The Pontucket (Ronseal - It Does What It Says On The Tin) Band have strengthened the ranks ahead of their assault on their local village fete.
Chairman Lucifer Bagnold said, "Joining us on cornet is Mary Grainger. Many will recall that Mary played for ten years with the Smirlsmere Band, until her husband caught her sucking off the conductor behind wheelie bins at the recent Caernafon Custard Creams Contest".
"Also joining us on bass is Peter Blanket, formerly of the Chatsworth Co-Op Band. Peter has overcome his battle with alcoholism and violent mood swings and joins us in much better shape, or at least so far so good".
"The village fete is the toughest day of the year, as we have to lead the procession from outside the Twisted Throat pub to the roundabout on Acre Lane, before performing a one-hour concert. Having players of the calibre of Mary and Peter can only add to our assault on this event".