player is clearly heard to say "for fuck's sake". Audience gasps. Heads go down and this one is now adrift like a Greek ferry with a fucked engine. Closing passages run out of steam and the MD makes a hasty exit, leaving the principal cornet to stand the band up to nothing but a polite ripple of applause with one or two jeers chucked in.
4. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
We thought they were Swiss but the bloke next to us has just told us they are Belgian, so we've had to hurriedly re-visit our racialist anecdotes and bin the cracking cuckoo clock gags we had planned. Klaus Reinhardt takes us on an adventure of Tin Tin proportions (was he Belgian, we think so?) This is so beautifully shaped and with immense personal contributions. As sweet as a Belgian bun yet as dark as Poirot having a wank with a pair of Miss Lemon's soiled panties over his head. Outright leader for us so far.
5. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Sweet mother of Mary, what a huge ice cream cone of sound. Clarity is immense, the tempo is left to tease us like a dangling carrot. This is top drawer playing. Euphonium tackles the cadenza with such a dextrous level of musical tomswoopery and gliss-tastical understatement that the half-packed hall have to catch their breath. The ending is relentless, like a crazed sex fiend repeatedly hitting a prostitute in a dark timber yard. The hall erupts. We have a bit of cum in our pants.
Halfway point:-
Is there anything more meaningless than making a prediction half way through? All we can say is that all the bands so far are in our top five, but how many will stay there and in what order? We're off for a pint and a piss, will see you for the back half.
6. Staveley Scout Band
The reigning champions have to follow two immense performances and this is a valiant effort. The young girl playing the solo on spoons delivers it with particular aplomb. Portrays a sense of understated glam rock with a slightly melancholy demeanour. One or two individual errors (the repiano cornet player, for example, has just made a right cunt of himself) will cost though. Not quite good enough to retain the title in our humble opinion.
7. Snetterton Silver
Back in the big time after success in May led to promotion, but this lot appear to be as out of place as a child molester at a christening. We think the soprano player has fainted. Second cornet continues playing with one hand whilst using the other to beckon frantically for a paramedic. No, he's okay, his eyes have opened, the crowd gasp. This is painful stuff, like having to shit a three metre length of barbed wire. Right down in the cess pit for us.
8. Emley Potatoe Works Band
It takes a full 17 minutes just for this lot to set up. They swagger with an undeniable arrogance that has the hall in raptures of circumspecture. This is a dark one, sinful and brooding like an old slag. The power is tremendable, like a two foot vibrator powered by its own generator. They are gunning for it, but one or two individual slips could prove costly. We end with yet another 17 minutes of applause, the audience love it but will the judges?
9. Mingthwaite Conquistador
This lot look as frightened as an 8 year old girl as her creepy step uncle slides into bed with her. They are as out of their depth as a midget in the deep end. MD thrashes and flails like he's having a fit, but there is no stopping this runaway steam roller as it trundles towards the inevitability of relegation. We thought they might be shit today, we had no idea it would be this bad. There is a slight smattering of applause as the MD looks to the heavens as if to say "why me?" Truly lamentable.
10. St. Derek's
Last band on and many in the audience are now visibly drunk. There are one or two wolf whistles as big-titted MD Rosemary Chubb takes to the stage, she responds with a knowing wink and a wiggle of that immense busom. We are nursing a semi. It is not half bad, if a little insecure like a Trebor mint balanced on top of a candle. We are captivated by the way Rosemary's tight skirt pulls across her rumbunctious buttocks hinting a faint whiff of visible panty line. In the mix but no winner.
ATB predictions:-
It has been a day of ups and downs, at times the loafers were highly polished but at others there was some dogshit on the sole. We haven't got a fucking clue but we'll have a wild stab in the dark and say that the johnny foreigners have fucked this pig. Closely followed by the two English powerhouses:-
1. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
2. Empley Potatoe Works Band
3. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Could be in the frame if there's a fuck up in the box: St. Derek's
Probably fucked: Mingthwaite Conquistador
Assured start but ensemble is loose as a Bangladeshi's bowels in places. Impressive musical statements though to lead into the euphonium cadenza, which is delivered with limited panache. Slow movement meanders unmovingly until disaster strikes, as the solo trombone players slide falls out with a real clatter during the subdued timpani rumblings. A decent marker this one, but will struggle to hold its own as the day wears on.
2. Oxton Brass
Hell's teeth this is a bad start. Sloppy ensemble coupled with intonation that would make a boy band blush leads tragically into a lamentably woeful slow movement. Band and conductor look uncomfortable in each other's presence, like they met for the first time this morning. Second baritone player looks to have a cracking pair of tits though, but that's about it. A rancid, vomit-belching showing that has relegation written all over it. Sad.
3. Chubley Invicta
Oh my God, this lot have those frosted silver basses, we never even knew they still existed. It sets off like a train but quickly becomes derailed and the detail is as woolly as a sheep's hat. Euphonium cadenza breaks down and the player is clearly heard to say "for fuck's sake". Audience gasps. Heads go down and this one is now adrift like a Greek ferry with a fucked engine. Closing passages run out of steam and the MD makes a hasty exit, leaving the principal cornet to stand the band up to nothing but a polite ripple of applause with one or two jeers chucked in.
4. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
We thought they were Swiss but the bloke next to us has just told us they are Belgian, so we've had to hurriedly re-visit our racialist anecdotes and bin the cracking cuckoo clock gags we had planned. Klaus Reinhardt takes us on an adventure of Tin Tin proportions (was he Belgian, we think so?) This is so beautifully shaped and with immense personal contributions. As sweet as a Belgian bun yet as dark as Poirot having a wank with a pair of Miss Lemon's soiled panties over his head. Outright leader for us so far.
5. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Sweet mother of Mary, what a huge ice cream cone of sound. Clarity is immense, the tempo is left to tease us like a dangling carrot. This is top drawer playing. Euphonium tackles the cadenza with such a dextrous level of musical tomswoopery and gliss-tastical understatement that the half-packed hall have to catch their breath. The ending is relentless, like a crazed sex fiend repeatedly hitting a prostitute in a dark timber yard. The hall erupts. We have a bit of cum in our pants.
Halfway point:-
Is there anything more meaningless than making a prediction half way through? All we can say is that all the bands so far are in our top five, but how many will stay there and in what order? We're off for a pint and a piss, will see you for the back half.
6. Staveley Scout Band
The reigning champions have to follow two immense performances and this is a valiant effort. The young girl playing the solo on spoons delivers it with particular aplomb. Portrays a sense of understated glam rock with a slightly melancholy demeanour. One or two individual errors (the repiano cornet player, for example, has just made a right cunt of himself) will cost though. Not quite good enough to retain the title in our humble opinion.
7. Snetterton Silver
Back in the big time after success in May led to promotion, but this lot appear to be as out of place as a child molester at a christening. We think the soprano player has fainted. Second cornet continues playing with one hand whilst using the other to beckon frantically for a paramedic. No, he's okay, his eyes have opened, the crowd gasp. This is painful stuff, like having to shit a three metre length of barbed wire. Right down in the cess pit for us.
8. Emley Potatoe Works Band
It takes a full 17 minutes just for this lot to set up. They swagger with an undeniable arrogance that has the hall in raptures of circumspecture. This is a dark one, sinful and brooding like an old slag. The power is tremendable, like a two foot vibrator powered by its own generator. They are gunning for it, but one or two individual slips could prove costly. We end with yet another 17 minutes of applause, the audience love it but will the judges?
9. Mingthwaite Conquistador
This lot look as frightened as an 8 year old girl as her creepy step uncle slides into bed with her. They are as out of their depth as a midget in the deep end. MD thrashes and flails like he's having a fit, but there is no stopping this runaway steam roller as it trundles towards the inevitability of relegation. We thought they might be shit today, we had no idea it would be this bad. There is a slight smattering of applause as the MD looks to the heavens as if to say "why me?" Truly lamentable.
10. St. Derek's
Last band on and many in the audience are now visibly drunk. There are one or two wolf whistles as big-titted MD Rosemary Chubb takes to the stage, she responds with a knowing wink and a wiggle of that immense busom. We are nursing a semi. It is not half bad, if a little insecure like a Trebor mint balanced on top of a candle. We are captivated by the way Rosemary's tight skirt pulls across her rumbunctious buttocks hinting a faint whiff of visible panty line. In the mix but no winner.
ATB predictions:-
It has been a day of ups and downs, at times the loafers were highly polished but at others there was some dogshit on the sole. We haven't got a fucking clue but we'll have a wild stab in the dark and say that the johnny foreigners have fucked this pig. Closely followed by the two English powerhouses:-
1. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
2. Empley Potatoe Works Band
3. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Could be in the frame if there's a fuck up in the box: St. Derek's
Probably fucked: Mingthwaite Conquistador
Friday, 7 September 2012
Radio: Fenton Dooby
Fenton Dooby has a cavalcade of brass banding blandness this Sunday at 4pm on Radio Linthwaite. The show will include:-
The Shit Tumbler (Pay As You View Band)
Approach of the Jews (The Safeway Morrisons Band)
Underneath a Moonlit Lampost (Osaka Brass - soloist Akemi Hotaka)
Bum Chum Boulevard (Midlife Fanfare Band)
My Fanny Is Spread (Fentons Turkey Giblets Band - soloist Lionel Crisp)
Hey Nonny Nonny (The Windermere Colliery Band)
Big Sam (The Shrewsbury Batteries Band)
Flingthorpe Open - Runners & Riders
All eyes are on Flingthorpe-on-Sea this coming Sunday for the 279th Flingthorpe Open, where ten of the country's top bands will compete for the coveted title at the Cannon & Ball Leisure Centre.
This year's set work is Clive Rathbone's fiendishly difficult "Whoops Britannia", which will surely see players and conductors alike prove themselves on one of the biggest stages in Flingthorpe. Come what may, one thing is for sure. Whoever is holding that famous old cup on Sunday evening will have truly earned the title!
Here's our lowdown on the runners and riders:-
Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
Conductor: Klaus Reinhardt
Controversy surrounds the first ever invitation to a band from foreign shores and much has been discussed. However, the reigning Dr. Oetke Champions with the excellently dark and depraved Klaus Reinhardt in charge should announce their arrival with a bang.
Chubley Invicta
Conductor: Maurice Bedspring
Chubley have established themselves at the contest with a number of middle-of-the-road, peas-in-a-pod performances over recent years. They will hope to raise their game this time and go that step further.
Cobalt Brass '95
Conductor: Pricksome Velvet IV
Having flattered to deceive at recent contests many feel this outfit is a sleeping giant and that this could finally be their year. With a knowledgable captain like Pricksome at the helm they are sure to provide a solid performance, unless they shit themselves again..
Emley Potatoe Works Band
Conductor: Geoff Largely
The Yorkshire powerhouse last won the title in 1987 and will be more anxious than ever to end the agonising wait to get that trophy back in that famous old Yorkshire bandroom. With new faces around the stand and the freshly appointed Geoff Largely to guide, much interest will surround this one.
Mingthwaite Conquistador
Conductor: Stan Ottoway
Dribbling away in the dregs at the last two contests, Mingthwaite will have to pull out all the stops just to ensure survival. Relegation threatens but Stan Ottoway is an experienced campaigner and will use his limited resources to the full.
Oxton Brass
Conductor: Larry Poindexter
This southern outfit have failed to hold their own against their northern counterparts, but everybody knows that bands down south are shit. It could be curtains for them this time unless they can pull off the great escape. The recent signing of talented Carston Webley on principal cornet from local rivals Zone Two Brass may be enough to steady the ship though.
St. Derek's
Conductor: Rosemary Chubb
The surprise package at last year's contest with a creditable 3rd place, this lot should be snapping at the heels of the big boys once more. Heavily chested MD Rosemary Chubb will undoubtedly produce one of the finest sights of the day again if she chooses another low cut blouse for stage that makes her tits proper jiggle whilst she is wagging.
Snetterton Silver
Conductor: Clint Highway
Snetterton make a welcome return to the contest having won promotion with a fine showing at the Crown Derby Teapot Contest in May. With that kind of momentum behind them they will look to avoid the kind of hapless performance that got them relegated in the first place.
Staveley Scout Band
Conductor: Lee Crupps
The reigning champions snatched the title under a cloud last year with rumours of a registration irregularity. However, now the Registry is fucked they should have no such problems this time around. They have enough about them to win it again, as do most of the others.
Tuppery & Sneedsdale
Conductor: Brian Expensive
Reliable corner men and a sound like a traffic cone, Tuppery should be right up there come Sunday evening. Nobody can argue with Brian Expensive's pedigree and he will look eagerly to adding this title to the other ones he has.
ATB prediction:-
No idea, we make it up as we go along. Anyway, here goes...
1. Tuppery & Sneedsdale
2. Emley Potatoe Works Band
3. Brass Band Bonkikonken Buglekorps
Patronising them 'cos they're probably shit but we might say they'll come in the frame band: St. Derek's
Fucked (i.e. about to be relegated): Mingthwaite Conquistador
Pink Ladies "Fannying" About!
The Pink Ladies have informed the Bandstand that they are ready to raise money for a well known fanny charity!
The newly formed group of rather unattractive and oddly built women from the West Midlands aim to promote several of their own concerts to raise much-needed money for Flap Cancer Awareness.
Organiser Mary Steinway said, "Last year my sister Mungo was diagnosed with flap cancer. Us girls who play for various bands throughout the West Midlands decided that we could use our hobby to do something positive".
"The boot is definitely on the other foot now! For years brass bands have refused female members, now we have formed one that won't allow men!" she added, pointlessly, probably whilst daydreaming about shoes and handbags.
Their inaugural concert will take place at well known lesbian bar The Vagina Diner in Dudley on this coming Thursday at 8.00pm. Tickets nobbut £4.50 on the door.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Radio: Hark At The Racket
More brass band misdemeanors followed by community service are offered by Monty Fanshawe this Friday (Malcolm, is that not today, already?) on Diggle FM at 9.30pm.
This week's show features:-
The Vaginal Douche (The Maybe It's Maybelline Band)
Boots Up Side Your Head (The Crossply Radial Band)
Don't Spit It Out (Hardraw Scar Band - soloist Gemma Lovesperm)
Incidental Bollocks (Tjoernby Haestovein Mussiklag)
Fragrant Breasts (Grimsby Go And Watch Judge Dredd in 3D Band)
My Step-Uncle Abused Me As A Child (Ottoway Velvet Band - soloist Patsy Parminger)
Patchwork Quilt (The Band of the Rawcliffe Rifles)
New "Lampstand" for Neot St. Maggots!
Laughton Lampstand has been appointed the new Musical Director of the Neot St. Maggots (The Lady Loves Milk Tray) Band.
Band spokesperson Mary Nameless said, "Laughton has been on our radar for some time, ever since he took Pegborough (Nine Bob Note) Band to victory at the Shep Off Of Blue Peter Memorial Contest at the Snibston Aerodrome. We fucking hate Pegborough, so to finally secure his services is a right one in the eye for them fuckers. Not only that but he's bringing some of their players with him! Fuck you, Pegborough!"
Lampstand told the Bandstand, "I know this move will be controversial, but I wish my old band, Pegborough, all the best for the future. Even though I'm taking half their players with me!"
Lampstand will be straight in to action, hurriedly preparing the band for a meaningless contest this weekend that they have no chance of winning.
Chumbley Bumblers at Cuntlins!
Organisers of next year's Cuntlins Holiday Camp Contest have announced that the Chumbley Bumblers are to appear live on stage on the Saturday night.
The contest takes place at the Cuntlins holiday camp at Weston-St-Saviour over the last weekend in January (or is it the first weekend in February? Malcolm, have we checked this, and are we supposed to be going? I think I might have a family christening on, depending exactly when it is?)
The Chumbley Bumblers is a performance arts group made up of players from the Cowersley Junior Light Wind and Brass Ensemble. I've had neither the time nor the inclination to read the bumph I was sent, but apparently they're some of these young, up-and-coming brass players who are not content to sit down and play Black & White Minstrels any more like in the old days. Instead they want to push the boundaries and, ultimately, audition for Cowersleys Got Talent, a local talent contest to be held at the Blind Jew public house in Cowersley next summer.
Cuntlins ambassor-in-chief, Lady Jane Browning said, "We have a full day of brass banding on the Saturday, then another full day of brass banding on the Sunday. What's not to like? Apart from brass banding! In between, we like to offer a little light relief to brass banders! Ooh, stop it you naughty boy!"
It would be rude of me to say what happened next, but she offered to suck both me and Malcolm off behind the tea urn. She even offered to take her teeth out first.
Anyway, apparently there will be a proper sort of brass band contest on the Saturday and then, on the Sunday, the pick of the bunch will take part in an Entertainments Contest. You know, one of those things with no rules or guidelines that most brass bands misjudge badly because they don't know what's actually funny?
Lady Jane said, "I'll swallow the lot an'all. Right down. I might gargle with it a bit for you. Anyway, as I was saying, Sunday's entertainment...er...thing, will be judged by our own Brown Coats, or, as I call them, my special boys".
When we pointed out the potential pitfalls of such an arrangement with a brass band movement that is still bewildered by the concept of entertaining people, Lady Jane said, "Our brown coats are tuned in to the requirements of brass band adjudication. These aren't just a bunch of hormonal guys in their early twenties who were chucked off a holiday rep course in Ibiza for constantly being pissed and having sex with 16 year old girls! Well, actually, I suppose they are..."
It should be a cracking contest! (Whenever it is, Malcolm, please do check!)
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Stanton: Let's Talk About Me
Major General Fred Stanton has regaled us with another extract from his book, "Let's Talk About Me!"
He's left it for a week or two to see how the book sells and it isn't, frankly. Stanton told the Bandstand, "The book is not doing as well as I would have hoped. Maybe it's down to snobbery on my part, the fact that I live with my cello-playing wife in a beautiful part of the Cotswolds whilst still having the little pad in Kingston-upon-Thames where we stay for our London gigs."
"Maybe in the days of the credit crunch and working class foreigners springing up everywhere I misjudged my obvious gloating! Now I aim to set the record straight with this tale of the most humble time in my life, still included in my book, Let's Talk About Me! priced anything from £19.99 in bookshops to £1.99 at petrol stations!"
"I was walking home one night through the back streets of London with my wife, a fine cello player. We had crossed Knightsbridge quite successfully and turned off into one of the lesser known areas. As we stumbled along the pavement a tramp came into view. My wife said, 'Kick him in the face and move on'.
"I remembered my roots, for I was brought up within a very middle class family not far from a working class pit area where dirty, ill-educated children played for the local colliery band. It would be some years before selfless determination saw me finally conduct this riff-raff at a proper contest. But that is for Chapter 15!"
"Anyway, as we passed this tramp I noticed he was whistling the theme from Grimaldi's first symphony. The motifs were clear and resonant in the cold London air".
"I did a quick about turn more suited to the parade ground, in so doing leaving my fine, cello-playing wife suddenly without escort. She looked suitably shocked and gazed at me across that few yards that had now become a chasm in London's dirty old streets."
"I said to the tramp 'You know Grimaldi?' He said, 'I am Sir Norbert Horbinger. I conducted the finest performance of Grimaldi the Albert Hall has ever seen!'
"Anyway, I gave him 10p for a cup of tea. And, sometimes, just sometimes, my fine, cello-playing wife and I pop Grimaldi on the stereo, look out of our London flat and watch Horbinger begging in the street. Then we sit down and she pours me a glass of claret whilst I light a cigar and think, that night on the cold, dark streets of London, I really gave something back!"
Radio: Fenton Dooby
Fenton Dooby announces a break away for this Sunday's show at 4pm on Radio Linthwaite, as it will be presented for the first time by his twin sisters Arabella and Spartacus.
The show will feature:-
The Brash Brigadier (Kenco Coffee Band)
Overture: The Careless Concubine (Grayson's Goose Pimples Band)
The Weighty Slag (Ashdown Creameries Band - soloist Netty Granger)
Should I Put a Finger In? (Llanpopwei Silver Band)
The Butcher, He Is Out of Sausages (The Band of the Garforth Grenadiers)
Tok Pepwe Alimatu (Carnforth Concert Band - soloist Jade Fairfax)
The Procession of the Pies (Feelgood Factor Brass)
Splitarse Speaks
Maureen Splitarse has spoken to the Ainley Top Bandstand about her controversial appointment as the first bird to be accepted by the Barnstorm & Rangsfeld Band.
Maureen said, "I am a splitarse and proud of it. I have a fanny and a pair of tits, through which it would be possible to give birth to a child and then feed it!"
"We women can sort it all out for ourselves, except for the spunk up the fanny bit at the start what needs a bloke to get you pregnant, but aside from that, we can do it sisters!"
We then suggested another scenario to Maureen whereby she would gobble us off and let us spit our creamy bonanza into her mouth before she spat it down onto her gaping "thronghold" and suck it all up inside her using her pelvic floor muscles and stuff, so giving birth to a child, eventually.
Maureen said, "That might work!"
Monday, 27 August 2012
Watkins To Make a Pudding of Himself!
Malcolm, can we sort this photo out? Which one is Remmy Watkins? I think it might be the guy holding the trumpet, seeing as how he's a trumpet player and all that. But it could also be the bloke at the front if he's giving that fat one a lesson or something. Have either of us ever met him? - Ed.
Legendary trumpet soloist, technician, clinician and bullshitter Remmy Watkins has taken the conductor's job at the Bromsgrove Black Puddings Band.
Watkins told the Bandstand, "I am very excited at this appointment. The age of the players at my disposal ranges from 12 to 67, enabling me to spin you some bullshit about having a youthful team that is also balanced with maturity and experience".
"We also have a diverse range of accountants, solicitors and people who work in call centres. Plus the younger ones who want to go to music college and become teachers. It's safe to say I will have to try and align all their personal expectations up with my own before our full-fronted blitzkrieg at the second section of the Bryan Adams (Everything I Do I Do It For You) March Contest next month.
Figgis Pushes Boundaries!
Trombone creep Lester Figgis is pushing the boundaries of the instrument!
Figgis told the Bandstand, "In my constant quest to push the boundaries of the trombone I am constantly trying to play higher, lower, louder and softer than anyone else ever! You can think of me as a sort of Neil Armstrong crossed with Stephen Hawking with a trombone!"
When pressed by the Bandstand, Figgis later admitted that he sometimes lies in bed alone and touches himself whilst thinking about Kate Garraway off of early morning telly.
Barnstorm Sign Splitarse!
The Barnstorm & Rangsfeld Band have announced the signing of a splitarse on second baritone!
Maureen Axewound, aged 56 and a bit, is the first woman with a vagina and tits and all that to put pen to paper and sign on the dotted line!
Band president Michael Mobile said, "In all the history of the band we have never had a player with a fanny. You know, one of them who misses rehearsals 'cos she's a bit temperamental 'cos it's all rag week and stuff and she's bleeding into her knickers, or 'cos she's got a migraine 'cos Andy Murray got knocked out of Wimbledon or Chip and Fez have split up on Coronation Street!"
"Anyway, we've signed a player with a clitoris, deal with it, get over it, let's all move on".
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe is offering a veritable salamander of slop this Friday at 9.30 on Diggle FM.
March: Did You Just Touch My Mother (The Leonard Rossiter Band)
Overture: The Holy Pigeon (The Band of the Rawcliffe Rifles)
Go On, Get One Out (Clemsdyke Colliery Band - soloist Mason Whoresbreath)
She Swore She Was Sixteen (Guiseppe Verdi Conservatories Band)
Centrifugal Force (The Band of the Royal and Ancients)
Ethel, My Piles Are Smarting (Roehampton Milliners Band - soloist Katy Comeuppance)
Wham, Bang Thank You Ma'am (Duxford Aerodrome Band)
Cockstride Opens Doors
Nobbut three and a bit year old cornet prodigy Carson Cockstride has announced an open rehearsal ahead of his assault on the forthcoming Fenwick's Lampshades Slow Melody Contest at the Brian Off Of Big Brother Assembly Rooms, Longsholton.
The rehearsal takes place this coming Thursday in his mum's kitchen at number 19 Purvis Terrace, Emmental and commences at 7.30pm on the dot. Entry is free.
Co-op Entertainment Boost
The Co-Operative (Bag For Life) Band have won the William Wallace International Brass Band Eisteddfod at the Steve Stone Arts Centre, Llantunbridge Wells despite the fire alarm going off half way through!
Musical director Simon Shadwell said, "The fire alarm went off half way through!"
"However, fans of the band should relax! It was all planned! We were playing my new composition, 'Fire, Fire' which requires the fire alarm in the hall turning on deliberately!"
Audience members were, however, confused and many valiantly trampled weaker people into the carpet as they fled the hall in a blind panic. By the time the encore, "Watch Me Undress", started there were only three people listening.
However, two of them were the adjudicators, and they gave the band a big thumbs up.
Co-Operative (Bag For Life) Band Chairman Maurice McCloud said, "This sets us up nicely for our maximum attack on the British Light Featherweight Title in Darrowby St. Claire next weekend!"
Musical director Simon Shadwell said, "The fire alarm went off half way through!"
"However, fans of the band should relax! It was all planned! We were playing my new composition, 'Fire, Fire' which requires the fire alarm in the hall turning on deliberately!"
Audience members were, however, confused and many valiantly trampled weaker people into the carpet as they fled the hall in a blind panic. By the time the encore, "Watch Me Undress", started there were only three people listening.
However, two of them were the adjudicators, and they gave the band a big thumbs up.
Co-Operative (Bag For Life) Band Chairman Maurice McCloud said, "This sets us up nicely for our maximum attack on the British Light Featherweight Title in Darrowby St. Claire next weekend!"
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Beige Held On Two Counts Of Murder
Dull as ditchwater euphonium laiker Gary Beige has been held on two counts of murder!
No, not really, we're only joking. It's one of those things we brass banding news sites do from time to time where we chuck a startling headline at you but, crucially, with an exclamation mark at the end, then you read it and it turns out to be a load of the same old shit after all.
Anyway, Beige rang us while we were having our tea last Thursday and said, "It's true, I'm up on two counts of murder! Just to be sure, you will put an exclamation mark after murder won't you, only it's not the same over the phone? I haven't actually murdered anyone, I just want to drum up some more publicity for myself".
"First off, I've murdered my relationship with Yamamuchi Instruments! They've provided me with a new instrument regularly over the last four years and, in return, I've preached to gullible, middle class students with parents that have more money than sense, that they are simply the best in the world. However, the firm has gone bust".
"This came as a blow, not just to me but my army of followers on Twitter. My euphoniums take some real hammer, touring the world doing recitals and stuff, being chucked about by baggage handlers. If I didn't get a new one for free every so often the whole Gary Beige bubble might burst!"
"Thankfully, I'm now in discussion with two prominent euphonium manufacturers. I don't know who makes the best one but I'll just hang on and see who offers the most money".
"Secondly, I've murdered my girlfriend (well, not literally, but I have dumped her, by text message!) To be honest, as the foremost young exponent of the euphonium, I'm constantly surrounded by nubile young teenage girls with pert breasts. I just got bored of this one and decided to move on. Thankfully it's not quite as distressing as changing mouthpieces! However, I do need to get in touch with her so I can go round and collect the signed photos of me she put up in her parent's living room".
No, not really, we're only joking. It's one of those things we brass banding news sites do from time to time where we chuck a startling headline at you but, crucially, with an exclamation mark at the end, then you read it and it turns out to be a load of the same old shit after all.
Anyway, Beige rang us while we were having our tea last Thursday and said, "It's true, I'm up on two counts of murder! Just to be sure, you will put an exclamation mark after murder won't you, only it's not the same over the phone? I haven't actually murdered anyone, I just want to drum up some more publicity for myself".
"First off, I've murdered my relationship with Yamamuchi Instruments! They've provided me with a new instrument regularly over the last four years and, in return, I've preached to gullible, middle class students with parents that have more money than sense, that they are simply the best in the world. However, the firm has gone bust".
"This came as a blow, not just to me but my army of followers on Twitter. My euphoniums take some real hammer, touring the world doing recitals and stuff, being chucked about by baggage handlers. If I didn't get a new one for free every so often the whole Gary Beige bubble might burst!"
"Thankfully, I'm now in discussion with two prominent euphonium manufacturers. I don't know who makes the best one but I'll just hang on and see who offers the most money".
"Secondly, I've murdered my girlfriend (well, not literally, but I have dumped her, by text message!) To be honest, as the foremost young exponent of the euphonium, I'm constantly surrounded by nubile young teenage girls with pert breasts. I just got bored of this one and decided to move on. Thankfully it's not quite as distressing as changing mouthpieces! However, I do need to get in touch with her so I can go round and collect the signed photos of me she put up in her parent's living room".
Death of Gordon Stingray
The Bandstand has been informed of the death of Gordon Stingray.
Stingray died of a heart attack on Tuesday after being arrested by police whilst rubbing his own faeces onto the chest of a prostitute on wasteland opposite the Perry Como Industrial Estate in Felix St. Judes.
He is (sorry, was) best known as musical director of the Laura Ashley Curtains Band during their heyday in the 1980's when they won the Peeves Purviss Open not once, but twice.
He leaves a widow Joan, a daughter Karen (aged 48 but still with a nice pair of tits, you'd probably fuck her), and several heavy debts.
A spokesman for the Laura Ashley Carpets Band said, "Gordon who?..."
Stingray died of a heart attack on Tuesday after being arrested by police whilst rubbing his own faeces onto the chest of a prostitute on wasteland opposite the Perry Como Industrial Estate in Felix St. Judes.
He is (sorry, was) best known as musical director of the Laura Ashley Curtains Band during their heyday in the 1980's when they won the Peeves Purviss Open not once, but twice.
He leaves a widow Joan, a daughter Karen (aged 48 but still with a nice pair of tits, you'd probably fuck her), and several heavy debts.
A spokesman for the Laura Ashley Carpets Band said, "Gordon who?..."
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has more timid offerings if you have nothing better to at 9pm this coming Friday than sit around a radiogram in your parlour and tune in to Diggle FM. His limp-wristed offerings this week are:-
March: The Mischievous Sambo (Croxteth Clearwater Brass)
Overture: Die Fuckenpumper (The Band of the Hampshire Horse Guards)
Warn Me When You're Gonna Cum I Don't Want It In My Mouth (Portsmouth Hullaballoo Band - soloist Cheryl Crimper)
Ode To Guntley Browncrack (Slimsdyke Capers Band)
Set The Bitch On Fire (Frampton Fire Service Band)
Not Whilst My Mother's Asleep Next Door (The Ray Mears Band - soloist Wendy O'Hara)
Great Gate of Kettering (Kettering Carpets Band)
Vendetta Chosen For Baxters
A new set work called Vendetta has been chosen for this year's Baxters Soup Contest on the pavement outside Blockbusters in Chapel Risley on Sunday 7th October.
The piece is the brain child of talented young composer Lacey Pingpong, who said, "I've always been enthralled by the James Bond movies. Not the shit ones with Roger Moore, but the good ones with Shaun Connery in".
"Anyway, all the modern Bond films seem to have him not just saving the world single-handedly but also everybody being worried about him going off on some sort of personal vendetta. I think the whole thing started in Goldeneye but it definitely also happened in all the ones with the new guy in it. You know, him out of Layer Cake?"
The piece has three movements, Man With The Golden Gun Bossa Nova, Moneypenny's Silk Purse and Moonraker's Moondance.
Tickets are priced at £18 but, to be honest, if you're on the pavement outside Blockbusters in Chapel Risley on 7th October you can probably just hang around and listen for nowt.
It should be a cracking contest!
The piece is the brain child of talented young composer Lacey Pingpong, who said, "I've always been enthralled by the James Bond movies. Not the shit ones with Roger Moore, but the good ones with Shaun Connery in".
"Anyway, all the modern Bond films seem to have him not just saving the world single-handedly but also everybody being worried about him going off on some sort of personal vendetta. I think the whole thing started in Goldeneye but it definitely also happened in all the ones with the new guy in it. You know, him out of Layer Cake?"
The piece has three movements, Man With The Golden Gun Bossa Nova, Moneypenny's Silk Purse and Moonraker's Moondance.
Tickets are priced at £18 but, to be honest, if you're on the pavement outside Blockbusters in Chapel Risley on 7th October you can probably just hang around and listen for nowt.
It should be a cracking contest!
Bagley Recuperating After Stubbed Toe
Euphonium legend Bovington Bagley is recuperating at home after a stubbed toe.
Bagley told the Bandstand, "On Wednesday I got up in the middle of the night for a piss. I do it all the time now, the bladder isn't what it was. Anyway, I couldn't be arsed switching the kitchen light on and stubbed my toe on a chair leg".
Sadly it means that Bagley's recital at the Church of St. Melvyn the Martar, Bishopstweeding next Friday, has been cancelled. Bagley said, "It's a real shame. I was going to perform Blaydon Races on this old Cockerton & Hemingway 4-Valve Growl Engine that I bought off of Ebay and refurbished. Sadly it looks like it won't go ahead".
Bagley told the Bandstand, "On Wednesday I got up in the middle of the night for a piss. I do it all the time now, the bladder isn't what it was. Anyway, I couldn't be arsed switching the kitchen light on and stubbed my toe on a chair leg".
Sadly it means that Bagley's recital at the Church of St. Melvyn the Martar, Bishopstweeding next Friday, has been cancelled. Bagley said, "It's a real shame. I was going to perform Blaydon Races on this old Cockerton & Hemingway 4-Valve Growl Engine that I bought off of Ebay and refurbished. Sadly it looks like it won't go ahead".
Turton Slow Melody A Fucking Shambles
The Turton (Sharon Is Back On Eastenders) Band's recent Annual Slow Melody Contest has been described as "a fucking shambles".
Secretary Janet Sweephole gave the honest assessment after a disastrous day at the Joe Longthorne Leisure Centre. Janet told the bandstand, "It was a fucking shambles. We spent £120 booking the Guinevere Suite and another £100 on adjudicator Byron Sharples MBE. Then only one lad turned up, and he was shit. There were only two people listening and one of those was the adjudicator, who had to be there. I think the other one was that shit lad's mum".
Asked if next year's event would be doubtful, Janet said, "Not at all. Byron is booked again and that shit lad who waltzed off with all the trophies and £200 in his back pocket said he was up for it".
Secretary Janet Sweephole gave the honest assessment after a disastrous day at the Joe Longthorne Leisure Centre. Janet told the bandstand, "It was a fucking shambles. We spent £120 booking the Guinevere Suite and another £100 on adjudicator Byron Sharples MBE. Then only one lad turned up, and he was shit. There were only two people listening and one of those was the adjudicator, who had to be there. I think the other one was that shit lad's mum".
Asked if next year's event would be doubtful, Janet said, "Not at all. Byron is booked again and that shit lad who waltzed off with all the trophies and £200 in his back pocket said he was up for it".
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Radio: Fenton Dooby
Stride Trusty & True (Pexloe Silver Band)
Samantha Mumba Variations (Band of the Greenfield Cavaliers)
I Lay My Vagina At Your Pleasure (Layline Brass - soloist Myra Laidlaw)
Take Up The Torque (Sedgefield Simpletons Band)
Shout Your Mother (Narborough University Band)
Touch My Fanny In The Moonlight (Golden Grahams Band - soloist Latifa Chatengbywe)
Lordy Lordy (Garstang Garibaldi Band)
Topslow Bumchum Gains Place
Topslow Bumchum, the eccentric tenor horn prodigy, has gained a place on this year's Annual Dorset Jamboree Band Course. The 13 year old sensation was hand picked by course director Major Colonel Claude Spamfritters.
Bumchum's mum, Sheila, said,"To send our son off to band camp with someone of the quality of Spamfritters is ideal. It should help so much in his development. He will get better or he will be abused when he gets back home".
Spamfritters said, "I have pulled this course together myself, almost single-handedly. However, it is all about the children who will benefit from my expertise. Thankfully, since that do with the 13 year old girl in her swimming costume that was thrown out of court, parents should have no worry sending their kids into my clutches".
A small number of places are still available, priced £299 for the weekend. Contact Marjorie Groomer at no-he-will-really-touch-your-children@paedo.net
Bumchum's mum, Sheila, said,"To send our son off to band camp with someone of the quality of Spamfritters is ideal. It should help so much in his development. He will get better or he will be abused when he gets back home".
Spamfritters said, "I have pulled this course together myself, almost single-handedly. However, it is all about the children who will benefit from my expertise. Thankfully, since that do with the 13 year old girl in her swimming costume that was thrown out of court, parents should have no worry sending their kids into my clutches".
A small number of places are still available, priced £299 for the weekend. Contact Marjorie Groomer at no-he-will-really-touch-your-children@paedo.net
Snedsmeare Open Doors
The Snedsmeare (Washing Machines Live Longer With Calgon) Band are opening their doors ahead of next month's Smethwick Open.
Musical Director Brian Bonchance said, "We have heard that several bands have rewritten the parts, to make them easier, like. We will be playing the parts. You know, the parts you are sent, just like in the old days, the proper parts. We'll play them, the proper parts".
If anyone is interested in what the proper parts sound like you can join The Snedsmeare (Washing Machines Live Longer With Calgon) Band at the Snedsmeare Tiger Woods Botanical Gardens this Friday at 7.30pm. Entry is free.
Musical Director Brian Bonchance said, "We have heard that several bands have rewritten the parts, to make them easier, like. We will be playing the parts. You know, the parts you are sent, just like in the old days, the proper parts. We'll play them, the proper parts".
If anyone is interested in what the proper parts sound like you can join The Snedsmeare (Washing Machines Live Longer With Calgon) Band at the Snedsmeare Tiger Woods Botanical Gardens this Friday at 7.30pm. Entry is free.
Friday, 3 August 2012
Corfew Principal Guest Percussionist at Watslow
The Watslow Silver Band have announced the appointment of Gordon Corfew as Principal Guest Percussionist.
Band secretary Alison Tucksmeade said, "It appears this arrangement means that Gordon can do what he always has done. Just turn up and bail us out at big contests and charge a fee of around £250".
Band chairman Lucianne Luxmeade said, "What Alison should have said, but being a typical woman, didn't, should of been that Gordon has bailed us out at contests at £250 a pop and all of what is on the committee accept that. However, giving him this new title should mean he feels more a part of the band and will hopefully reduce his fee".
Corfew said, "Fuck it, this is brass banding and I'm a percussionist, it'll be £250 a pop whatever they want to call me".
Band secretary Alison Tucksmeade said, "It appears this arrangement means that Gordon can do what he always has done. Just turn up and bail us out at big contests and charge a fee of around £250".
Band chairman Lucianne Luxmeade said, "What Alison should have said, but being a typical woman, didn't, should of been that Gordon has bailed us out at contests at £250 a pop and all of what is on the committee accept that. However, giving him this new title should mean he feels more a part of the band and will hopefully reduce his fee".
Corfew said, "Fuck it, this is brass banding and I'm a percussionist, it'll be £250 a pop whatever they want to call me".
Friday, 27 July 2012
Windermere Do Their Best
The Windermere Colliery Band have done their best at the opening of the Elsecar Athletics Tournament. Having announced announcement after announcement to build us all up to it they were finally there.
Sadly, they were not picked up on camera at all. Viewers saw Egyptian drummers, stilt walkers from Azerbaijan and Japanese Jews building a wendy house under the guise of an influx of all manner of people into Elsecar, presumably in the 1950's when all that stuff went on.
Band spokesperson Clayton Blackmore (who used to play for Manchester United) said, "We tickled, we teased, we announced something, we withdrew the announcement and announced another announcement. It all boiled down to being on the telly and it seems we weren't".
Now, like the moon landings, people don't believe they were actually there.
Joan Hoopla of the Mangina Moor Band said, "We've seen pictures of members of the Windermere Colliery Band posted on popular networking sites such as Twingo, Funbook and @whatever. But how do we know they were really there?"
In a moon landings-type conspiracy Jonny Hydro of the West Carlton Powderkeg Band said, "You look at that photo on Twingo of them lining up in the tunnel. You can see a flag flying stoutly behind them. If you check the weather forecast for central London it was for light breezes. That flag could not have flown like that behind them if they were there, which obviously they weren't".
Stanley Ottoway of the Cobden Cow Creamer Band said, "That shot of them in the tunnel counting their money, the shadows are going the wrong way. They weren't there".
It should be a cracking conspiracy.
Sadly, they were not picked up on camera at all. Viewers saw Egyptian drummers, stilt walkers from Azerbaijan and Japanese Jews building a wendy house under the guise of an influx of all manner of people into Elsecar, presumably in the 1950's when all that stuff went on.
Band spokesperson Clayton Blackmore (who used to play for Manchester United) said, "We tickled, we teased, we announced something, we withdrew the announcement and announced another announcement. It all boiled down to being on the telly and it seems we weren't".
Now, like the moon landings, people don't believe they were actually there.
Joan Hoopla of the Mangina Moor Band said, "We've seen pictures of members of the Windermere Colliery Band posted on popular networking sites such as Twingo, Funbook and @whatever. But how do we know they were really there?"
In a moon landings-type conspiracy Jonny Hydro of the West Carlton Powderkeg Band said, "You look at that photo on Twingo of them lining up in the tunnel. You can see a flag flying stoutly behind them. If you check the weather forecast for central London it was for light breezes. That flag could not have flown like that behind them if they were there, which obviously they weren't".
Stanley Ottoway of the Cobden Cow Creamer Band said, "That shot of them in the tunnel counting their money, the shadows are going the wrong way. They weren't there".
It should be a cracking conspiracy.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Radio: Fenton Dooby
Heavy-treading, mouth-breathing, obese paedophile Fenton Dooby has immediately responded to Monty Fanshawe's post about his radio show with a post about his own radio show in what is literally becoming a radio war encouraged by us to try and gain readers.
Dooby said, "I'm off work with stress. I sit in the house all day eating Pop Tarts and Ben & Jerry's. But my radio show is better than Fanshawe's".
Thankfully the shows are on at different times on different days so you can make your own mind up. Dooby's show at 4.00pm this coming Sunday on pirate channel New Mill FM includes:-
March: The Dead Prostitute (Minsley Mentors Band)
Overture: La Petite Vagabond (The Black Jackdaw Band)
Pointless (Leston Pygmie Band - soloist Ralph Lacourte)
Death In The Family (Old Rampton Band)
Soapy Suds (Garstang Garages Band - soloist Claire Tibbles)
Starpoint (Leominster Lactations Band)
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe is back in action this Friday on Radio Diggle at 9.00pm. Fanshawe said, "It was a bit of a fuck up last week announcing details after the event, which meant we had no listeners and that bloke what runs the station, him who has that farm in Lydgate, read me the riot act. So now I'm giving plenty of notice."
This Friday's show will include:-
Set Fire To The Bitch (Carnegie Asphalt Band)
Morbid Overture (Truroe Tramways Band)
Double Penetration (Anderson Fireplaces Band - soloist Kylie Hopgood)
The Comeful Concubine (The Aubrey Winters Brass Ensemble)
Violate Me (Twyford Twix Band - soloist Emma Dangler)
Hairy Pie (Stanfleet Citadel Band)
Kontiki Fondles Girl's Breasts
Well-respected conductor Norbert Kontiki has been accused of fondling a girl's breasts at the recent Quagmire Too Far Away Contest at Sherbet-on-Sea.
17-year-old wannabee model Skye Logan said, "I spent £2,000 having my tits done, then I got hair extensions and stuff. Next thing I know I'm in Sherbet-on-Sea doing a promotional shoot for Hambleton Holiday Homes and this seedy bloke comes up and accidentally brushes against my tits whilst he's pushing past me in the bar. I felt so violated like when I posed for that lads mag with my labia almost bursting my g-string".
Kontiki, conductor of the Fentenbury Saxhorn Band and of 14 Tulisa Terrace, Leominster, who's mobile number is 08778 543971, was unavailable for comment.
17-year-old wannabee model Skye Logan said, "I spent £2,000 having my tits done, then I got hair extensions and stuff. Next thing I know I'm in Sherbet-on-Sea doing a promotional shoot for Hambleton Holiday Homes and this seedy bloke comes up and accidentally brushes against my tits whilst he's pushing past me in the bar. I felt so violated like when I posed for that lads mag with my labia almost bursting my g-string".
Kontiki, conductor of the Fentenbury Saxhorn Band and of 14 Tulisa Terrace, Leominster, who's mobile number is 08778 543971, was unavailable for comment.
Banding's Future Is In Your Hands
Tequila Crabtree, president of the Perthshire & Devonshire Brass Band Association has called an extraordinary Annual General Meeting.
Crabtree told the Bandstand, "Brass banding is fucked, it's right in the shit. What we need is a proper debate about open adjudication, selection of judges, the price of catering at contests and other things that nobody is bothered with".
"To help with the fact that nobody is bothered with it we have arranged a meeting for last Tuesday on the Isle of Skye at 6am. We hope to have not seen most of you there".
Crabtree told the Bandstand, "Brass banding is fucked, it's right in the shit. What we need is a proper debate about open adjudication, selection of judges, the price of catering at contests and other things that nobody is bothered with".
"To help with the fact that nobody is bothered with it we have arranged a meeting for last Tuesday on the Isle of Skye at 6am. We hope to have not seen most of you there".
Lipton at Wycombe Festival
Jacob Lipton, the 3 year old cornet prodigy, is to be guest star performer at this next weekend's (the one coming up not the one just gone) Wycombe Festival.
Festival organiser Fanny Fairweather said, "Jacob is a legend, we simply had to get him. Then his parents asked for £500 in used notes and the demands started. He wants his own tent backstage, eight bottles of blackcurrant Fruit Shoot and a bag of sugary poekemons. The one thing he doesn't want is that old cornet teacher of his what used to touch his genitals innapropriately during lessons. He was quite clear about that".
Thankfully everything is now in place and the self-obsessed, obnoxious little shit with the money-grabbing parents is set to wow the crowd with renditions of "Take Me Gently", "Up Against the Parlour Window" and "Jam Spoon".
Chittagong for Han Solo Tauntaun
The Han Solo Tauntaun Band has announced the appointment of Claude Chittagong as musical director with almost immediate effect (it isn't immediate, so to speak, he will start next Tuesday).
Chittagong said, "I am so excited I can barely sleep. Han Solo Tauntaun are a diverse yet intrepid group of players and I hope that our relationship will be long and fruitful, especially for my bank account".
Band president Mary Newbody said, "Claude is a perfect fit for the band's dynamic. Just like the last bloke was six months ago before we sacked him recently. The future looks very bright indeed".
Chittagong said, "I am so excited I can barely sleep. Han Solo Tauntaun are a diverse yet intrepid group of players and I hope that our relationship will be long and fruitful, especially for my bank account".
Band president Mary Newbody said, "Claude is a perfect fit for the band's dynamic. Just like the last bloke was six months ago before we sacked him recently. The future looks very bright indeed".
Windermere Announcement Announced
The Windermere Colliery Band have finally announced the announcement that was due to follow several other, low-key announcements.
Excited player Terry Jamelia, pissed up in a bar, rang us and said, "This is the big one. This is what it's all been building up to. Truth is, we're miming at the Olympics. And we've signed a bird. All this stuff should rock brass banding to the core and put us back on the worldwide map. Is it right I get £200 in cash for telling you this?"
Yet the signs are that brass banding has not been rocked to the core. Tom and Mavis Brabinger of the Red Egg public house in Plebley said, "What a let down. We thought with all the build up it would be an announcement to end all announcements. To be honest, none of the regulars are interested in the Olympics. And, although most of them are sexist, the fact that Windermere have signed a splitarse is entirely inconsequential to them".
Windermere then issued a press release which stated, "We are sorry, Terry Jamelia should not have let the cat out of the bag. There will now be a further announcement trying to diffuse this latest announcement".
Excited player Terry Jamelia, pissed up in a bar, rang us and said, "This is the big one. This is what it's all been building up to. Truth is, we're miming at the Olympics. And we've signed a bird. All this stuff should rock brass banding to the core and put us back on the worldwide map. Is it right I get £200 in cash for telling you this?"
Yet the signs are that brass banding has not been rocked to the core. Tom and Mavis Brabinger of the Red Egg public house in Plebley said, "What a let down. We thought with all the build up it would be an announcement to end all announcements. To be honest, none of the regulars are interested in the Olympics. And, although most of them are sexist, the fact that Windermere have signed a splitarse is entirely inconsequential to them".
Windermere then issued a press release which stated, "We are sorry, Terry Jamelia should not have let the cat out of the bag. There will now be a further announcement trying to diffuse this latest announcement".
Friday, 20 July 2012
Beige Lead Mine Mayhem
Gary Beige, the yawnably lamentable king of boredom euphonium laiker with a fit little student girlfriend, has told The Bandstand of his visit to a Scottish lead mining museum.
Beige said, "I've had such a hectic schedule lately, what with being one of the finest euphonium players ever to walk the earth, together with a 5-hour round trip to band rehearsals with my new(ish) band in Wales, I needed a chill out".
"I found it at the Scottish Museum of Lead Mining in Wanlockhead, Scotland. At 1,531 feet above sea level it is the highest village in Scotland, almost as high as I am after I walk off stage after yet another phenominal performance on euphonium".
"The tour of the mine was awesome, it was so dark and wet I was a bit scared. I couldn't believe that people actually used to work down mines. It's awful. Then I remembered that some of my best friends play with colliery bands and must suffer this every day".
"I now think that my mates who play with colliery bands have the hardest job in the world. I mean, how do you practice, down there in the pit? It just wouldn't be the accoustic that I'm used to whilst I'm performing in the finest concert halls in the land".
"It's safe to say I love colliery bands now, I think someone should make a film about it, possibly involving me".
Beige said, "I've had such a hectic schedule lately, what with being one of the finest euphonium players ever to walk the earth, together with a 5-hour round trip to band rehearsals with my new(ish) band in Wales, I needed a chill out".
"I found it at the Scottish Museum of Lead Mining in Wanlockhead, Scotland. At 1,531 feet above sea level it is the highest village in Scotland, almost as high as I am after I walk off stage after yet another phenominal performance on euphonium".
"The tour of the mine was awesome, it was so dark and wet I was a bit scared. I couldn't believe that people actually used to work down mines. It's awful. Then I remembered that some of my best friends play with colliery bands and must suffer this every day".
"I now think that my mates who play with colliery bands have the hardest job in the world. I mean, how do you practice, down there in the pit? It just wouldn't be the accoustic that I'm used to whilst I'm performing in the finest concert halls in the land".
"It's safe to say I love colliery bands now, I think someone should make a film about it, possibly involving me".
Professional Card: Samson Delilah
Samson Delilah was born in Clifton & Lightcliffe in a few years ago. He first studied music with that bloke off of the QVC Shopping Chanel TV show and, later, under the wonderful Cleeton Hodges.
Initially frustrated by a lack of opportunities to make money in his native UK, Samson moved to Gambia in 1998. He enjoyed successful spells with the Otakipwe Silver Band, the Chetagingwe Brass Ensemble and the Mputu Putu Village Band, with whom he enjoyed his greatest sucess.
In 2007 the Mputu Putu Village Band were granted a cash prize of £1,000 off of Red Nose Day to build a well to secure clean drinking water for whole area. People were prepared to walk for miles to obtain the clean water.
Samson said, "I knew that something had to be done. I told them that they could spend £1,000 on the well and then watch the Mputu Putu Village Band go down the pan. Or they could pay the money to me over the course of a week or two and we could really move the band on and maybe have a crack at the African National Championship at the Guild Hall, Ivory Coast, to which we couldn't even afford to go anyway".
"I'm so proud now to be able to say that they chose never to build that well. Many people died but they were only black people and we did almost make it to the African Nationals, which would of been a big tick on my CV".
Now back in the UK, Samson is keen to find more money. He is very excited about his return to the UK banding circuit and particularly keen to find a third section band who will simply pay him £40 a practice, listen open-mouthed to his made up stories of what he has done and not challenge him musically.
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has announced details of tonight's Hark At The Racket Radio show that was on at 9.30pm on Diggle FM, after it has finished!
Fanshawe said, "Last month the wife's cat, Petula Maisie Grey Weatherall III, died. She took me to a pet psychic who tried to get in touch with her (the cat) from beyond the grave. Needless to say it was a load of generalistic waffle that could have applied to anyone but the wife bought into it big time".
"As a result I thought I'd try to send details of tonight's show from beyond it's grave (or, in other words, after it had happened) to see what would happen! It's like David Blaine when he made that Statue of Liberty off of ice and stuff. Spooky, weird, a bit frightening".
So, what would of happened tonight or, what might happen to you if you can see into the past beyond the grave off of a time travelling radio, at 9.30pm just gone, is:-
Contortions (Norwich Paper Plate Band)
Pick That Cotton, Negro (My Name Is Neo Mr. Anderson Brass - soloist Nancy Roamin)
Lincolnshire Laments (The Thompson Twins Alison Moyet Band)
Mama, I've Pissed Me Kecks (Gabriel Batistuta Band)
Lay Me Down And Don't Be Too Rough (Frodsham Aviation Band - solist Gary Beige)
Big Finish (Windermere Colliery Band)
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Beige To Be Key Note Speaker In Poynton
Terminally dull and yet effervescently self-gratifying euphonium laiker Gary Beige will be a key note speaker at next month's Euphonium Players Annual Get Together, to be held this year at the Knutsford Services Conference Centre, Poynton.
Beige said, "This conference gets to the heart of the future of euphonium playing at all levels and to all standards. To be honest, I read the flyer and couldn't be arsed. However, the organisers, needing to get bums on seats to cover the cost of room hire, have offered me my train fair, accommodation, meals and £500 in used notes in my back pocket".
"Having previously not been arsed, I now realise that this is the foremost symposium for lower brass in the western world and to be invited to be a key note speaker is extremely humbling. It's almost as if I'm not really worthy, but then I remind myself that I am".
Beige said, "I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be frank about my upbringing. Born into a lowly middle class family, I remember we had three cars but only a double garage, so we had to leave one car out on the drive all night. It really was that tough. Then, aged seven, I was given my first, brand-new top of the range euphonium and as many private lessons as I could get in. They were tough times but I got through them, maybe just through my own self-determination".
"After that I might just pick up my humble little top of the range brand new sponsored instrument and knock out Grandfather's Clock. There shouldn't be a dry eye in the house!"
Tickets, originally £5.00, are now £17.50 and organisers are appealing to middle class parents of young lower brass players to suddenly get involved. One said, "If you have money to burn and you fail to send your child to this event, they will hate you forever, because, I tell you what, I bet all their friends are going!"
Beige said, "This conference gets to the heart of the future of euphonium playing at all levels and to all standards. To be honest, I read the flyer and couldn't be arsed. However, the organisers, needing to get bums on seats to cover the cost of room hire, have offered me my train fair, accommodation, meals and £500 in used notes in my back pocket".
"Having previously not been arsed, I now realise that this is the foremost symposium for lower brass in the western world and to be invited to be a key note speaker is extremely humbling. It's almost as if I'm not really worthy, but then I remind myself that I am".
Beige said, "I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be frank about my upbringing. Born into a lowly middle class family, I remember we had three cars but only a double garage, so we had to leave one car out on the drive all night. It really was that tough. Then, aged seven, I was given my first, brand-new top of the range euphonium and as many private lessons as I could get in. They were tough times but I got through them, maybe just through my own self-determination".
"After that I might just pick up my humble little top of the range brand new sponsored instrument and knock out Grandfather's Clock. There shouldn't be a dry eye in the house!"
Tickets, originally £5.00, are now £17.50 and organisers are appealing to middle class parents of young lower brass players to suddenly get involved. One said, "If you have money to burn and you fail to send your child to this event, they will hate you forever, because, I tell you what, I bet all their friends are going!"
July Quiz: Who Is This?...
In this month's quiz we are asking you to name this well known banding celebrity. It would be easy just to show the celebrity wearing a disguise or slightly unusual clothes, so to make it a bit harder (you see what we did there) here is a picture of him (and it is a him, obviously) with his lady-charmers out at the recent Snibston (Lord Lucan) Contest.
As a clue, he was celebrating a win that day for his band and decided to get his spam javelin and coconuts out in the bar, at which point our Malcolm dropped on his knees to take this photograph.
As a further clue, this sight should be well known to that 14 year old cornet player from Tantalus (Its Got Our Name On It.........Wickes) Band who nearly got him banged up.
Answers to the usual address (that doesn't exist) by Friday 37th of August. The winner will receive £7.42 in used coins, a signed CD of On The Promenade by the Dewberry-on-Sea Band and a copy of the statement that 14 year old girl was due to make in court before she was bullied out of appearing and so getting him cleared of any wrongdoing.
It should be a cracking quiz.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Die Kuntz in Upperthong
The fabulous Die Kuntz brass group are coming to Upperthong Civic Hall. The event is the brainchild of local promoter Jackson Smallbridge who said, "To get a group like Die Kuntz (in English, The Cunts) over here for a gig is incredible. I shall hope to make a lot of money out of it".
Die Kuntz have wowed crowds across Europe with their flamboyant and enigmatic style. They were the much-anticipated warm up act at the 2009 Norwegian Eisteddfod just before Sue Pollard off of Hi-De-Hi read out the results.
Smallbridge said, "This is literally, absolutely, a once-in-a-lifetime show. So I don't think I'm being too much of a fucker charging £25 a pop. Even if it is Upperthong Civic Hall there will be a buffet and the bogs will have flushing water".
Hans Gutterall, lead trumpet with Die Kuntz, said, "For us in Upperthong good it will be in the moment".
When we asked him about the programme he said, "I am hoping their are no Jews there. The programme is not really Jew friendly. We don't like the Jews".
Smallbridge said, "It should be a cracking night".
Ching Chong In New Venture
Ching Chong Chinaman has accepted the post of Musical Director with the National Youth Brass Band of Racial Stereotypes with immediate effect.
He will take over the role vacated by Fat Fat Fatabastardu from Samoa who has had return home to his native island because there were too many coconuts washed up on the beach.
Organiser Margaret Bigot said, "To lose Fat Fat Fatabastardu was a real blow. We were beginning to think Lottery funding could not continue. Now in walks Ching Chong Chinaman and we're filling in forms left right and centre".
"If anyone in the band falls short of standard they can be sure of the "chop" suey! But I'm sure as "spring rolls" in he'll have ideas for a new programme!"
Ching Chong said, "I am rearry preased, etc."
Windermere Speculation Continues
Rumours continue to persist about the forthcoming announcement of a forthcoming announcement from the Windermere Colliery Band. We asked our own seeing into the future correspondent, Mystic Malcolm, to have a pop.
Malcolm said, "Is there anybody there? Is there anybody there? Alright, thanks a fucking bunch I'll do it on my own then".
Malcolm suggests one of several theories:-
Malcolm said, "Is there anybody there? Is there anybody there? Alright, thanks a fucking bunch I'll do it on my own then".
Malcolm suggests one of several theories:-
- The band, notoriously grown up sexists, will form a new male-only, 18 and over youth band.
- They have a wild chinchilla loose in the bandroom.
- They have signed a lesbian on horn and are playing at the Olympics for fuck all.
Radio: Fenton Dooby
It seems Monty Fanshawe of Diggle FM isn't the only man left hosting a radio show devoted to brass bands. Enter Fenton Dooby, a morbidly obese Yorkshireman who has gained a Sunday afternoon slot on Radio Wetwang (98.2-99.1 BM).
Dooby said, "The show is aimed at your typical brass band fan and couldn't be better placed than on a Sunday afternoon. Usually at that time he'll be on the drive washing the Honda Civic whilst she's in the house putting old newspapers down on the kitchen lino so he doesn't muddy it when he comes in, as they both eagerly anticipate a repeat of Last of the Summer Wine before cocoa and bed. This will fill that gap for them, unless Antique Roadshow's on, in which case I might be fucked. Or is that after Summer Wine?"
Anyway, the dangerously overweight mouth-breather offers for his first show (6.30pm Sunday on Radio Wetwang):-
The Confident Condiment (Fricasee Fryers Band)
Overture: Sexual Healing (Turnbury Clockwise Band)
Did You Touch My Daughter? (Knocksmede Silver - soloist Robert Chant)
Pull Yer Drawers Up, Mavis (The Band of the Linthwaite Cavalry)
Yes That's My Clitoris (Barnard Town Beaver Band - soloist Nelly McBride)
That'll Do It (Corby Trouser Press Band)
Advert: Jujitsu Music
John Jujitsu of Jujitsu Music has announced that new and innovative music is available for brass band on his new website.
John said, "I recently qualified from Portisdown Technical College with a 2.2 in Music. Obviously, at the end of the day, I want to be a music teacher, but my parents bought me Sibelius so in the meantime I'm writing stuff for bands. Not the usual stuff, this is edgy, pushy, it'll surprise a few".
Pieces available so far include:-
Ryder Cup Lament
The Introduction of the New Archdeacon
A Jewish Serenade
Point at the Door
Jujitsu said, "I realise financially it's a bad time for bands. Money-grabbing conductors are pushing their finances to the limit. However, I quite fancy a gap year in the far east involving under-age ladyboys so everything will be £25 a pop".
It should be a cracking gap year.
John said, "I recently qualified from Portisdown Technical College with a 2.2 in Music. Obviously, at the end of the day, I want to be a music teacher, but my parents bought me Sibelius so in the meantime I'm writing stuff for bands. Not the usual stuff, this is edgy, pushy, it'll surprise a few".
Pieces available so far include:-
Ryder Cup Lament
The Introduction of the New Archdeacon
A Jewish Serenade
Point at the Door
Jujitsu said, "I realise financially it's a bad time for bands. Money-grabbing conductors are pushing their finances to the limit. However, I quite fancy a gap year in the far east involving under-age ladyboys so everything will be £25 a pop".
It should be a cracking gap year.
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