The Ainley Top Bandstand has appointed notorious contest drunk Charlie Gutbucket to dig out the bar room gossip. After his visit to today's Thomas Hardy (Mayor of Caisterbridge) Contest, here's his update on the backstage gossip.
"I love brass bands, me. I love red wine too. I probably love red wine more than brass bands. I might drink a couple of bottles for breakfast, and that's true, that is, scouts honour".
"Anyway, you know that Natalie Lestrange, her what laiks with Scaleby Concert Band? Takes it up the shitter, she does. No, straight up. Mate o' mine shagged her at the Hovis Wheatgerm Invitational. Said she let him do 'er up the wrong 'un. Dirty bitch".
"Adjudicators, yeah? There day's up mate. The Japs have invented a robot what can separate brass band performances to within a 2% degree of accuracy. 2% eh? Fuck me. Anyway, they're testing it in Tokyo, reckon it'll be available over here within six months. You wouldn't believe it, would you?"
"Mind, I tell you what, there was a bird from Plumpton (Pickersgill Prosthetics) Band in here earlier. Rubbing my cock she was. Her hands were all over the place. She fucked off when I shit me pants. Shame really, I might have slipped 'er one. No, God's honour, she was".
"Oy, are you in mate? Shout us up a bottle of house red will yer? Only I'm a bit skint, see".
More from Charlie next time.
